scoliosis.

a medical condition where a spine is crooked laterally.
when x-rayed, the scans show the spine in an S or C shaped instead of the usual | line.
as freaky as it sounds, it is actually a very common condition within the human race.

i, have scoliosis.

it was noticed by my auntie back in 2006, when i was form 1.
she was wondering how come my spine looked slightly crooked from the ordinary straight spine.
and since my bro had complicants with his back, i guess it was natural for her to spot my spine.
and the skinny me, was a plus point for her to spot it.
heh.
so yes. she started 'massaging' my back and was then convinced that i had a spine problem
we then went to a doctor at sunway medical centre.
yeah.
went for x-ray and true enough, i have a crooked spine.

i was then given a cast to wear.
it is called 'brace'. or some sort.
i was about to curse at the account of that brace, but yes. i should not.
anyway, this awesome fawsome cast was hard and hot.
i can't really describe to you how it is.
but it is ment to push my spine back to it's original place.

well of course, i was still a kid then,
and it was so uncomfortable,
i couldn't be bothered wearing it 24-7.

i'd like to think that i am mutated.
but sad fact is that millions of others would also be mutated, in this case. =/

i have always been lazy with the way i seat and stand.
my sis and aunt would be whacking my scapula whenever they see me hunching while i walk.
that, was when i was much younger.
and then i have my aunt who is always screaming at me for sitting retardedly, especially when i'm at the desktop.
MAYBE, that is the reason why i have scoliosis.
or perhaps, i was born with it.

whichever it is, it definitely has an effect on my lifestyle.
wearing heels,
sleeping long hours,
sitting down for long hours,
sitting on a chair without back support,
lying down for long hours,
standing for long hours,
carrying heavy loads,
doing bridges and scorpion crap without stretching before hand,
extensive dancing,
all those, i can't do.
in an event that i do have to do that, my lower back will start to ache.
in severe cases, it would be most comforting if i just lie down on my bed, not moving a muscle at all.

but i guess i am lucky, cause i have yet to reach such severity.
i've experience looking at how severe cases would turn out like.
my bro. he had this back pain once, that he could not get out of bed, at all. pretty much like he couldn't move at all.
=/

haha! i bruised my back once.
while i was practising my high jump back in high school.
back in... 2009!
yeap. i was jumping all wrongly and i kept landing on the same spot, with the bar, directly on my spine.
i can't realy recall how bad it was, but i know it left me with a stretch scar.
i'm guessing the bruise to be really bad that my skin had to expand in that way until it left a stretch mark. =/
but i remember that i couldn't sleep on my back at all.
and i'm pretty sure that developed into my current sleeping posture of having my face planted onto the pillow instead of my head.

despite knowing the capability of my back, i still do those crap.
dumb much, but yeap.
if i don't, i'm pretty much lifeless. =/

as the years passed through 2006 up until 2010,
i, did not do anything about my spine.
eventhough i had that brace with me, i soon grew out of it.
and knowing if i go back to the doctor to get another brace done, few thousands would just disappear into thin air.
i was still able to walk, i wasn't suffering, i decided not to care.

then last year, my aunt came across this advertisement on the newspaper,
it was mentioning Spinal Inc and how it specialises on Scoliosis and other spine conditions.
my aunt asked me to go. and i thought,
"owh well, let's just see what can be done, besides, it has been years since i last bothered about my spine."
went there and had an x-ray done, my degree of curvature has in fact, increased.
(people who have gotten dangerous curves, were to undergo a major surgery to implant a metal rod or two to keep the spine straight)
and so, the reason why i am occupied with physio now.

i am one of the lucky ones whereby it doesn't cause complicants to any organs, or any other parts of my body.
the fact that the curvature wasn't a high risk one, caused me to pretty much neglect it's severity.
but then again, it could actually get worse as i age,
and the pain should gradually increase with it.

even at this age, i am already having back pains, i seriously cannot imagine if i can handle the pain as i age. =X

diligently doing my physio as of now.

spine.
it is so important, that it affects everything else.
one, should take good care of it.
for we humans, have only one spine, and one life.

as hard as we try to move forward,
as tempting as it is, to never look back,
the past always comes back to bite us in the ass.

and as history shows us again and again,
those who forget the past, are doomed to repeat it.

i strive to be a better person.

along the way, i fail.
at almost everything i do, i fail.
it throws me into this empty corner, thinking through what i have done.
yeap.
like what we see on the tv screens when primary going school kids does something teachers consider 'naughty', they are then sent to one corner of the classroom where they sit to ponder on what they have done. if i'm not mistaken, they called this the corner of shame?
but hey. i do believe it works. neheh.

