humans today, have rights to voice out their opinions,
it only depends on whether they are aware of such rights or otherwise.
i, do know about these rights,
and thus, i, will voice out my opinion on what i believe in.

i, do not believe in the existence of god.
there are reasons to why i have chosen to be a partial atheist.
it is risky in today's world to be an atheist,
but i choose not to lie, i am posting it here, telling the world that i am an atheist.
i have given much thoughts about my decisions on why i chose not to believe in the existence of god.
the main reason is simply because i did not want to depend on a particular 'thing'.
i'm not underestimating the power 'he' has, but yes.
the fact that i just mentioned the previous sentence might actually cross out the whole thought of atheism,
but mind you, i said, i CHOSE.
when i was much younger, mummy would bring me to temples whenever she could.
that includes travelling all the way to KL, up that drastically slopy hill to reach a temple called 'tien hou gong'.
not only that, we have this praying thingy at home, where we can choose to sit there infront of the 'miniature god figurines' and pray to them.
normally it happens on special occassions only; chinese new year, wesak day, etc, etc.
we too would go to the temples during wesak days to get blessings and such.
in fact, until today, we would still go to temples on special occassions to have prayers.
like i mentioned earlier, it was me who chose to be an atheist.
i could not see why it was necessary to depend on 'god' for a better life.
your life is based on your own decisions and how you handle them,
if god were to be always there for you, then why is it that each and every human being have difficulties in life?
shouldn't it be that humans would have a much blessed life with much less matters to be stressed over?
true, i may be asking such questions where it provokes people to think, "well, you can't expect god to always be there for you. if that is true, how will you ever learn?"
and because this question will occur, i decided to be safer, to depend on myself instead of god.
"so... you do believe in the existence of God! so you are NOT an atheist!!"
not until you can proof to me that god really does exist.
besides, if i do depend on god for everything, i would definitely blame Him more than i would've blamed myself.
* i'm only saying. please don't take it as though i am thrashing anybody or anything, i mean no harm, just merely describing my thoughts. =X *

another issue is that i am also a partial Free-Thinker.
now you're wondering how is it possible for me to be both at the same time.
well, it's simply because what others preach, lifts the curiosity side of me to the surface.
others really meant, other religions.
i'm being really racists by firstly mentioning how biased our lovely country could get when it comes down to this.
just as i was driving with a bad mood on a rainy morning,
saw a car sticker that said "sokong islam, anda selamat."
that sentence really irked me inside out, but i had no choice, i could not just tell them off, right into their faces.
wait. even when such dramas happening almost everyday, i am still curious about all the religions that exists in the world today.
i am curious and it caused me wanting to learn more about other religions out there.
wanting to learn more on what they beleive in,
wanting to understand why they believe so,
wanting to see how much 'god exists' is true.

LOL.
quite worried that this post might end up controversial.

let's backtrack a little, shall we?
as we all know, back in secondary school, we learnt about the early civilizations and how they blossomed to be an empire on it's own,
we saw that the pioneers, believed in almost everything that benefitted them.
maybe not with the benefitting part,
but they were so amazed by what was happening around them that they chose to worship them all.
we have them worshipping the trees, the sky, the land, even the lifestocks.
sounds pretty much bizarre in comparison with today,
but it also seemed that life was pretty much simple back then
you see a tree that bore fruits, that were edible, that could satisfy you tummy's grumbles, you praise them.
you see the sky, raining, providing you with water, that you crops would grow happily, and then you have water for your own use, you praise it.
you see a cow, giving you milk, or maybe a form of poultry when you are absolutely hungry and that you have mastered the barbeque-ing technique, you praise it.
it was easy to feel like you were blessed back then.
owh, and this what what we called animism.

and somehow today, from that single believe,
it has evolved into... millions of religions all over the world.
which tends to be quite confusing and complicated.
we even have a religion formed by david beckham it seems.
i may be wrong with that one. AHAHAHAHAHHAHA. i only heard of it, got me interested, so it stayed there in my head until today. =P
but yes, i was trying to say that there are so many believes out there today.
it got me extremely confused.
one reason i guess is because of their beliefs towards god.
one religions worships several gods, one religion worships no god, one religion worships one god, two religions seem to be praying to the same god.
yeah
see where the confusion comes from?
exactly!

