yesterday, my mom left Malaysia, back to Macau to carry on with her routine.
today, my sis left for Aus, back to her routine, while my bro, to Dubai for a holiday with his wife.
i didn't send the earlier two, but i somehow followed to send my bro to the airport,
which was actually unnecessary,
but i followed anyhow.
we practically just drove there, to drop my bro and then left straight for home.
see, it was really unnecessary for me to follow.
but i guess there was a benefit of some sort.
this route have been the exact same route we take, both to the airport and to my grandma's place.
so yeah, since i wasn't talking to anyone, and i wasn't the one driving,
i drifted into a world of my own,
thinking about the past to whichever memory that i could prickle upon, to ponder upon,
but it really is awkward now thinking that my grandma isn't around anymore.
things changed drastically,
and knowing me, i hate changes, let alone drastic ones.
i know now i'll have this weird feeling whenever i look and see some random grandma who could possibly be near my grandma's age. =/
for instance, today, i was queueing at the counter at tesco, where i looked back and caught a glimpse of some random grandma, it got me wanting to look away as soon as i could, because it reminded me of my grandma.
it really is that easy for me to elapse in a delusional world of my own,
just give me a few minutes on my own, and there i'll go,
yes, it would be easy to capture me back to reality,
provided if you could distract me from that current thought i was having, otherwise it would just leave me in that pondering state for the rest of the day,
at times, it could worsen, to a point where i can't talk at all, because the thought was overwhelming by itself.
=/
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
given the time to ponder about,
i miss my grandma.
just today when i was about to leave home for a out-of-routine-shopping, i saw that there was a funeral set-up few doors down from my home,
it reminded me about the funeral experience i had not too long ago,
nope, they were not good memories,
yes, they did bring me some laughters and some confusion about the process,
but what got me pondering upon is the fact that i won't be able to see my grandma anymore.
i loved family gatherings.
those days were the happiest.
especially during chinese new years.
we would all gather up on the 2nd day of chinese new year to celebrate both chinese new year and my grandma's birthday.
those days were the happiest.
where we all would just talk and catch up with each other.
those days were the happiest.
because we could all see my grandma, smile, enjoying the presence of everyone.
those days were the happiest.
where we get to eat together, with a big number of us on a round table, chatting, eating, laughing.
those days... were the happiest.
i do love my grandma,
i just don't express it well.
what worries me is my mother and my auntie,
all this while, they have always been worried about my grandma without fail.
whenever they want to go home to visit my grandma, i would be tagging along.
everytime my mom comes home, she never fails to visit my grandma.
even when she's working over there on the other side of the sea, she would try to call my grandma, eventhough my grandma had hearing difficulties, but i'm sure it made her happy just knowing that her daughter is thinking of her.
and if my grandma is willing to, my mom would bring my grandma out to places from time to time.
during the funeral session,
my aunt and mom cried,
and that in turn made me cry along with them.
it was overwhelming,
i couldn't stand the fact that they were both upset,
the two people whom i love most are upset and are crying there and then,
it broke my heart that they were upset,
i cried along with them.
they loved my grandma.
they cared in everyway they could.
but yet, there are times that their effort were being doubted, and that hurt them the most,
all they were doing was providing my grandma with love, like how she showered them with love when they were younger.
i have no clue what i was supposed to post about,
but i just felt like posting something.
i guess this would do this time around.
love, need not to be expressed by just mere words.
love, is best understood and felt by other means.
words are only means of decoration, it means nothing if there were no meaning behind it.
tears, a sign of love.
tears that flow without words, the most powerful way one could feel the love that person has towards that one person,
or maybe a few.
tears flow, when we are hurt by people we trust most, those whom we loved most.
a tight hug, can be a sign of love.
how tight a person hugs you, shows how much you are appreciated by the other person.
it does not necessarily mean you have a special love, love, it's just love. period.
lol.
i can't continue any longer.
i apologise for this weird post of mine this time around.
=/
i miss my grandma.
just today when i was about to leave home for a out-of-routine-shopping, i saw that there was a funeral set-up few doors down from my home,
it reminded me about the funeral experience i had not too long ago,
nope, they were not good memories,
yes, they did bring me some laughters and some confusion about the process,
but what got me pondering upon is the fact that i won't be able to see my grandma anymore.
i loved family gatherings.
those days were the happiest.
especially during chinese new years.
we would all gather up on the 2nd day of chinese new year to celebrate both chinese new year and my grandma's birthday.
those days were the happiest.
where we all would just talk and catch up with each other.
those days were the happiest.
because we could all see my grandma, smile, enjoying the presence of everyone.
those days were the happiest.
where we get to eat together, with a big number of us on a round table, chatting, eating, laughing.
those days... were the happiest.
i do love my grandma,
i just don't express it well.
what worries me is my mother and my auntie,
all this while, they have always been worried about my grandma without fail.
whenever they want to go home to visit my grandma, i would be tagging along.
everytime my mom comes home, she never fails to visit my grandma.
even when she's working over there on the other side of the sea, she would try to call my grandma, eventhough my grandma had hearing difficulties, but i'm sure it made her happy just knowing that her daughter is thinking of her.
and if my grandma is willing to, my mom would bring my grandma out to places from time to time.
during the funeral session,
my aunt and mom cried,
and that in turn made me cry along with them.
it was overwhelming,
i couldn't stand the fact that they were both upset,
the two people whom i love most are upset and are crying there and then,
it broke my heart that they were upset,
i cried along with them.
they loved my grandma.
they cared in everyway they could.
but yet, there are times that their effort were being doubted, and that hurt them the most,
all they were doing was providing my grandma with love, like how she showered them with love when they were younger.
i have no clue what i was supposed to post about,
but i just felt like posting something.
i guess this would do this time around.
love, need not to be expressed by just mere words.
love, is best understood and felt by other means.
words are only means of decoration, it means nothing if there were no meaning behind it.
tears, a sign of love.
tears that flow without words, the most powerful way one could feel the love that person has towards that one person,
or maybe a few.
tears flow, when we are hurt by people we trust most, those whom we loved most.
a tight hug, can be a sign of love.
how tight a person hugs you, shows how much you are appreciated by the other person.
it does not necessarily mean you have a special love, love, it's just love. period.
lol.
i can't continue any longer.
i apologise for this weird post of mine this time around.
=/
Friday, October 28, 2011
we, humans are emotional beings
we, are able to express our emotions, without boundaries,
we, cry when we feel upset,
we, scream when we feel angry,
we, laugh when we experience something that tickles our laughing senses,
tears.
generally, it is meant to protect our eyes from being too dry,
it somehow has some medication to it that keeps our eyes moist, and disinfected of bacterias and such,
but why is it that sometimes, we have tears that flow down our cheeks, free-flowing all of a sudden, as though our tear duct had burst in someway or somehow.
chopping onions, make us tear,
it's because of the burning sensation that the onions that hits our eyes,
eating spicy food, make us tear,
similarly, the burning sensation on the internal was the reason to why we tear,
when we are hurt physically, we tear,
we couldn't seem to stand the pain and it is expressed through our tears.
could we control these tears from flowing, if we could in anyway?
what about tears of those who are hurt emotionally,
why does it appear like there is an never-ending flow of tears, when it comes to emotional pressures?
we watch a sad movie, with people crying, some of us would end up tearing along with the characters,
we were so emotionally attached to the characters, that we could feel the emotions that they were protraying, that it made us cry along with them.
what if your loved one was crying?
there was no reason for you to cry, but because your loved ones were crying, somehow, you would end up crying with them.
you, feel their emotions, that you felt whatever that they were feeling, and that you would elapse into tears as well.
and when you're too happy, you'd tear up too.
these would be called, 'tears of joy', a positive outcome of tears.
you are overwhelmed with joy, emotions running high, you tear.
tears, tears, tears. hrm...
we, are able to express our emotions, without boundaries,
we, cry when we feel upset,
we, scream when we feel angry,
we, laugh when we experience something that tickles our laughing senses,
tears.
