for a way of who i am, do i really need to explain myself?

a lost of identity, confusion and the uncertainty of who i am. when i think i am one, i turn out to be the other. what i think is normally based on what others think, little did i realise, i would get angry and would try to explain myself for the way i am. problem is, you can't control what people think of you, and i on the other hand, gets really sensitive when people talk nasty things about me, eventhough they may be good ones, where they have the intention of making me a better person. but as a person, 19 years alive with all those past i have, it was definitely something really difficult to comprehand with.

i would have to say that i am insecure. i listen to what people have to say about me really attentively, especially from my friends. as though i have built a thick bubble of protection around my head, i tend to absorb everything, but i would depend on the bubble from not erupting my true self. somesort like it. i would normally have psychotic thoughts and would normally blame myself first. i occassionally need help from someone who is sane, to listen to my abnormally insane thoughts. i have always wanted to go for a psychologist or somesort, and when i tell them to normal people, they would give me that, 'what the hell for?' look. which then strengthens the fact that they think i am insane.

i try not to find people when i am in trouble, i figured it would be better if i could solve them myself and not bother anyone. sometimes i take other people's problems and make them my own, which naturally causes me to think more than i should. it is sort of dumb for me to that, but it is something i would do as me. i've always felt like there would be no one out there who would understand what i am going through. silly, but sometimes i do feel so. as i choose not to tell it to the world. for that fear of what people would think of me in return. it is rather heartbreaking. and when i have friends whom i feel as though they were trapped as i was, i try to help them, telling them they are not alone.

fact is, almost everyone have problems of their own.
the reason why everyone has different thoughts on different scenarios, it is only the general feeling that we all have that we all share that keeps us feeling rather... safe. not lonely.

beating myself up would be a norm. that fear never seems to fade. and how people portray me is just horrifying. one would tell me i am such, when the fact, i was not at all. simply said, people just say things they feel like saying, thus creating a whole fuss out of it. stupid of me to actually absorb it all, but i do that, and i torture myself because i don't know how else am i supposed to be, for i can't see who i am, and all i want to do is improve myself for the better. parents and friends have different mindsets, it confuses me to the point where i wish i could just dig my brains out, and just end my life there and then.

ending my life is selfish, i know. and i figured, that maybe by distracting myself with other things would help me live another day. dying is by luck, even if you try to murder yourself, when it isnt your time to die, YOU WON'T DIE!

some might even say that i am only trying to get attention by being so low on myself, hoping someone would take pity of me and such. see, even that sentence is about 'what others are seeing or thinking' and it is rarely about what i sincerely think. i want to be accepted. i want attention. is that too much to ask for? i am neurotic with my actions, because i am daring, and i have nothing to lose. i make fun of myself, make myself the laughing 'thing' for people.

sometimes i try too hard to impress and eliminate the negative thoughts of me, i lose myself when i do that. it gets tiring. i think too much. i am aware of that. that is one way i have learned to be myself. i learnt to listen to what people have to say. what am i doing wrong?

have never stopped to think that i am at wrong. whenever a problem occurs, when it is me who is involved, it is an automatic response for me to blame myself first. because i realise when things turn wrong, blaming had always been the first thing that comes out from ones mouth. and they would blame others before they blame themselves, eventhough in my eyes, the observer, sees the fault clearly was the blaming one. humans have always been complicating. reason why i took up psychology. by right, it should make me want to learn more about them, but as the classes passed, there were not any answers answered directly to me, it just seems like a whole branch of problems all over again. categorising people into several groups, and then to be argued by another psychologist that it was a whole different crap to begin with. i got more confused. as a human, i got more confused.

i hate humans. i am honest as hell. i hate humans. watching the kardashian sisters just made my head feeling much more heavier than it was, wondering how it was possible that humans could actually behave in such manner when everything was right there, with solutions where everything like that could be avoided in the first place. it confuses me that people could actually be like that. then it made me realise there was nothing to be done about how people behave, how people think, how they live their lives, how they make their decisions. it would just make me go insane.

i thought by learning about people, determining which is wrong, and which is right, would make me create whom i would be seen as a normal person. there is not one person in the world who is perfect. just the random variety of humans.

the world around me meant the most to me.
i learnt to build myself from the rest.
getting crazy along the way.
i hate who i am.
it is torturing.
i can't stop either.
i don't know what to do.