and then there was this factor when i was in primary school.
i had no clue there were so many religions out there.
i only thought everybody was the same, praying to the same on god.
but i didn't understand the part where they had to split all of us up when it comes to this specific class, 'agama/moral'.
i remember me standing outside the class, lining up, getting ready to go to our 'moral' class, while the 'agama' class was taking place in my own class.
they keep doing that same prayer everytime they begin their class, which then got me even memorising what they said.
if i'm not mistaken, it's alfatihah? some eating prayers? i'm not too sure.
but i remember the content pretty well.
BECAUSE! it had a very intriguing tune to it that it managed to catch my attention, and that i even remember it until today.
you see! racism.
and because we had to split like that, i was then exposed to the fact that there are other religions out there.
if we don't put a religion in our religion column in forms given to us to be filled,
it would be questioned.
as a matter of fact, we don't even know what was it for, and we only followed what was being told by parents or teachers.
well, obviuosly i wrote 'buddhist'.

owh! not to forget, when i was in primary school and secodary school,
i have no idea why, but it seems like a forbidden thing to change religions.
i got invited to several christian events,
and i have never once converted myself into a christian,
but i know every single time i go, i'll leave the place with a mild giddy-ness in my head.
if i do tell my aunt that i am going for church events, the first thing she would say, "why? you want to convert to a christian ah?"
there, it sounded like i was forbidden to change my own religion, right?
thus, the mentality somehow lived in me up till today.
then when we had to learn about the origins of islam in our high school,
it evoked the racist part of me.
if you can talk so much about islam, why not talk about the buddhist and christianity and such?
owh, they did.
but it was only like one page for the religions that are NOT islam.

tracing back to the buddhist part,
i am not to be considered a buddhist.
because this family i live with prays to 'guan yin'; one of the many god in the chinese line.
if i am a buddhist, a pure one, i am actually forbidden to eat beef.
i, on the other hand, was never exposed to such rule, i just ate beef from the day i was born... literally.
i remember once that i was eating cheeseburger infront of that praying table with the 'guan yin ' facing me,
i can't really remember what exactly happened, but it got me a tad bit disturbed after i knew that i wasn't supposed to eat meat, because i pray to that specific god.
and i was so confused when i go temples, i see everybody praying too all the gods available in that temple.
and well of course, i dumbly followed.
even then, i didn't know what i was praying for.
until today.
it felt wrong for me to ask for things, especially from god.
so i never really asked for anything.
in the event that i do pray, i only pray for two things;
1. protecting all my family members, close and dear or whoever that is related to me in anyways.
2. asking to attain good results.

until today, i still don't know what i am doing.
as i grew older, i learnt that it was okay to be religionless.
provided that you know how to rationalise things and not be like those dumb bastards who claim that they are of a certain religion, but does not behave according to that specific religion.
my sister is a free-thinker.
my bro is a buddhist.
my aunt... i'm not sure.
my uncle is a pure buddhist.
my mom is also a buddhist.
i, am a cross between atheist and freethinker.

boo you. =P

it was a late drive home.
as i was reaching the end of a road with a sharp bend,
wanting to keep to my lane,
i saw a dog sitting there in the middle of the road,
swerved to the middle lane.
was afraid that it would get hit by other vehicles with wreckless driving skills,
elapsed into the thought that it was actually injured, otherwise why would it just sit there in the middle of the road, risking being hit by vehicles.
"do you want to turn back and help it?"
i thought that i could do no help,
gave a thought if i could actually do anything to help it,
all attempts seemed to lead to a failure.
went off, knowing that i could not help it in anyway,
knowing that it gave me that uneasy feeling that would keep me awake for the night,
knowing that it could possibly be injured, and waiting for it's death.
it hurts.
i feel helpless.

people say being in the middle has the most benefits,
you don't have to worry about ruining the relationship between the two parties who were having problems with one another.
given that, this particular middle person is able to keep up with his or her poker face and remain the neutral one throughout the whole ordeal.
this middle person may try to help the two get back together,
but on normal terms, it would fail,
but the success rate is still measurable.
sometimes, when people know they are in the middle of a mess,
they learned not to care, and just leaving the two to settle their own problem.