generally, it is meant to protect our eyes from being too dry,
it somehow has some medication to it that keeps our eyes moist, and disinfected of bacterias and such,
but why is it that sometimes, we have tears that flow down our cheeks, free-flowing all of a sudden, as though our tear duct had burst in someway or somehow.
chopping onions, make us tear,
it's because of the burning sensation that the onions that hits our eyes,
eating spicy food, make us tear,
similarly, the burning sensation on the internal was the reason to why we tear,
when we are hurt physically, we tear,
we couldn't seem to stand the pain and it is expressed through our tears.
could we control these tears from flowing, if we could in anyway?
what about tears of those who are hurt emotionally,
why does it appear like there is an never-ending flow of tears, when it comes to emotional pressures?
we watch a sad movie, with people crying, some of us would end up tearing along with the characters,
we were so emotionally attached to the characters, that we could feel the emotions that they were protraying, that it made us cry along with them.
what if your loved one was crying?
there was no reason for you to cry, but because your loved ones were crying, somehow, you would end up crying with them.
you, feel their emotions, that you felt whatever that they were feeling, and that you would elapse into tears as well.
and when you're too happy, you'd tear up too.
these would be called, 'tears of joy', a positive outcome of tears.
you are overwhelmed with joy, emotions running high, you tear.
tears, tears, tears. hrm...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
hello there.
i'm not to sure if i'm actually allowed to post this up,
but i just needed to write something about it,
hopefully nothing paranormal would happen if i do. hehe
well. i'm left with about 4 to 5 days til my first paper, bio.
and it's my finals,
but i'm having my break now, but yeah. it's a study break but i'm thrown off of my routine of 'going to college to study til it's late and i'm satisfied with that i've studied for the day',
because,
my grandma had passed away.
i'm not sad.
but i do miss her.
she had been so strong all this while.
even that snake bite three years back did not kill her.
she was be bed-ridden for about one week, and we all thought it was time for her to go then already,
but nope, she was strong, too strong in fact, that she survived the poisonous snake bite to live until now.
but of course we didn't want to risk her getting another injury like that, so my aunts and uncles planned out some 'plan' where they took turns taking care of grandma.
owh. prior to that snake incident, she lived alone in her own home.
where she rears chickens and pigeons.
goodness know how much strength this old lady has,
she managed to move heavy objects around by herself, mending her chicken coop and the pigeon... wait. it's actually the pigeon's coop, because the chickens were free to walk around. HAHA
when i was younger, she had ducks. one super old duck which i remember walking about the house, slowly but he was walking around still. =)
i got that animal love thanks to both my auntie and grandma, actually.
i just realised it. HAHA
everytime i go back to my grandma's place, she'd give me one of her little chicks to play with.
play, but i didn't kill any of them.
it would break my heart if i do injure them in anyways.
but i remember them being too comfortable and they just shit on me.
HAHHAHA
good times.
and my grandma is SO CUTE!
her favourite would be KFC. HAHAHAHAHA
ironically, she rears them chicken, but she loves them chicken meat. =O
and!! we would travel to Seremban often when we do pay our grandma a visit,
going to Pizza Hut, calling pizzas, 'la-kia-si' also meant, spider web.
hahahahahaha.
she is so cute!!
and i would have to say, she was the only reason, everybody returned home to celebrate chinese new year together as a whole big family,
for her birthday falls on the 2nd day of chinese new year, which makes everything much more significant.
but due to family complicants, that, had failed for the past two to three years.
but within that three years, my grandma was able to spend more time with each of her children.
so i guess, she was satisfied already.
and i'm pretty sure she was choosing the right timing to go,
because everything seemed to have fall in the right time;
-my mom came back with her boyfriend,
-my sis came back for a transit to indonesia, so she managed to know what is happening somehow,
-my grandma's sister (or was it my grandpa's sister? hrm...) passed away not too long ago.
and i guess she didn't feel like it was necessary for her to further fight it anymore.
she's 88 years old.
somehow the chinese tradition made it a total of 91, as the death age,
and at the age of 91, it seems like some sort of celebration, because it isn't easy for old people to live that long anymore.
my grandma was awesome.
but she stil cute!
especially when she laughs.
=)
about ten years ago, my grandpa passed away.
i was too young to remember what exactly happened, but i know i was that little girl walking around, confused with what was happening.
so when the funeral was taking place this time for my grandma,
i was trying hard to remember what happened for my grandpa, because the memory i have of it was really vague.
=/
owh! i'm like the youngest cousin of the 'Wong' family.
and i still am as blur as usual from time to time. haha
what i didn't get was, the praying session.
it doesn't make any sense to me.
and it got me laughing several times.
and wait. i have issues with my surname. HAHAHA
i'm supposed to follow my father's surname, Ou, right?
but since young, my mom had always thought me how to write the 'Wong' as my surname in chinese.
So, when this happened, the praying session needed to annouce everybody's name, those of who are related to my grandma; the sons, the daughters, the in-laws, the grandchildrens and the greatgrandchildrens.
so when my name was mentioned, 'Wong Kah Sim'
it was really awkward. all my cousins looked back at me. HAHAHAHAHHA
i, myself was confused, my facial expression didn't even change when they all looked back at me, i just go O.o???
HAHAHAHAH
and their chants were as though they were randomly mentioning random names,
they even had a special tune for it,
and because the session was freaking long, i somehow decided to entertain myself by moving to the beat of the tune from time to time.
yes, it seems disrespectful.
but i am YOUNG! and long praying sessions like that could easily bore me to sleep. =/
there was this one session where it requires us to walk around the front compound of the house, pick up a coin and place it into a bowl, then pluck a leaf off a branch that was placed there, and placing the leaf into the box.
i forgotten how many rounds we walked, but as we were entering the 4th round, one of the 'praying people' told us "pluck more the better", well DUHH, my bro was infront of me and we just started plucking leaves like nobody's business.
that was the fun part.
it looked funny. hehe. because behind us were the two grandchildren,
in a way, it looked like we, kids were playing, plucking as many leaves, literally bringing down the whole branch.
wait. hahah! i think i just confused you with the lining up sequence thingy.
chinese and their weird culture of 'PRIORITISING THE MALES', sigh.
here is how it is like;
Black - sons and daughters
Dark Blue - son's children
Light Blue - daughter's children
Green - son's son's children
it further separates between the 'wongs' and the 'non-wongs',
red ribbon for those who does not have the surname of 'wong' in their name.
and non for those who are 'wongs'.
surname-ist.
tsktstsk.
anyhow. we had 4 sessions of prayers yesterday.
started from 6pm all up til 12 midnight.
there were break intervals for us to have a breather.
no wonder i don't remember a thing about my grandfather's funeral.
i only remember walking all the way from my grandma's house all the way to the burial site.
pretty sure we gonna do that too.
my goodness. i'm seriously fretting the fact that i have no memory of my grandfather's funeral. gaaaahhhh
popo ah! rest in peace. =)
we all sayang you! <3
say hi to gonggong for me! =)
i'm not to sure if i'm actually allowed to post this up,
but i just needed to write something about it,
hopefully nothing paranormal would happen if i do. hehe
well. i'm left with about 4 to 5 days til my first paper, bio.
and it's my finals,
but i'm having my break now, but yeah. it's a study break but i'm thrown off of my routine of 'going to college to study til it's late and i'm satisfied with that i've studied for the day',
because,
my grandma had passed away.
i'm not sad.
but i do miss her.
she had been so strong all this while.
even that snake bite three years back did not kill her.
she was be bed-ridden for about one week, and we all thought it was time for her to go then already,
but nope, she was strong, too strong in fact, that she survived the poisonous snake bite to live until now.
but of course we didn't want to risk her getting another injury like that, so my aunts and uncles planned out some 'plan' where they took turns taking care of grandma.
owh. prior to that snake incident, she lived alone in her own home.
where she rears chickens and pigeons.
goodness know how much strength this old lady has,
she managed to move heavy objects around by herself, mending her chicken coop and the pigeon... wait. it's actually the pigeon's coop, because the chickens were free to walk around. HAHA
when i was younger, she had ducks. one super old duck which i remember walking about the house, slowly but he was walking around still. =)
i got that animal love thanks to both my auntie and grandma, actually.
i just realised it. HAHA
everytime i go back to my grandma's place, she'd give me one of her little chicks to play with.
play, but i didn't kill any of them.
it would break my heart if i do injure them in anyways.
but i remember them being too comfortable and they just shit on me.
