"too focused on expressing yourself, abandoning me"

Now to think of it. I do agree with what had happened. And I believe it is me, my behaviour that has caused this matter to occur. Now to think of it, I believe this is what my mother and aunt is experiencing.

I havent been talking to people quite normally for the past few weeks. It was only me, talking mentally to my blogposts, or chatting online with friends. Honestly, most of it were false expressions. With a solemn expressionless face over on this end, while I send out some smileys that would sound like the normal me is talking. Somehow, it came to me that I had some difficulty expressing myself in person. Feeling rather constricted, one method I could express myself freely, would be by writing. Writing itself takes me an approximate one hour or more. Short writing doesnt really work these days. And blogposts are increasing by the day.

It gets worrying. My mother and aunt are now annoyed with the fact that I am constantly on my phone, either chatting, composing or gaming away. My life seems to be as dull and emo as ever. There does not seem to be anything else I would rather do than to sit alone, think of a topic and compose something. There were tons for me to do, yet I choose to delay, delaying it to the very last minute as possible, and getting scolded all over again.

There is this one thing about me. When I get focused into something, I couldnt bother less about anything else. One would be reading. For I know, when I get my hands into some good reading material, I could just sit there for hours, reading. Now, it's writing. It felt like I had tons to talk about, yet I could only get them out in words, and not verbally. It felt as though there wasnt any point talking anymore at one point. Somewhat like whatever I say would be worth nothing. And it works best when I have them down in words instead.

"you always say people dont understand you"

Simply cause I choose not to mention them. For I fear arguements. And when arguements take place, blaming follows tightly behind it. People like me, would take all the blame, just to stop the arguement from going on. Yet deep down, knowing that it wasnt your fault at all, and thus having that uneasy feeling for god knows when. Yeah. I may be talking about myself. But this is what I am feeling right as this moment. I choose not to trouble others with my thoughts and opinions. Do I want people to understand me? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Yes, because it allows me to talk freely without being judged. No, because I tend to get a little too demanding at times and it WILL annoy people; things I say would not be accepted, interpreted to something else.

"you gotta be more honest with yourself from now on"

Trying.
If you find me fake with my emotions as a person, well, it's your opinion, no arguements on that. But I am as happy as I can, taking things positively as much as I can, smiling, laughing, making a fool out of myself, pushing my problems and worries far off behind me. I do that. With those problems being pushed aside, they never fail to take over my emotions and pull me over to the darkside once in a while. I need to have my down moments too. Bottling up is how I lie to myself, that everything will be alright. It normally works. Lying to myself does not feel like a sin, yet, does this mean I am actually lying to the world too? Hrmm.

"you always portray an image where people would pity you"

Taking pity from others, is a sin to me. I hate that fact when people tell me that I make people pity me and also when people do pity me. Am I creating myself an image just to get people to pity me to get attention? Maybe some of you do agree, is it cause I managed to get your attention in that manner. Some may even tell me, my posts are all emotional based that will make my readers pity me. Maybe you are right after all. I write according to my feelings in all honesty. Whatever that comes to mind, it pours out here, and I wish to share them. I wish people could change the pity into something that would make me change myself whereby I need not to be pitied by people. Or just listen to me and not judge me.

"you stupid"

Yeah. I know. How I wish it was not true. How many hearts have I broken, with the fact that I am stupid. As much as I try, I can never change that fact. Maybe I can cover up by getting myself to learn more about things, but I will always be lacking of something. And that something will be the cause of the heartbreaks. Especially for my mother and my aunt. Tears from their eyes would be the best evident with the reality if such fact. As much as I try to pretend that I am not stupid, evidence is right there in front of everyone's eyes, would pretty much be living in denial for the rest of my life.

"when people tell you things you dont listen, when will you ever learn?"

I listen, I hear, I understand. Yet it is only applicable when I start to experience it on my own. I am hard headed, probably one of the most stubborn person anyone you have ever encountered. That way, I know I'll take a bigger hit on the things I am actually experiencing. I may look like I am not listening, but I am.

Honestly, I could sense that they are really worried about me being on my own, and it is making me feel upset too. I try to pretend not to listen, giving them the sense as though I am seriously prepared to be on my own, little did I realise, I had failed, yet feeling even more upset as I know what I did was actually making them even more worried.

Stubbornness is killing me at this point. Yet I need to keep being stubborn in order to keep myself brave enough to face aussie on my own. Cause right now, with them being worried, I am beginning to doubt myself.

Have totally lost my appetite for food. Even good food doesnt work anymore. Binge eating only worked when I just want to distract myself into doing something, that would not worry them.

I don't even know what am I supposed to do anymore. Whatever I do these days just makes them worry even more. Just when I got back from macau, my aunt cried, when my mom told her about me not eating and was constantly on the phone and related with me headed to Australia. Then, just recently, I made my mom cry. For the same things. For all I did expressing my thoughts on my phone and ignored the world.

Right now, I just reached my 2nd hour of composing.

All I wanted is to relax and not do anything, but I had elapsed into a person who chooses to hide from the world, refusing to move forward, despite the new year.

I got myself confused. Sometimes, I just dont know what is it that I want. I hate the fact that I am thinking too much about almost everything. Even petty stuffs that does not need to be thought of, it just sticks in my mind like somekind of tumour or some sort.

Have been rather emotional lately. With all that overwhelming feelings of crying, yet held on tight. There isnt any reason for my to cry, really. But the slightest things that gets into my heart, would just make my heart feel extremely heavy.

Notice the amount of times the word 'feel' had been appearing in this post itself. I have feelings, that I cant express. I wish I can. But as of now, writing it out would be the only way for me to do so.

I should stop.

P/s, I love you.