whatever it is, it is never a nice thing being stuck in the middle.
most of us, had no choice, and we are somehow thrown to this 'sacred' place where no evil pranced about, making us go away from it all.
wait. that's because there are forces from elsewhere, pushing us towards this 'sacred' place and getting caught.
some people may have been lucky to evade from the 'sacred' space, escaping without the slightest effect of it all.
mind you, the force i was talking about was referring to the forces, the heavy emotional feeling of the two parties swarming you, flooding you, with such energy that you have no choice but to give in.

i am making no sense at all
i apologise for that.

so what do you do when you are caught in the middle?
you can be either one of the two types mentioned above,
both comes with different pros and cons.
and it is actually possible to be either one, because we, humans have our mighty minds, where we can use to help us make decisions, decisions that would bring a different outcome, based on which decision you have picked.

if you have decided that it would be a good idea to help the two parties,
you may as well be dubbed the dumb one
yes, you have good intentions,
you have that thought, "if i don't do anything, i might as well lose the both of them."
being stuck in the middle is one of the toughest situation to be in,
it is way worse than being stranded on a deserted desert,
or being locked up in prison,
even with these situations, you still have the thought where you will actually be rescued from.
but when you are stuck, you practically have no escape.
and the reason why i'm saying that thou shalt be dubbed the dumb one,
is simply because, you are missing the point that you are a human,
you have emotions, you can't stay neutral for too long,
you, will somehow succumb to either one of the side,
either that,
or, you'll just end up insane.
insane where you would start taking in whatever they are trying to tell you, trying to figure out why, and also understanding on how to fix that matter up.
you, will fail.
if you are the type who doesn't give it that much of a thought, you should be grateful.
in a way, you save yourself from insanity
but mind you, you will always be the one the two will find, because you are the only source where they could confront to.
they are somehow very dependent of you.

if you happen to be the one who manage to escape from the two,
you are lucky.
hold it. don't be too happy about it,
sooner or later, it will still come back to you, somehow.
somehow.
is just does.

what i was trying to say is that,
i hate being stuck in the middle
been caught in this situation for like ever.
as time passes, i learnt that it is okay for me to leave everything behind and try my best to evade from the two parties.
as much as i tried to evade, i always fail.
it somehow comes back and gives me a bitchslap, reminding me of it's existence.

i have tried patching things up,
countless amount of times,
i never succeeded.
never did.
and the fact that it could never be solved, and the fact that i will always be stuck in the middle, is depressing enough.
...
especially when it involves people who are dear to me.

here is to the last one month to hell.
hrm.
maybe it isn't that bad.
thinking about the future scares the crap out of me.
considering how much i have to prepare for,
considering that i have no idea what is ahead of me,
those thoughts are scary, MAN!

the past will never leave me.
it will stay where it is.
but there is no way, you expect to be held back by your past,
being stuck at that particular moment forever.
even if one wishes to, that fact will never come true.
truth is, the past will haunt.

i don't want to be haunted.
i am waaaaaaaaay to afraid just by knowing that i am being haunted.
so i neglect this point.
i neglect the part where the past will swallow me up whole someday in the future.
someday where i would be pondering about today, the past, and what i could've done instead.

people say; live life without regrets.

so what if there are people who practise that statement?
it is actually possible for that statement to turn into a reality.
again, it all depends on the individual
with the given choice of having regrets or not to have regrets.

the past is haunting me, the future is scaring the daylights out of me.
what do i do?
make every present moment, count.

i am backing myself up really often now.
i am protecting myself from any potential harm now.
i know i shouldn't
i know i should be listening to what people have to say now and then
i know i should reserve some thoughts for myself

but i could no longer hold that self reserved thoughts any longer.
and example would be
yesterday, i saw this woman hitting this bird.
i'm pretty sure she intended to play with it.
but what i couldn't stand was that these people seemed to be playing with these animals as though they were toys.
that thought made me go aloud, scolding indirectly towards that woman.
going; "stupid woman, whack that bird, for certain the bird is pecking her."

then there was another time where we were in the discussion room in the library
i could not stand that these bunch of people simply left their stuff on the table,
booking the place for themselves while they leave for lunch.
i find that unacceptable, because the discussion room is always packed with people and they need to find place to sit.
why can't they just bring their belongings along with them to lunch, and then return to the libray after they are done?
if there is no place for them, then too bad.
the blardy property does not only belong to you!
unless your grandfather pays to own the land, then it's a different story altogether.
even if that is true, why must you be selfish and leave your things there, HOGGING the place?
so when they came back i was so angry, that i told them off,
"next time when you do go out, please bring your things with you, other people would like to sit too."