HAHHAHA
good times.
and my grandma is SO CUTE!
her favourite would be KFC. HAHAHAHAHA
ironically, she rears them chicken, but she loves them chicken meat. =O
and!! we would travel to Seremban often when we do pay our grandma a visit,
going to Pizza Hut, calling pizzas, 'la-kia-si' also meant, spider web.
hahahahahaha.
she is so cute!!
and i would have to say, she was the only reason, everybody returned home to celebrate chinese new year together as a whole big family,
for her birthday falls on the 2nd day of chinese new year, which makes everything much more significant.
but due to family complicants, that, had failed for the past two to three years.
but within that three years, my grandma was able to spend more time with each of her children.
so i guess, she was satisfied already.
and i'm pretty sure she was choosing the right timing to go,
because everything seemed to have fall in the right time;
-my mom came back with her boyfriend,
-my sis came back for a transit to indonesia, so she managed to know what is happening somehow,
-my grandma's sister (or was it my grandpa's sister? hrm...) passed away not too long ago.
and i guess she didn't feel like it was necessary for her to further fight it anymore.
she's 88 years old.
somehow the chinese tradition made it a total of 91, as the death age,
and at the age of 91, it seems like some sort of celebration, because it isn't easy for old people to live that long anymore.
my grandma was awesome.
but she stil cute!
especially when she laughs.
=)
about ten years ago, my grandpa passed away.
i was too young to remember what exactly happened, but i know i was that little girl walking around, confused with what was happening.
so when the funeral was taking place this time for my grandma,
i was trying hard to remember what happened for my grandpa, because the memory i have of it was really vague.
=/
owh! i'm like the youngest cousin of the 'Wong' family.
and i still am as blur as usual from time to time. haha
what i didn't get was, the praying session.
it doesn't make any sense to me.
and it got me laughing several times.
and wait. i have issues with my surname. HAHAHA
i'm supposed to follow my father's surname, Ou, right?
but since young, my mom had always thought me how to write the 'Wong' as my surname in chinese.
So, when this happened, the praying session needed to annouce everybody's name, those of who are related to my grandma; the sons, the daughters, the in-laws, the grandchildrens and the greatgrandchildrens.
so when my name was mentioned, 'Wong Kah Sim'
it was really awkward. all my cousins looked back at me. HAHAHAHAHHA
i, myself was confused, my facial expression didn't even change when they all looked back at me, i just go O.o???
HAHAHAHAH
and their chants were as though they were randomly mentioning random names,
they even had a special tune for it,
and because the session was freaking long, i somehow decided to entertain myself by moving to the beat of the tune from time to time.
yes, it seems disrespectful.
but i am YOUNG! and long praying sessions like that could easily bore me to sleep. =/
there was this one session where it requires us to walk around the front compound of the house, pick up a coin and place it into a bowl, then pluck a leaf off a branch that was placed there, and placing the leaf into the box.
i forgotten how many rounds we walked, but as we were entering the 4th round, one of the 'praying people' told us "pluck more the better", well DUHH, my bro was infront of me and we just started plucking leaves like nobody's business.
that was the fun part.
it looked funny. hehe. because behind us were the two grandchildren,
in a way, it looked like we, kids were playing, plucking as many leaves, literally bringing down the whole branch.
wait. hahah! i think i just confused you with the lining up sequence thingy.
chinese and their weird culture of 'PRIORITISING THE MALES', sigh.
here is how it is like;
Black - sons and daughters
Dark Blue - son's children
Light Blue - daughter's children
Green - son's son's children
it further separates between the 'wongs' and the 'non-wongs',
red ribbon for those who does not have the surname of 'wong' in their name.
and non for those who are 'wongs'.
surname-ist.
tsktstsk.
anyhow. we had 4 sessions of prayers yesterday.
started from 6pm all up til 12 midnight.
there were break intervals for us to have a breather.
no wonder i don't remember a thing about my grandfather's funeral.
i only remember walking all the way from my grandma's house all the way to the burial site.
pretty sure we gonna do that too.
my goodness. i'm seriously fretting the fact that i have no memory of my grandfather's funeral. gaaaahhhh
popo ah! rest in peace. =)
we all sayang you! <3
say hi to gonggong for me! =)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
the moment i came home lst night, i immediately sat there in my room, typing this out.
but i had an internet breakdown at home, i saved it as an external drafts.
and now i am sitting in oldtown white coffee, taking advantage of it's free wifi, just to post this up.
this, is for you.
21st Oct, 11.17pm
That shirt made us look like we were some janitor, or some Petronas workers. But we wore them proud anyways. It was what made us significant, this year. How can we possible forget this AusMat shirt when we have such eye catching colour as our shit colour. LMAO. Walking around pyramid or ikea with a whole group of us wearing our AusMat shirt, made us feel like we were Petronas workers on a lunch break. HAHAHAHAHA. We awesome like that, yo. =)
Even so, we wore it proud. We flashed it in any way possible. HAHAHAHAHA
And then we have the discussion room, where it had somehow become our second home, aside from all the classrooms we had. We would practically swarm the room, as though it belongs to AusMat all by itself. Best memory? Haha. AusMat CS marathon in that computer room in the library. How could one possibly forget those days? And it was what? One week in during EE2? Hahahah! The whole flock of us will practically take over the whole room, start gaming CS against one another, cursing almost every second in between. Librarians came in to tell us not to play, threatening to take our student ids away… but we still went on playing… UNTIL THE DAY THAT THEY BLOCKED US FROM INSTALLING CS INTO THE COMPUTERS THERE! =( And so, we went back into studying mode… really?
Thinking back, shit! AusMat was only for ten months? Who said it was 11months in the first place ah?! Hahaha! Am I the only one who got tricked into getting to Ausmat? Claiming it to be the easiest pre-U course ever available, cheapest, and most worth it? Claiming that it would guarantee a place somewhere, somehow? Maybe I was over exaggerating it, but AusMat was probably nowhere near label, “Easiest Pre-U Course Ever Available”.
My apologies. It’s just me complaining on how tough AusMat was. =P It probably is the easiest, because we have yet to compare it with other pre-U courses. But as we went through the months, getting to know more about other courses, everybody seemed to be claiming that their courses are the hardest. Mind you, of course it is hard. It’s your one and only experience. Unless you have experienced all the different different pre-U courses available, then maybe you have the rights to say so. But as of now, na-uh.
First day of AusMat: “Oooohhh! So cool! So cool! Must study hard! Must study hard! Yeah! Assignment? AIYAK! Nehmind! Do!! Do!! Do properly and get good marks.”
First week of AusMat: “Wah! Subject very interesting! Okay! Can study! Can do it!”
First month of AusMat: “Woi. Parking like crap, jam like mad. Siennn! Oih? EXAM AH? SHITTT!”
First Evaluation Exam: “Huh? Why results so poor one? It’s okay, still got one more sem to cover up! Add oil!!”
One month before EE2: “SO MUCH TO COVER! HOW TO STUDY?!”
EE2: “I think I know how to do this! EYH?! CANNOT DO?! SHITTT!!!”
Return of EE2 results: “What on earth? Why am I scoring so low? What have I been doing? OKAY! MUST BUCK UP FOR MOCK!!!!”
Mock: “omg. Is this for real? GG.”
Mock results: “OH SHITT!!! CONFIRM GG LIAO! NOooooooooooooo~”
Last day of AusMat: T.T
Being in college is like being stuck in high school for 5 years. The only difference is that, everything within those 5 years of high school, is cramped into a short period of ten months.
Ten. Months.
Everything was happening so fast that I was literally thrown out of my own normality.