humans are not perfect.
we, in fact, will never be.
we can be considered as 'good' or 'expert' at something, but we can never be perfect.
'perfect' is a more like a self-proclaimed status.
'perfect' means there is no room for improvement.
'perfect' means you are at the ultimate peak of whatever you claim to be 'perfect' at.
'perfect' means you're an ass.
one brainless one indeed.

things in life are ever-changing.
you change to adjust to the current situation.
you can't predict what happens next. you can guess, but you won't know for sure, until it happens.
after drastic changes being made, you stop, realising how far you are from who you were, you start wondering...
what have you missed.
missed in the sense where you 'left' the past behind.
thinking back,
how much you could've done,
what you should've done,
how it would change the current situation if you had done that.
regrets.
regrets with actions you could've taken.
regrets with actions you have done.

but then again, the past belongs where it belongs, the past.
there is no such thing as time travelling.
there isn't a point regretting about the past either.
we live our lives for the present.
the past is a remembrance on how we should decide on the present given situations,
where we hope, we would not regret this decision, like the past decisions made.

the past will definitely haunt us as we live on,
the past holds us down, keeping us 'grounded',
the past reminds us, that we are not perfect,
the past guides us to the future,
the past, is the past.

as much as i will fail,
i will learn to stand up on my own two feet,
and brave the world once again.
over, and over, and over, and over again.

beliefs.
one single brick that is needed to build a skyscraper of identity, of a single individual.

really?

or at least it builds, multiplys and conquers the cells of a single body to function in a particular way whereby it dominates a person's personality.

*i have no idea what i just said. but it sounds nice.*

bleah. i shall see what i can do with this post. i shall leave it as it is as of now. =)

a treasure hunt.
clues hidden at random places,
riddles needed to be solved before you can move on,
even the slightest detail along the whole journey would actually be your answer that could lead you to the treasure.

life depicted in an unnoticable form.

i'd always put life in a way
where i would call it a bitch.
simply because, the moment i figure something out about life,
it slaps me, up down left right, north south east west.

bits and pieces of life lies within almost everything we can see or touch.
true enough some of you will disagree with what i say,
but it really depends on what you see and understand about life.
like i said.
it bitch slaps you as soon as you THINK you figure something out.
with that palmful of realisation it gives, you'll soon discover another fact about life.

we play the game, the sims.
where we play god and control everything this sim does.
we create a sim, choose it's appearance, pick it's personality.
then we run their life.
as plain as it is, many of us would end up figuring different ways, killing this sim of ours.
trust me, this is the best part of the whole game.
in a way that i see it, we do this out of curiosity.
we, ourselves would not want to end our own lives, thus we substitute with this, pretty much brainless sim, to see what would happen.
often a times, we enjoy watching our sim suffer.
nope, we don't feel bad for their death, we go into an amusement mode instead.
then we start all over again, just to kill them again.
or maybe it's just me being sadistic, my apologies.

hopping back to those life pieces scattered all over,
here, you play an important role in determining how much you would want to know about life.
you have the choice to pick up these scattered pieces, or choose to ignore them.
if you do pick them up, you have to be prepare to brace the impact each of these pieces come in hand with.

here is an example of a piece that you can pick up on.
i'm here in my room right now, so i'll just pick the standing fan as the example.
now it may seem like there isnt anything that could possibly be related to life.
but yeah.
i'll bring you into my world for a moment. =)

this standing fan has been in this room ever since i moved into this house.
not until this year, it would normally be my auntie who does the cleaning.
but she couldn't be bothered to clean it now, cause i am considered old enough to clean it on my own.
to her, it was time for me to learn to take care of my own room, myself.
the last time i cleaned my room, was december, right before the start of my life as a college student.
then january came, i was considered pretty responsible as i continued to clean my room and all.
but as the months passed, i got lazier. ignored how 'dirty' my room was.
as all i needed, was to come home and get a good sleep, and then proceed to another day in college.
the fan stands there, patiently, functioning every hour i sit here in this room.
it wasn't until last week when i got home, realised how much i had neglected the cleanliness of my own room.
then i had a look at this faithful fan of mine, all dusty and musty.
yeap. i then took the initiative to clean it.
now i feel much better.
how is this related to life?
you can say i'm delusional.
i do believe i am from time to time.
but it is my way of appreciating things.
for instance, the initiative taken to clean this dusty fan, made me feel somewhat uplifted, knowing that it is cleaned.
in this case, the life lesson would be to take initiative to do things, whereby you'll have a positive comeback.