then there was once, i came across this car parked on two parking spots.
it was frustrating because everybody would be rushing to college early just to find parking spots, and this pathetic soul decided it was okay to do such a retarded parking at that time.
i was one of the unfortunate ones who thought i would be able to park there when it turned out that i can't.
i had to cross my fingers in hopes that there is another parking spot available for me.
what i did was, i wrote a note and put it on this particular car's windscreen.
stating, "dear genius, it is very inconsiderate for you for parking like that, other people would want to park too. signed, frustrated."

how long more do you want me to keep quiet?
how long more do you expect me to keep it all of it in me?
after 17 years of self absorbed thoughts, i really do need to let myself go.
i agree that i may have been making wrong decisions now and then.
and i need to learn from it all.

people will never fail to scrutinize you,
whether you think that they don't because you think that you have nothing worth scrutinizing,
or you're just too ignorant about what they are scrutinizing about.

i guess it's a normal thing to be done,
we sit there at one corner,
we look at what others are doing, and we have thoughts about it.
when we rummage through our thoughts, we make our own conclusions.
those conclusions are what we call stereotyping.
and when such thoughts are expressed amongst one another, it becomes something more than a typical stereotyping.
it becomes viral, and stereotyping will die hard.

just like habits.

though there isn't anyway that we can stop all this from happening
we, today, have freedom of speech.
we are free to say almost anything and everything we want to, without having fear, for we are protected in certain ways.
but are we misusing this freedom we have?
to a point where we use it to 'destroy' others?

sometimes, we do things unconciously.
we do things, without realising its consequences.
we do things, according to our feelings and our heart.
but little did we know, our brains are the ones that matters most.
most of the times, when we act with our hearts and feelings, we will regret what we did after a while
but even if we do regret, there is practically nothing left for us to do to change the fact that had happen.
the only thing left to be done would be thinking through and hopefully not doing the same thing the next time around.
=/

...

The bigboy-biggirl age.

Here in Malaysia,
Our Chinese descendent has this habit of saying,
"Wahh! Grow so big already ah? big boy/big girl already ah?!"
It's this funny sentence that never fails to spill out of our aunts and uncles on those children (who are at their teen years) whom they have not seem for about one year or more.
Well, obviously we, the teens will have drastic changes as we go through each year within our teenage years, right?
But yeah, it's like something for them to talk about.
Especially at some-super-big-extended-family gatherings.
And the first question they will ask;
"got boyfriend/girlfriend already or not?"
Which can be a little annoying,
Because many a times, these sentences popped out are in that tone where it sounds sarcastic.
And also, because at certain age within our teen years, parents don’t necessarily agree that their child should be having a boyfriend/girlfriend at that particular age.
Normally, parents would only begin to let go once the child leaves high school.
So, if you are aged 18 and below, and you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you tend to lie when these aunts and uncles who ask “so how? Got boyfriend/girlfriend already ah?”
But on the occasion case, aunts are those who would normally ask these questions and the uncles would just be doing their own things.
Hey, it’s a general view. Uncles do ask too!
Then comes the second question; “What form are you studying in now?”
Somehow, these people have very bad memory and couldn’t be bothered about keeping track of our ages, so yeah, we have to answer this, EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
If you don’t experience this, then good for you, like seriously. =X
Owh, wait. The questioning does not stop there!
“How’s your studies?”
On a norm, this question will be asked, as you can see, Chinese family have high hopes on their children for doing ‘EXCEPTIONALLY WELL’ in academics.
So yeah, it is a must to be asked. They expect to hear good things from you, but if you do know how to twist and turn a little on how to answer this question, you’ll be fine.
If you just answer, “okay ah!”, truth be told, that would be sufficient enough. ;D

…

Looking at what is happening; I believe I am at the age where I am considered as an official BIG GIRL.
The age where i…
- drive on my own
- plan my own expenditure
- plan my own future
- going out without asking permission, but of course I still need to inform on my whereabouts.
- study on my own without being nagged at
- owning a laptop
- sleeping in real late or waking up real late, not being nagged at
- have a certain level of freedom
- do my own shopping
- spending money unnecessarily. LOL
- learning how to come home and spend some time at home
- learning to appreciate them more
- hangs out much more with friends than at home
- becoming their driver
- paying for them
- they stopped going all “YOU ARE DEAD” when I get bad results. Instead, making me hell guilty for not saying very little words regarding it.
- have to think about my own safety because I’m on my own already.