Friends. Studies. Classes. Daily routine.
It was practically messed up. =/
But looking at the bright side, despite how much that had happened, I learned so much more even though it was only within a short period of time. And I have nobody else to thank but you, each and every one of you who have stepped into my life for the past ten months. Each and every one of you, have taught me so much, that by mentioning it all, it would probably bore you until you’ll just stop here and search for something else more entertaining to do. Even by reading this, I thank you! For your support, for reading this, even though I may or may not know you, you took some of your precious time to come and pay by blog a visit; I thank you with a sincere heart of mine.
However so, I do wish to apologise.
Apologise if I have offended you in any way, (please do tell me if I do)
Apologise if I have caused misunderstandings in any way,
Apologise if I have been rude to you,
Apologise if I have not been listening to you,
Apologise for not appreciating things,
Apologise if I have annoyed you, with all my nonsense,
Apologise, for everything that I have done, to create that discomfort that you have on me.
I, apologise.
Okay. Now I would want to thank you! Thank you for being a part of my college life.
Thank you, for the memories we shared,
Thank you, for making an appearance in my life,
Thank you, for all those that you have thought me,
Thank you, for making me realise things that I have missed,
Thank you, for being patient with me up until today,
Thank you, for being who you are.
Really, thank you.
I saw a rainbow today. Yes, I am random and mad at times, but I have been yearning to catch a glimpse of a rainbow, for like ever. I remember the last time I saw a rainbow was at the very beginning of this year. And today, mr. Rainbow made an appearance again. It seems like it has some connection with AusMat or something. But I am thankful, that I manage to catch that glimpse of rainbow today. It was a good day today. This year, is something that I would definitely remember.
and not to mention the awesomest people i have met throughout the whole of AusMat!
beginning of the year, i had a different set of friends, and thank goodness, i managed to break out of my own shell and gotten to know more people, and also to know how awesome these people are. magnificent.
We could raid Ikea with the whole bunch of us, sitting there in the sofa area where it is blocked for the public for viewing, just to take a group photo.
We could raid the discussion room like nobody's business, until the librarian had to come and break us up,
We could raid almost any restaurants with us, one huge group of AusMat people, just to have a meal together,
We, simply did almost everything together.
i am glad that everything happened as it is,
i, have no regrets this year.
everything was in place,
everything was right,
everything, every moment, was an awesome one.
=)
thank you. all of you. it was really difficult for me to accept the fact that AusMat is over. but i guess there is nothing left to do, but to accept it as it is.
=')
good luck to all of you in the future,
keep it up with the awesomeness each and everyone of you have,
you, are special.
<3
but i had an internet breakdown at home, i saved it as an external drafts.
and now i am sitting in oldtown white coffee, taking advantage of it's free wifi, just to post this up.
this, is for you.
21st Oct, 11.17pm
That shirt made us look like we were some janitor, or some Petronas workers. But we wore them proud anyways. It was what made us significant, this year. How can we possible forget this AusMat shirt when we have such eye catching colour as our shit colour. LMAO. Walking around pyramid or ikea with a whole group of us wearing our AusMat shirt, made us feel like we were Petronas workers on a lunch break. HAHAHAHAHA. We awesome like that, yo. =)
Even so, we wore it proud. We flashed it in any way possible. HAHAHAHAHA
And then we have the discussion room, where it had somehow become our second home, aside from all the classrooms we had. We would practically swarm the room, as though it belongs to AusMat all by itself. Best memory? Haha. AusMat CS marathon in that computer room in the library. How could one possibly forget those days? And it was what? One week in during EE2? Hahahah! The whole flock of us will practically take over the whole room, start gaming CS against one another, cursing almost every second in between. Librarians came in to tell us not to play, threatening to take our student ids away… but we still went on playing… UNTIL THE DAY THAT THEY BLOCKED US FROM INSTALLING CS INTO THE COMPUTERS THERE! =( And so, we went back into studying mode… really?
Thinking back, shit! AusMat was only for ten months? Who said it was 11months in the first place ah?! Hahaha! Am I the only one who got tricked into getting to Ausmat? Claiming it to be the easiest pre-U course ever available, cheapest, and most worth it? Claiming that it would guarantee a place somewhere, somehow? Maybe I was over exaggerating it, but AusMat was probably nowhere near label, “Easiest Pre-U Course Ever Available”.
My apologies. It’s just me complaining on how tough AusMat was. =P It probably is the easiest, because we have yet to compare it with other pre-U courses. But as we went through the months, getting to know more about other courses, everybody seemed to be claiming that their courses are the hardest. Mind you, of course it is hard. It’s your one and only experience. Unless you have experienced all the different different pre-U courses available, then maybe you have the rights to say so. But as of now, na-uh.
First day of AusMat: “Oooohhh! So cool! So cool! Must study hard! Must study hard! Yeah! Assignment? AIYAK! Nehmind! Do!! Do!! Do properly and get good marks.”
First week of AusMat: “Wah! Subject very interesting! Okay! Can study! Can do it!”
First month of AusMat: “Woi. Parking like crap, jam like mad. Siennn! Oih? EXAM AH? SHITTT!”
First Evaluation Exam: “Huh? Why results so poor one? It’s okay, still got one more sem to cover up! Add oil!!”
One month before EE2: “SO MUCH TO COVER! HOW TO STUDY?!”
EE2: “I think I know how to do this! EYH?! CANNOT DO?! SHITTT!!!”
Return of EE2 results: “What on earth? Why am I scoring so low? What have I been doing? OKAY! MUST BUCK UP FOR MOCK!!!!”
Mock: “omg. Is this for real? GG.”
Mock results: “OH SHITT!!! CONFIRM GG LIAO! NOooooooooooooo~”
Last day of AusMat: T.T
Being in college is like being stuck in high school for 5 years. The only difference is that, everything within those 5 years of high school, is cramped into a short period of ten months.
Ten. Months.
Everything was happening so fast that I was literally thrown out of my own normality.
Friends. Studies. Classes. Daily routine.
It was practically messed up. =/
But looking at the bright side, despite how much that had happened, I learned so much more even though it was only within a short period of time. And I have nobody else to thank but you, each and every one of you who have stepped into my life for the past ten months. Each and every one of you, have taught me so much, that by mentioning it all, it would probably bore you until you’ll just stop here and search for something else more entertaining to do. Even by reading this, I thank you! For your support, for reading this, even though I may or may not know you, you took some of your precious time to come and pay by blog a visit; I thank you with a sincere heart of mine.
However so, I do wish to apologise.
Apologise if I have offended you in any way, (please do tell me if I do)
Apologise if I have caused misunderstandings in any way,
Apologise if I have been rude to you,
Apologise if I have not been listening to you,
Apologise for not appreciating things,
Apologise if I have annoyed you, with all my nonsense,
Apologise, for everything that I have done, to create that discomfort that you have on me.
I, apologise.
Okay. Now I would want to thank you! Thank you for being a part of my college life.
Thank you, for the memories we shared,
Thank you, for making an appearance in my life,
Thank you, for all those that you have thought me,
Thank you, for making me realise things that I have missed,
Thank you, for being patient with me up until today,
Thank you, for being who you are.
Really, thank you.
I saw a rainbow today. Yes, I am random and mad at times, but I have been yearning to catch a glimpse of a rainbow, for like ever. I remember the last time I saw a rainbow was at the very beginning of this year. And today, mr. Rainbow made an appearance again. It seems like it has some connection with AusMat or something. But I am thankful, that I manage to catch that glimpse of rainbow today. It was a good day today. This year, is something that I would definitely remember.
and not to mention the awesomest people i have met throughout the whole of AusMat!
beginning of the year, i had a different set of friends, and thank goodness, i managed to break out of my own shell and gotten to know more people, and also to know how awesome these people are. magnificent.
We could raid Ikea with the whole bunch of us, sitting there in the sofa area where it is blocked for the public for viewing, just to take a group photo.