though one can't always expect a positive comeback with every 'life factor' encountered.
with each step a person takes,
a piece of life is learnt.

so what if you decide to ignore those life pieces.
it'll haunt you.
*cues epic music.*
if only it does happen.
then everybody would take an initiative to learn about their own lives.
=/

you can say, some people choose not to meddle with their own lives,
and rather just go with the flow.
respected.
but whether you like it or not, life will always be there.
it is inevitable.
it is a part of who we are.

but at the end of the day,
i still think life is a bitch.

one 'smart' individual was seen holding a book, sitting on the driver's seat, controlling the steering wheel at the same time.
who on earth does he/she think he/she is?!

here's the thing about driving.
it requires full attention.
true enough, accidents happen within a split of a second.
*is that even proper phrase? erh... it sounds nice though. =O *
the moment two drivers lose their focus at that particular same moment, an accident is bound to occur.
i mean, look, if a person is driving wrecklessly, and the other is alert, surely there is a way to avoid the accident from happening.
no?

hey! there should be a psychologist out there just to investigate such cases.
right at this moment, typing this, so much pyschological thoughts are rummaging in this 3 pound organ of mine.
but as of now, i shall settle with the fact that the two drivers was not in focus for the same second.
*satisfied*

and HOW can these drivers get off focus?
there is the issue with handphones,
then there are statistical records on accidents taking place while the driver was eating,
drunkards,
even the normal looking people, who got involved, are suspectedly delusionalised for that moment.
owh, and also distraction by the people in the car. eg, babies being strapped at the backseat of the car, crying out of nowhere. OR. kids making a havoc at the backseat.
hrm...

let's put it this way,
i myself have experienced, whereby i almost HIT another car. a few times. within a single trip.
the state where i was wandering far away in my thoughts, that i couldn't focus much on the road.
it happens.
here's the case:
something bad happened before you had to drive.
it caused you to think all sorts of nonsense, trying to understand what had just happened.
but you can't just stay there, you had to drive.
and you're driving alone.
well of course, you don't have anybody to talk it through with, you start to wander into space, forgetting the world for a short moment.
before you know it ......... yeap.

the moment i reach home, was the moment i felt safe.

and here are the list of illegal things i do while i drive, alone ;
text
call
change my outerwear
stretch all the way back to the backseat to grab something
change songs on the radio
change CDs
dance
filling my tummy with edible substances. EAT!

texting.
people will think that,
"hey, it's just texting, i'll get it done within seconds."
"traffic light ma! got few seconds to spare, no problem."
"traffic is slow, i can handle this."
no people, NO!
concentration diverts when this happens.
same thing goes to calls.
"omg! important call, must pick up... HELLO?! OMG! NOOO!!!!!!"
imagine if that happens, i'm pretty sure that car is right in front of your face already.
dude.
a phone call is like the worse form of emotion transfer device.
a shocking news should never be received in such conditions; driving.
if a call is really that important, the most a person should do is,
pick up the phone and say, "i'm currently driving, can you please call back later?"
or how we malaysians do it, "DRIVING AH! CALL BACK LATER!"
best bet, just don't answer, if that person calling you really needs to talk to you, they can call back later.
or you can call back later when you're not driving.
and texts will not disappear if you don't read them immediately.

HAHA!
such contradiction.

i do know it is not safe to do so.
i try my best NOT TO do those stuff while i drive.
i really do.
but sometimes at times of crisis, it just had to be done. =S

if the driver is not focused,
driver should never attempt speeding.
no. i shall rephrase that.
driver should never attempt to drive.

speeding itself require tremendous amount of concentration.
to be honest, i always liked to drive til i reach 120km/h.
but now, i pretty much reduced to 100km/h.
it just scares the daylights out of me.
everything is going at a fast speed, anything could happen anytime.
i picture myself not being able to break in time.
THAT. is scary.
*picures gory moment when an accident happens and my body is sent flying out through the window screen and then landing after a good few metres away from the collision point. maybe being squashed like a pancake where my physical identity could not be identified, being pinned under two large chunks of metal. urgh.*

i still fear driving eventhough i've been driving legally for a year now.
especially when it's dark, or when it rains, or both together.
=/

btw. i read when i drive too.
not a smart act, but definitely a foolish one.

if i die,
i would want to return as a ghost.
one that would just walk amongst people and observe.
is that even possible?
hrm...