Looking at that list,
my goodness, it’s like I was forced to grow up fast, and all this had actually changed … in less than one year.
I don’t manage my own expenditure up until this year,
I mean, I do get allowance and all, but yeah, that was just sufficient, and all my shoppings would be paid for
Now? Whenever I can, I pay for them. *due to some circumstances.*
Petrol? Under my own belt.
Not fully, but literally.
Yeahh...

As I was saying,
This is the age where we all learn to be independent,
Some of us will falter, leaving our parents behind, forgetting to go home as often as we could
But sometimes, when we do realise we’ve been neglecting our parents, we feel guilty.
I would say that this would be the age where our guilt is to the max.
Cause sometimes, we are unsure of what we are exactly doing, and we don’t want to ask for our parent’s guidance as we don’t want to bother them, in a way, we have our own ego as well, because we want to show them that we can do it on our own.
Little do we know, our actions may be worrying them sick.
But they couldn’t stop us, cause they may not know exactly what we are doing, but they know that they can’t do anything about it, because they know it is the time for us to learn.
But then again, they do know what the limit is, and they will step in when we seem to be going to wrong direction.
At least the guilt is pulling is back to our roots, where we stay ‘grounded’.

When it comes to spending money,
We spend more than we would normally do now.
Back in high school, we were given a certain amount of money, which was just enough for us to use.
And when we want to do shopping, they would pay for us.
Well, most of us do. Not all, most.
Now? I even stopped shopping already, because I was not used to the fact that I’ll be using my own money to do shopping.
And when this went on, eventually, that shopping frenzy left me already.
Even shopping with their money now, feels weird. It feels like you’re in debt.
But in my case, I wouldn’t mind spending money on them, however.
Hah. Whatever it is, there is ONE thing that I will never control from, shopping from food.
I can’t live without good food, let alone FOOD itself. =F
Uwargh! It tends to get a little frustrating from time to time.
By the end of each month, you’ll be sitting there, recalculating how much you have spent this month, and sometimes be shocked with the amount of money spent on that month itself.
=/

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The one thing that we all have been waiting for since the very start of high school.
Back then, whenever we want to go on outings, parents would give us a certain time limit, and if we don’t get back by that time limit, we were practically dead; NO MORE OUTINGS!
Now that I have it, sometimes I do feel like I’m taking it for granted.
I tend to spend less time at home now.
Staying back in college, wanting to study until it’s pretty late, ending up going straight for dinner with buddies before heading home.
I’ve even started to neglect Sunny. I used to be able to have time to wash her at least once a week, now? She’ll be in a mess for up to a month long. =/
Sunny, is my yellow car.
This house of mine suddenly feels like a hotel, I only return home to sleep, bath and perk myself up… to go out again.
Though she didn’t say anything, I can sense that she misses my annoyance around the house.
Which then makes me feel guilty.

Being allowed to enjoy yourself while being guilty stricken,
I do believe this is what being a ‘BIG GIRL’ means.

Owh. You wouldn’t want me to start with the driving part.
YOU REALLY WOULDN’T WANT TO!
Or maybe I’ll nag about it in my next post, provided that I have that mood then. =P

…

So.. what happens if you passed this bigboy-biggirl stage?
Don’t worry! THEY HAVE MORE QUESTIONS TO ASK!!!
The boyfriend/girlfriend question will still be asked, NO DOUBT.
And at this age, if you do have a partner, somehow these aunts and uncles suddenly seem to have perfect memory, remembering that you have a partner. Impressive, ain’t it? ;P
Then they’ll ask you what you are working as; how much you are earning…
WAIT! Then if they notice you’ve been long with your partner, or if you still haven’t have a partner until a certain age, they will ask you, “so, when are you planning to get married?”
And if you’re married, “When are you going to have kids?”
Or if you have your first child already, “When will your next child coming?”
As a conclusion, these questions will always appear, whether you are visiting relatives or visiting your childhood friend at their homes, they will be asked.
What I find intriguing is that the pattern never fails to be the exact same on as the previous years. =)
Haha. It’s interesting.
Probably build a legacy on its own already. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up like them too.
HAHAHHAHHHAHAH

For the mean time, allow me to enjoy my ‘BIG GIRL’ moments.