We could raid the discussion room like nobody's business, until the librarian had to come and break us up,
We could raid almost any restaurants with us, one huge group of AusMat people, just to have a meal together,
We, simply did almost everything together.
i am glad that everything happened as it is,
i, have no regrets this year.
everything was in place,
everything was right,
everything, every moment, was an awesome one.
=)
thank you. all of you. it was really difficult for me to accept the fact that AusMat is over. but i guess there is nothing left to do, but to accept it as it is.
=')
good luck to all of you in the future,
keep it up with the awesomeness each and everyone of you have,
you, are special.
<3
Thursday, October 20, 2011
i believe there is a reason to everything.
as a person, a plain human, living on the surface of the earth,
you and i, we learn to accept that fact, and make the best out of everything.
but because not every reasons are best not to be revealed,
many of us still live in the shadows.
we would might as well not know the absolute truth that we were all been looking for.
we have no proof for sure if a particular statement is entirely true or false.
yes, we learn. but it had always been a choice for us to believe or not to.
when we choose to believe what was being told, we, will flip if we do find out the real truth behind it all. in a way, it evokes the side of us who wants to know more until we are satisfied with what we want to hear.
when we choose not to believe, we would still be questioning. just in some ways which is...
... I CAN'T GET ON WITH THIS!!
i just don't trust humans.
they could've just brainwashed me in anyway possible, believing in whatever that they claim to be true.
goodness knows why lying was brought upon to civilization in the first.
sigh...
as a person, a plain human, living on the surface of the earth,
you and i, we learn to accept that fact, and make the best out of everything.
but because not every reasons are best not to be revealed,
many of us still live in the shadows.
we would might as well not know the absolute truth that we were all been looking for.
we have no proof for sure if a particular statement is entirely true or false.
yes, we learn. but it had always been a choice for us to believe or not to.
when we choose to believe what was being told, we, will flip if we do find out the real truth behind it all. in a way, it evokes the side of us who wants to know more until we are satisfied with what we want to hear.
when we choose not to believe, we would still be questioning. just in some ways which is...
... I CAN'T GET ON WITH THIS!!
i just don't trust humans.
they could've just brainwashed me in anyway possible, believing in whatever that they claim to be true.
goodness knows why lying was brought upon to civilization in the first.
sigh...
that was weird somehow.
it felt like i was talking to myself.
the whole time.
i don't know why. but i just babbled on.
it's funny how he wants to talk, but he is restricting himself.
so i continued talking, hoping it wouldnt be awkward.
well. it wasn't awkward.
it was just rather quiet.
i know he has so much to say, but he just didn't know who to say it.
=(
and i have my reasons to why i am in such a mind.
because i see the benefit in everything else with my absence
and it has made me want to help people even more
but as i said, i have my limits
at one point, i just felt so tired of helping people, that i decided that i want to reach out to those like animals and children where they are exploited and are unable to have their own stand.
they mean so much more to me, because they are never bothered.
people are so absorbed into themselves that they chose to keep that thought as they are the superior ones over those who can't speak up for themselves.
for i know, it is difficult to change a human, thus i don't see why should we help them when they themselves aren't willing to help themselves.
yes. i have learnt to be selfish.
what i have seen throughout my 18 years alive, has given me that mindset.
everybody have their own perspective in lives,
for those who have succeeded to climb out of the dark, into the sunlight,
they will share their thoughts and experiences as well as conclusions.
for those who have seen the downside of life and have a positive thought out of it,
they will tell the world what it really is on the otherside.
everybody seems to be fighting, saying that their theory is right
everybody is protecting their own pride in what they have found
everybody wants to be right.
i... have to stop and listen.
it felt like i was talking to myself.
the whole time.
i don't know why. but i just babbled on.
it's funny how he wants to talk, but he is restricting himself.
so i continued talking, hoping it wouldnt be awkward.
well. it wasn't awkward.
it was just rather quiet.
i know he has so much to say, but he just didn't know who to say it.
=(
and i have my reasons to why i am in such a mind.
because i see the benefit in everything else with my absence
and it has made me want to help people even more
but as i said, i have my limits
at one point, i just felt so tired of helping people, that i decided that i want to reach out to those like animals and children where they are exploited and are unable to have their own stand.
they mean so much more to me, because they are never bothered.
people are so absorbed into themselves that they chose to keep that thought as they are the superior ones over those who can't speak up for themselves.
for i know, it is difficult to change a human, thus i don't see why should we help them when they themselves aren't willing to help themselves.
yes. i have learnt to be selfish.
what i have seen throughout my 18 years alive, has given me that mindset.
everybody have their own perspective in lives,
for those who have succeeded to climb out of the dark, into the sunlight,
they will share their thoughts and experiences as well as conclusions.
for those who have seen the downside of life and have a positive thought out of it,
they will tell the world what it really is on the otherside.
everybody seems to be fighting, saying that their theory is right
everybody is protecting their own pride in what they have found
everybody wants to be right.
i... have to stop and listen.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
i just felt like posting something today.
i can't sleep.
nobody to blame, it's just me being hyped thanks to the release of SNSD's 3rd album.
what bothers me is how much effort SM is putting in on SNSD compared to other artists under it's belt. nowonder HanKyung left. =/
anyways, let's just say, i'm a huge fan of SNSD.
infact, the word 'huge' itself is an UNDERSTATEMENT!
i have a history with SNSD. =P
they were the first Kpop artist whom i actually liked.
and thanks to them, i ventured further into the Kpop industry, going gaga over other Kpop artists as well, until today.
in fact, i would actually chase Kpop more than the mainstream english songs.
but then again, there is a down factor in Kpop; their vocals aren't as strong as the westerners.
one up point that Kpop have, however, would be their dancing.
it somehow grew, and seemed to be growing still, which is good, because Kpop today, is like some viral, attacking every corner of the world, exception to North Korea that is.
let's start with how i got into this Kpop fandom-kingdom.
i just shifted school and i had to let go of a newfound passion; cheerleading.
and since i can't get myself into anything related to cheerleading anymore, the closest to cheerleading would be dancing.
this was about 2007.
i was paying a visit to my friends from my previous school and was wondering why were they so hyped up about some people singing and dancing to some foreign language.
it get me thinking, "what on earth? korean? you understand anything meyh?".
but then they showed me SNSD.
by then they already had 'Into The New World' and 'Girls' Generation' (a self titled single, haha!) and my friends were all excited about the release of the latest single, 'Kissing You'.
i initially thought, "woi! why you all screaming and saying; "omgomg! she's so cute!" when she's a girl and you're a girl?!".
but what caught my attention was their dancing.
not much of the singing, but the dancing.
i immediately went home and begin learning the dance to 'Into The New World'.
and poof. my love for both SNSD and Kpop was ignited!
ever since, every single time SNSD releases a new song, i would be hogging the computer and learning the dance.
not only SNSD. if i come across any cool or adorable dances that catches my attention within that Kpop industry, i WILL learn!
little did i know, the whole world seem to be drowned by the hallyu wave now.
and i am sad to say, sometimes i am embarrassed to be a fan when i see a fan who says; "i'm a big fan of SNSD!" or any other groups, and starts dancing and singing to it.
what embarrasses me is that, they think they are good at what they're doing.
it makes me cringe when they claim that they are the biggest fan of a certaincertain kpop artist.
it'll make me go, "oh, really?"
because i, myself am not considered 'the biggest fan'.
in fact, there is no such thing as 'the biggest fan', because if you love your artist, okay, NOBODY NEEDS TO COMPARE WITH YOU!
because, there is not way that love can be measured, right? ;)
and i also find it really hard for me to follow when these kpop artist begins to venture to different countries, like Japan and the States.
for example, we have Wonder Girls.
dear earthlings, the song 'Nobody' was released in the year 2008.
and now, it's already 2011, can you people PLEASE STOP SINGING IT?!
you people are only singing it now, because JYP was the smart guy who made Wonder Girls venture into the States.
i initially liked Wonder Girls too. but they ventured into foreign market and had never come back to the Kpop scene but had that intention of making the song, 'Nobody' recognised worldwide, was pure bullcrap to me.
owh wait. they came back last year. with the song, "Two Different Tears".
