Stress. I wouldnt normally use this word much often, and well, since I am already using it here, might as well I release everything I feel compressed inside of me for all this while. Question, why compress when you can actually choose not to do so? I guess it is one way where I keep my thoughts to myself and only release it in a small amount, probably just the icing when the batter overflows, just to keep myself composed for the next straw.

My sister is getting married. It is a blissful event for sure, but to ensure that it will be flawless, tons are needed to be done, prepared and checked. Since I am the closest and easiest for my sister to reach, and with me looking at her fussing around, it felt like it was necessary for me to help her out in whatever way I could. No, I am not saying I am reluctant, but it is rather hard for me to listen to her requests when there was so much going in my head. Thus, with a slight change of impromptu plans, it would really get me off my cool and I would really blow up. This time, it would be my first time actually arguing back with my sister. And I would actually win. I guess it is cause she understood that I was going through quite abit recently. Yes, I understand that I should be tolerating, expecting that she is the one who is much more nervous than me, but there are times where I just can't control myself no longer. I do feel bad for any misbehaves I had done, and I have nothing I can do to reverse those actions of mine, but I guess what is left for me to do is probably calm myself down at least by a little, before carrying on with my next task.

What other things that could possibly cause me so much tension when it was the week where joy spills around into everyone's hearts? My exam results was about to be released in the midst of the celebration. Hand in hand with that would be me, making my decision on which uni I should be going to for the following year. Deciding in a uni would be a considerably hard thing for me to do, as I was still unsure which uni would be the best for me. And the question that goes around wondering whether I would have sufficient atar to be accepted to the uni. Prior to the release of the results, I had three unconditional offer already. Which had me in a slight relieve, allowing me to have a breather or two that I may have secured myself a spot in the Australian unis.

And then there was this question where I had to decide between Melbourne and Tasmania. Honestly saying, I had my heart telling me to go for Tasmania. Yes, the image given to me were all about how it is lonely and quiet there, with minimal entertainment and also the difficulty even trying to get to Tasmania. And they were also giving me how Melbourne is much better, without being too direct either. Melbourne had much of the upper side compared to Tasmania, no doubt. Yet, something about Tasmania was winning me over Melbourne. And this debate is still running up til today. And so happen, my results was 0.5 atar short of the requirement for monash in Melbourne, it gives me much more thoughts than I already had. Monash was my 1st choice, 2nd was Tasmania, but questions and thoughts about me had pushed La Trobe and Tasmania into a battle of its own kind. It is still a tough one. =/

Choosing a uni is difficult, getting a visa to aussie is another problem. My worried sister had yet to stop pestering me on getting my visa done. Well, seemingly that my sem begins by end of Feb, I really had to rush to get things done if I really do want to get there. Why I choose Australia? I like it there. Its calming and is totally different from what we experience here in Malaysia. And besides, it is about time that I have to begin to take control of my own life. It is enough that I have been a bothersome one to this family I have lived with for the past 16 years of my life. It is time that I leave. I am not a slight bit scared with the fact that I will be on my own. I am only worried that I wont be able to focus on my studies with my wild emotions, practically killing me. So yes, I need to mentally prepare myself for whatever I am facing when I am finally there. I really do believe this part is necessary.

Next, family issues. Owh. It isnt that much, really. It just gets me to have even more thoughts that I believe, would make me go crazy someday in the future. Partly the reason why I wanted to leave. Then there would not be as much conflict as there is now. I could prevent myself from listening to thoughts and opinions that I do not wish to listen to when it is evident it would only make me even more confused. Here, is an example of how I goes things. My mother had bought me two dresses costing of a total 2000 hkd. I told my auntie when I got home, for I was concern about my mother's spending habits. But when the purchasing was done, I felt like I could not say no, for my mom looked happy and which goddamned daughter would like to spoil their mother's happy moment especially when they rarely get to meet? Okay. Then when I was back, it was understood by my auntie that my mom only knew how to be spendrift and is never thinking about saving. Honestly, I had a personal talk with my mother about this issue, and we both even shed tears talking about it, so yes, I understand what is happening. And what understand could not be told to my aunt because she would not have listened to me in anyway at all, for I knew she had her own thought set already. Nothing could actually change that thought.