They only promoted it for a short time and left the scene again.
apparently, they were REALLY BUSY in the States.
as of now, i no longer like Wonder Girls.
SNSD did venture into the Jpop scene.
which got me quite upset in a way.
but thank goodness my loyalty did not disappear. HAHA!
because eventhough they were in Japan, they were still considerably active in the Kpop scene - korean version of 'Mr. Taxi'.
that was about it during their Japan promotion.
and now, we have SNSD coming back to the Kpop scene with 'The Boys'.
not only that, they even produced and english version of the song.
in a way, it is making SNSD venture into the international market, as in 'finding a way to penetrate' into the States' market.
=D
i'm pretty sure they are going really BIG this time.
haha!
i can rest in peace, the album is in korean!
but i guess if they go venture to the states, i'll follow them still.
Kpop itself is a topic 'too-big' to talk about.
i would need to be given a specific topic about kpop in order to talk about it.
otherwise, i will definitely get myself confused. =P
p/s: i have almost all of SNSD's albums.
also a big fan of Super Junior, but ultimately, it would still be SNSD. =)
please do go check out their new MV in english, 'The Boys'. ;D
i can't sleep.
nobody to blame, it's just me being hyped thanks to the release of SNSD's 3rd album.
what bothers me is how much effort SM is putting in on SNSD compared to other artists under it's belt. nowonder HanKyung left. =/
anyways, let's just say, i'm a huge fan of SNSD.
infact, the word 'huge' itself is an UNDERSTATEMENT!
i have a history with SNSD. =P
they were the first Kpop artist whom i actually liked.
and thanks to them, i ventured further into the Kpop industry, going gaga over other Kpop artists as well, until today.
in fact, i would actually chase Kpop more than the mainstream english songs.
but then again, there is a down factor in Kpop; their vocals aren't as strong as the westerners.
one up point that Kpop have, however, would be their dancing.
it somehow grew, and seemed to be growing still, which is good, because Kpop today, is like some viral, attacking every corner of the world, exception to North Korea that is.
let's start with how i got into this Kpop fandom-kingdom.
i just shifted school and i had to let go of a newfound passion; cheerleading.
and since i can't get myself into anything related to cheerleading anymore, the closest to cheerleading would be dancing.
this was about 2007.
i was paying a visit to my friends from my previous school and was wondering why were they so hyped up about some people singing and dancing to some foreign language.
it get me thinking, "what on earth? korean? you understand anything meyh?".
but then they showed me SNSD.
by then they already had 'Into The New World' and 'Girls' Generation' (a self titled single, haha!) and my friends were all excited about the release of the latest single, 'Kissing You'.
i initially thought, "woi! why you all screaming and saying; "omgomg! she's so cute!" when she's a girl and you're a girl?!".
but what caught my attention was their dancing.
not much of the singing, but the dancing.
i immediately went home and begin learning the dance to 'Into The New World'.
and poof. my love for both SNSD and Kpop was ignited!
ever since, every single time SNSD releases a new song, i would be hogging the computer and learning the dance.
not only SNSD. if i come across any cool or adorable dances that catches my attention within that Kpop industry, i WILL learn!
little did i know, the whole world seem to be drowned by the hallyu wave now.
and i am sad to say, sometimes i am embarrassed to be a fan when i see a fan who says; "i'm a big fan of SNSD!" or any other groups, and starts dancing and singing to it.
what embarrasses me is that, they think they are good at what they're doing.
it makes me cringe when they claim that they are the biggest fan of a certaincertain kpop artist.
it'll make me go, "oh, really?"
because i, myself am not considered 'the biggest fan'.
in fact, there is no such thing as 'the biggest fan', because if you love your artist, okay, NOBODY NEEDS TO COMPARE WITH YOU!
because, there is not way that love can be measured, right? ;)
and i also find it really hard for me to follow when these kpop artist begins to venture to different countries, like Japan and the States.
for example, we have Wonder Girls.
dear earthlings, the song 'Nobody' was released in the year 2008.
and now, it's already 2011, can you people PLEASE STOP SINGING IT?!
you people are only singing it now, because JYP was the smart guy who made Wonder Girls venture into the States.
i initially liked Wonder Girls too. but they ventured into foreign market and had never come back to the Kpop scene but had that intention of making the song, 'Nobody' recognised worldwide, was pure bullcrap to me.
owh wait. they came back last year. with the song, "Two Different Tears".
They only promoted it for a short time and left the scene again.
apparently, they were REALLY BUSY in the States.
as of now, i no longer like Wonder Girls.
SNSD did venture into the Jpop scene.
which got me quite upset in a way.
but thank goodness my loyalty did not disappear. HAHA!
because eventhough they were in Japan, they were still considerably active in the Kpop scene - korean version of 'Mr. Taxi'.
that was about it during their Japan promotion.
and now, we have SNSD coming back to the Kpop scene with 'The Boys'.
not only that, they even produced and english version of the song.
in a way, it is making SNSD venture into the international market, as in 'finding a way to penetrate' into the States' market.
=D
i'm pretty sure they are going really BIG this time.
haha!
i can rest in peace, the album is in korean!
but i guess if they go venture to the states, i'll follow them still.
Kpop itself is a topic 'too-big' to talk about.
i would need to be given a specific topic about kpop in order to talk about it.
otherwise, i will definitely get myself confused. =P
p/s: i have almost all of SNSD's albums.
also a big fan of Super Junior, but ultimately, it would still be SNSD. =)
please do go check out their new MV in english, 'The Boys'. ;D
i'm down to just three days of college left.
with no choice, i have to leave this as it is.
with a heavy heart, with a happy smile, i will leave this at it is.
this year, i have learned a lot.
i've learn to listen to myself sing,
i've learn to take credit for myself,
i've learn to appreciate myself a little more than i normally would,
i've learn to grow,
i've learn to learn,
i've learn to understand things better,
i've learn that not everyone will remain forever,
i've learn not to take promises fullheartedly,
i've learn that studying is important,
i've learn that driving is a dangerous thing to do almost everyday,
i've learn to accept things, the hard way, with tons of complains.
i've learn that people actually do care,
i've learn that playing and studying at the same time is actually okay, provided that you did study beforehand,
i've learn that the rainbow never comes when i wants it to appear. T.T
i've learn to be a mother,
i've learn to game,
i've learn to be more outspoken,
i've learn to me more of myself.
the list can just go on and on.
let's just leave it as it is.
otherwise i might start going all emotional over it.
haha!
=)
with no choice, i have to leave this as it is.
with a heavy heart, with a happy smile, i will leave this at it is.
this year, i have learned a lot.
i've learn to listen to myself sing,
i've learn to take credit for myself,
i've learn to appreciate myself a little more than i normally would,
i've learn to grow,
i've learn to learn,
i've learn to understand things better,
i've learn that not everyone will remain forever,
i've learn not to take promises fullheartedly,
i've learn that studying is important,
i've learn that driving is a dangerous thing to do almost everyday,
i've learn to accept things, the hard way, with tons of complains.
i've learn that people actually do care,
i've learn that playing and studying at the same time is actually okay, provided that you did study beforehand,
i've learn that the rainbow never comes when i wants it to appear. T.T
i've learn to be a mother,
i've learn to game,
i've learn to be more outspoken,
i've learn to me more of myself.
the list can just go on and on.
let's just leave it as it is.
otherwise i might start going all emotional over it.
haha!
=)
Sunday, October 16, 2011
family day.
we used to have that.
back when i was still in primary school.
and then my bro and sis were still in high school.
but as i grew, they grew too.
as time went by, they went to universities, and the tradition stopped there.
and now, it's just me eating at home with my uncle and auntie.
i would follow my aunt to pick up my sis and bro from school when i was still preschooling.
i would follow her and sit in the car and stone in her,
gets excited when i see people starting to flood out of the school gate,
getting even more excited when i see that face i was searching for amongst the crowd and go "there! there! come already!!"
haha. =)
and if i had the chance to, i would go out to those 'very-smart-conmen-vendor-who-always-waits-at-the-front-of-the-school-to-wait-for-people-to-be-conned' and spend a few bucks for the sake of buying something.
awh.
i really am being nostalgic here.
i wonder why.
but anyhow, i shall continue.
then we would drive home, and my auntie will continue with her cooking.
she would cook awesome food, filling and yummy for everybody to eat.
during the weekends,
we would all go out for dinner together,
back then, for me to pick a dish would be a forbidden thing.
but it was nice.
everybody would sit together, wait for the food to be served, eat together, leave together.
the time for the family to bond.
and then there were certain days where we would go out to shopping malls to do shopping, or just doing window shopping.
ahk.
i can't go on with that nostalgic part.
=/
because i appreciated nothing back then.
now that i no longer have that, i do have tons of things that i do miss.
one, for instance would be the family dinner that we normall had.
this one, i missed the most.
in comparison with the times where i was pretty much forbidden to do orderings,
now it is me, asking them to go out for dinner together, and me doing certain orderings.
the only reason to why this had change, was due to my bro and sis being working adults, and having their own lives now.
it is also hard to go out shopping now,
i would practically have to drag my aunt just to get her out of the house now.
=/
i really do miss those days.
and now, i would really be happy if my bro and sis do come home, and bring both my aunt and uncle out for a proper dinner.
best part, i get to order too!
but this is really rare.
my sis is all the way down there in australia, and bro is always MIA.
=(
even now, my aunt doesn't really bother cooking proper food anymore.
thanks to me bro who is always MIA.
that, in turn made me not want to come home to eat too,
feeling like it would be troublesome for my auntie to think what to cook for the 3 of us, her, my uncle and i.
and then i remember we used to cramp up the car just to do some travellings!
to cameron, to genting, to fraser's, to ipoh.
dang
i really miss those days.
=(
and now, i don't even spend as much time at home as i used to already.
all i do is come home, and stone in my room, sleep, and then leave.
i do feel bad for what i'm doing.
but...
things are pushing me away.
but what pulls me back is still my auntie.
i worry for my auntie.
i do.
=/
we used to have that.
back when i was still in primary school.
and then my bro and sis were still in high school.
but as i grew, they grew too.
as time went by, they went to universities, and the tradition stopped there.
and now, it's just me eating at home with my uncle and auntie.
i would follow my aunt to pick up my sis and bro from school when i was still preschooling.
i would follow her and sit in the car and stone in her,
gets excited when i see people starting to flood out of the school gate,
getting even more excited when i see that face i was searching for amongst the crowd and go "there! there! come already!!"
haha. =)
and if i had the chance to, i would go out to those 'very-smart-conmen-vendor-who-always-waits-at-the-front-of-the-school-to-wait-for-people-to-be-conned' and spend a few bucks for the sake of buying something.
awh.
i really am being nostalgic here.
i wonder why.
but anyhow, i shall continue.
then we would drive home, and my auntie will continue with her cooking.
she would cook awesome food, filling and yummy for everybody to eat.
during the weekends,
we would all go out for dinner together,
back then, for me to pick a dish would be a forbidden thing.
but it was nice.
everybody would sit together, wait for the food to be served, eat together, leave together.
the time for the family to bond.
and then there were certain days where we would go out to shopping malls to do shopping, or just doing window shopping.
ahk.
i can't go on with that nostalgic part.
=/
because i appreciated nothing back then.
now that i no longer have that, i do have tons of things that i do miss.
one, for instance would be the family dinner that we normall had.
this one, i missed the most.
in comparison with the times where i was pretty much forbidden to do orderings,
now it is me, asking them to go out for dinner together, and me doing certain orderings.
the only reason to why this had change, was due to my bro and sis being working adults, and having their own lives now.
it is also hard to go out shopping now,
i would practically have to drag my aunt just to get her out of the house now.
=/
i really do miss those days.
and now, i would really be happy if my bro and sis do come home, and bring both my aunt and uncle out for a proper dinner.
best part, i get to order too!
but this is really rare.
my sis is all the way down there in australia, and bro is always MIA.
=(
even now, my aunt doesn't really bother cooking proper food anymore.
thanks to me bro who is always MIA.
that, in turn made me not want to come home to eat too,
feeling like it would be troublesome for my auntie to think what to cook for the 3 of us, her, my uncle and i.
and then i remember we used to cramp up the car just to do some travellings!
to cameron, to genting, to fraser's, to ipoh.
dang
i really miss those days.
=(
and now, i don't even spend as much time at home as i used to already.
all i do is come home, and stone in my room, sleep, and then leave.
i do feel bad for what i'm doing.
but...
things are pushing me away.
but what pulls me back is still my auntie.
i worry for my auntie.
i do.
=/
humans today, have rights to voice out their opinions,
it only depends on whether they are aware of such rights or otherwise.
i, do know about these rights,
and thus, i, will voice out my opinion on what i believe in.
i, do not believe in the existence of god.
there are reasons to why i have chosen to be a partial atheist.
it is risky in today's world to be an atheist,
but i choose not to lie, i am posting it here, telling the world that i am an atheist.
i have given much thoughts about my decisions on why i chose not to believe in the existence of god.
the main reason is simply because i did not want to depend on a particular 'thing'.
i'm not underestimating the power 'he' has, but yes.
the fact that i just mentioned the previous sentence might actually cross out the whole thought of atheism,
but mind you, i said, i CHOSE.
when i was much younger, mummy would bring me to temples whenever she could.
that includes travelling all the way to KL, up that drastically slopy hill to reach a temple called 'tien hou gong'.
not only that, we have this praying thingy at home, where we can choose to sit there infront of the 'miniature god figurines' and pray to them.
normally it happens on special occassions only; chinese new year, wesak day, etc, etc.
we too would go to the temples during wesak days to get blessings and such.
in fact, until today, we would still go to temples on special occassions to have prayers.
like i mentioned earlier, it was me who chose to be an atheist.
i could not see why it was necessary to depend on 'god' for a better life.
your life is based on your own decisions and how you handle them,
if god were to be always there for you, then why is it that each and every human being have difficulties in life?
shouldn't it be that humans would have a much blessed life with much less matters to be stressed over?
true, i may be asking such questions where it provokes people to think, "well, you can't expect god to always be there for you. if that is true, how will you ever learn?"
and because this question will occur, i decided to be safer, to depend on myself instead of god.
"so... you do believe in the existence of God! so you are NOT an atheist!!"
not until you can proof to me that god really does exist.
besides, if i do depend on god for everything, i would definitely blame Him more than i would've blamed myself.
* i'm only saying. please don't take it as though i am thrashing anybody or anything, i mean no harm, just merely describing my thoughts. =X *
another issue is that i am also a partial Free-Thinker.
now you're wondering how is it possible for me to be both at the same time.
well, it's simply because what others preach, lifts the curiosity side of me to the surface.
others really meant, other religions.
i'm being really racists by firstly mentioning how biased our lovely country could get when it comes down to this.
just as i was driving with a bad mood on a rainy morning,
saw a car sticker that said "sokong islam, anda selamat."
that sentence really irked me inside out, but i had no choice, i could not just tell them off, right into their faces.
wait. even when such dramas happening almost everyday, i am still curious about all the religions that exists in the world today.
i am curious and it caused me wanting to learn more about other religions out there.
wanting to learn more on what they beleive in,
wanting to understand why they believe so,
wanting to see how much 'god exists' is true.