Lol. That was a long paragraph. But I am not done. So when she came to know about the 2k dresses, she had been using it against me whenever I do a little spending on my own. God forbid, money had been such an issue since I came to knew about things that I find it extremely difficult to even spend on my own. The only way I could enjoy myself without a pinch of guilt when I spend my money, is on food. Food had brought me joy and I would like to keep it that way for as long as I can. Because I know spending felt like a forbidden thing to do, with every dollar I spend, I would think, hrmm... is this worth it? Thus, the hatred towards people who mention, "aiya, you rich ma, nevermind!" really makes me feel like plunging not only one punch into their faces, it would be me having imaginations where I could cut a line across their stomachs and pulling their intestines out. Lol. Sorry. Abit too gory. But yeah. In all honesty, I am sadistic. =/

Which then brings me back to the fact that I am headed for Australia to study. How I wish I could stop people from using the 'rich' label when I tell them I am actually going to aussie. It is as though people needed to be rich kids to be able to study overseas and all. First of all, I have a passion for animals and Australia is one country that could provide me with sufficient education that could feed my desire to learn them. Zoology. There is no way I could study it here in Malaysia. Especially when everybody thinks that your only job when you graduate from a zoology degree, is to work in the zoo. Looking at how terrible our own zoo is, does it not leave you with a clearer image on why I could not study zoology here in Malaysia? Damn you people. Besides. There had been alot of difficulties, tons of arguements and bucketful of tears that had to be gone through just to get to where I am here today, a hopeful to be able to have a freakin chance to study in Australia. And why on earth did I even take ausmat if I wasn't headed for Australia? And I could have taken SAM, which is slightly pricier compared to AusMat. Rich? Go eat shit please.

Oh cool. It had turned into a rage post. Very good. Even the sarcasm is about to come in play in this awesome rage post. I am still not done. I was in a relationship for less than a month. And I have tons to talk about. Just a reminder, if this is getting tiring for you, you can stop now and free yourself from a continuous rage that I am about to get in with. In all respect and appreciation, thank you for even reading until this far. I'm sorry for the rage. ><

Here it goes. He was a guy whom I never had the thought who I would end up with. It coincidently happened when I had this weird relationship talk with my aunt. Somehow I told her I was really scared to be in a relationship, due to all the stories I had heard of, and I never once dared to open myself up for a relationship. I was that scared. What she said had somehow convinced me that it would be alright to be in a relationship, to learn and have a company with me to support me and all. I was already having slight crushes here and there, only thing that stopped me was my guts and my insecure feelings.

Besides, I was already having plans for Australia, figured I should not get into anything serious because it would only stretch and pull the relationship to a point where it snaps and hurts the two of us, like a rubber band. But he came along, and he told me he liked me. So my insecurities took the main stage, I had that crush on him, so I did not push him away, instead, I told him what could possibly happen if we were to be together and how it would hurt the both of us. Somehow he insisted. And that got me thinking, maybe it would be worth the try. Who knows we could actually work things out and be together eventhough we were apart. Things got slightly serious, when I eventually fell for him. Eventhough the fact that it would be strained and snap, I still hung on, trying to work things out. But I guess my insecurity was turning into a top notch security system that it had failed me. Eventually, it was already snapping even before we were leaving for aussie. People may say that it was better off that it ended early, then it would be something less of a worry when I leave for aussie. But the thought that I tried whatever I could to save it, yet the rubber band snapped a little bit too soon, is still a little bit too hard to digest at this moment.

Would have to say this is my first serious relationship. But time had not allowed it to be a better one. And so I am not too sure what it really is now.

Yeap. And there is also another problem with friends. I had initially planned to leave for aussie without informing anyone. Oopss. I guess it was only appropriate to inform, as I may never be seeing them ever again. As of now, I have no thoughts of returning back here as the ticket is considered really pricey. But I guess time will tell. It will be a three years course, honestly, I have no plans in returning to Malaysia even after I am done studying. It feels like I would have a better future there in Australia as compared to here, in Malaysia. Zoology = work in zoo. Pfft. Work in Australia's zoo also get so much more appreciation than working in Malaysia's zoo la. See you people only know how to torture animals. Tiger also can keep as pet. Such a disgrace.

Heh. Sorry. That was my hormones doing the talking a little while back there. ><
And yes, I am finally done with this post of mine. I really thank you for reading up to this far. ><
P.s: I still love my auntie, mom and sis regardless. They are my family. Just that from time to time, issues will surface and it boils me a little.
=)

7.13pm, 2nd Jan 2012.