LOL.
quite worried that this post might end up controversial.
let's backtrack a little, shall we?
as we all know, back in secondary school, we learnt about the early civilizations and how they blossomed to be an empire on it's own,
we saw that the pioneers, believed in almost everything that benefitted them.
maybe not with the benefitting part,
but they were so amazed by what was happening around them that they chose to worship them all.
we have them worshipping the trees, the sky, the land, even the lifestocks.
sounds pretty much bizarre in comparison with today,
but it also seemed that life was pretty much simple back then
you see a tree that bore fruits, that were edible, that could satisfy you tummy's grumbles, you praise them.
you see the sky, raining, providing you with water, that you crops would grow happily, and then you have water for your own use, you praise it.
you see a cow, giving you milk, or maybe a form of poultry when you are absolutely hungry and that you have mastered the barbeque-ing technique, you praise it.
it was easy to feel like you were blessed back then.
owh, and this what what we called animism.
and somehow today, from that single believe,
it has evolved into... millions of religions all over the world.
which tends to be quite confusing and complicated.
we even have a religion formed by david beckham it seems.
i may be wrong with that one. AHAHAHAHAHHAHA. i only heard of it, got me interested, so it stayed there in my head until today. =P
but yes, i was trying to say that there are so many believes out there today.
it got me extremely confused.
one reason i guess is because of their beliefs towards god.
one religions worships several gods, one religion worships no god, one religion worships one god, two religions seem to be praying to the same god.
yeah
see where the confusion comes from?
exactly!
and then there was this factor when i was in primary school.
i had no clue there were so many religions out there.
i only thought everybody was the same, praying to the same on god.
but i didn't understand the part where they had to split all of us up when it comes to this specific class, 'agama/moral'.
i remember me standing outside the class, lining up, getting ready to go to our 'moral' class, while the 'agama' class was taking place in my own class.
they keep doing that same prayer everytime they begin their class, which then got me even memorising what they said.
if i'm not mistaken, it's alfatihah? some eating prayers? i'm not too sure.
but i remember the content pretty well.
BECAUSE! it had a very intriguing tune to it that it managed to catch my attention, and that i even remember it until today.
you see! racism.
and because we had to split like that, i was then exposed to the fact that there are other religions out there.
if we don't put a religion in our religion column in forms given to us to be filled,
it would be questioned.
as a matter of fact, we don't even know what was it for, and we only followed what was being told by parents or teachers.
well, obviuosly i wrote 'buddhist'.
owh! not to forget, when i was in primary school and secodary school,
i have no idea why, but it seems like a forbidden thing to change religions.
i got invited to several christian events,
and i have never once converted myself into a christian,
but i know every single time i go, i'll leave the place with a mild giddy-ness in my head.
if i do tell my aunt that i am going for church events, the first thing she would say, "why? you want to convert to a christian ah?"
there, it sounded like i was forbidden to change my own religion, right?
thus, the mentality somehow lived in me up till today.
then when we had to learn about the origins of islam in our high school,
it evoked the racist part of me.
if you can talk so much about islam, why not talk about the buddhist and christianity and such?
owh, they did.
but it was only like one page for the religions that are NOT islam.
tracing back to the buddhist part,
i am not to be considered a buddhist.
because this family i live with prays to 'guan yin'; one of the many god in the chinese line.
if i am a buddhist, a pure one, i am actually forbidden to eat beef.
i, on the other hand, was never exposed to such rule, i just ate beef from the day i was born... literally.
i remember once that i was eating cheeseburger infront of that praying table with the 'guan yin ' facing me,
i can't really remember what exactly happened, but it got me a tad bit disturbed after i knew that i wasn't supposed to eat meat, because i pray to that specific god.
and i was so confused when i go temples, i see everybody praying too all the gods available in that temple.
and well of course, i dumbly followed.
even then, i didn't know what i was praying for.
until today.
it felt wrong for me to ask for things, especially from god.
so i never really asked for anything.
in the event that i do pray, i only pray for two things;
1. protecting all my family members, close and dear or whoever that is related to me in anyways.
2. asking to attain good results.
until today, i still don't know what i am doing.
as i grew older, i learnt that it was okay to be religionless.
provided that you know how to rationalise things and not be like those dumb bastards who claim that they are of a certain religion, but does not behave according to that specific religion.
my sister is a free-thinker.
my bro is a buddhist.
my aunt... i'm not sure.
my uncle is a pure buddhist.
my mom is also a buddhist.
i, am a cross between atheist and freethinker.
boo you. =P
it only depends on whether they are aware of such rights or otherwise.
i, do know about these rights,
and thus, i, will voice out my opinion on what i believe in.
i, do not believe in the existence of god.
there are reasons to why i have chosen to be a partial atheist.
it is risky in today's world to be an atheist,
but i choose not to lie, i am posting it here, telling the world that i am an atheist.
i have given much thoughts about my decisions on why i chose not to believe in the existence of god.
the main reason is simply because i did not want to depend on a particular 'thing'.
i'm not underestimating the power 'he' has, but yes.
the fact that i just mentioned the previous sentence might actually cross out the whole thought of atheism,
but mind you, i said, i CHOSE.
when i was much younger, mummy would bring me to temples whenever she could.
that includes travelling all the way to KL, up that drastically slopy hill to reach a temple called 'tien hou gong'.
not only that, we have this praying thingy at home, where we can choose to sit there infront of the 'miniature god figurines' and pray to them.
normally it happens on special occassions only; chinese new year, wesak day, etc, etc.
we too would go to the temples during wesak days to get blessings and such.
in fact, until today, we would still go to temples on special occassions to have prayers.
like i mentioned earlier, it was me who chose to be an atheist.
i could not see why it was necessary to depend on 'god' for a better life.
your life is based on your own decisions and how you handle them,
if god were to be always there for you, then why is it that each and every human being have difficulties in life?
shouldn't it be that humans would have a much blessed life with much less matters to be stressed over?
true, i may be asking such questions where it provokes people to think, "well, you can't expect god to always be there for you. if that is true, how will you ever learn?"
and because this question will occur, i decided to be safer, to depend on myself instead of god.
"so... you do believe in the existence of God! so you are NOT an atheist!!"
not until you can proof to me that god really does exist.
besides, if i do depend on god for everything, i would definitely blame Him more than i would've blamed myself.
* i'm only saying. please don't take it as though i am thrashing anybody or anything, i mean no harm, just merely describing my thoughts. =X *
another issue is that i am also a partial Free-Thinker.
now you're wondering how is it possible for me to be both at the same time.
well, it's simply because what others preach, lifts the curiosity side of me to the surface.
others really meant, other religions.
i'm being really racists by firstly mentioning how biased our lovely country could get when it comes down to this.
just as i was driving with a bad mood on a rainy morning,
saw a car sticker that said "sokong islam, anda selamat."
that sentence really irked me inside out, but i had no choice, i could not just tell them off, right into their faces.
wait. even when such dramas happening almost everyday, i am still curious about all the religions that exists in the world today.
i am curious and it caused me wanting to learn more about other religions out there.
wanting to learn more on what they beleive in,
wanting to understand why they believe so,
wanting to see how much 'god exists' is true.
LOL.
quite worried that this post might end up controversial.
let's backtrack a little, shall we?
as we all know, back in secondary school, we learnt about the early civilizations and how they blossomed to be an empire on it's own,
we saw that the pioneers, believed in almost everything that benefitted them.
maybe not with the benefitting part,
but they were so amazed by what was happening around them that they chose to worship them all.
we have them worshipping the trees, the sky, the land, even the lifestocks.
sounds pretty much bizarre in comparison with today,
but it also seemed that life was pretty much simple back then
you see a tree that bore fruits, that were edible, that could satisfy you tummy's grumbles, you praise them.
you see the sky, raining, providing you with water, that you crops would grow happily, and then you have water for your own use, you praise it.
you see a cow, giving you milk, or maybe a form of poultry when you are absolutely hungry and that you have mastered the barbeque-ing technique, you praise it.
it was easy to feel like you were blessed back then.
owh, and this what what we called animism.
and somehow today, from that single believe,
it has evolved into... millions of religions all over the world.
which tends to be quite confusing and complicated.
we even have a religion formed by david beckham it seems.
i may be wrong with that one. AHAHAHAHAHHAHA. i only heard of it, got me interested, so it stayed there in my head until today. =P
but yes, i was trying to say that there are so many believes out there today.
it got me extremely confused.
one reason i guess is because of their beliefs towards god.
one religions worships several gods, one religion worships no god, one religion worships one god, two religions seem to be praying to the same god.
yeah
see where the confusion comes from?
exactly!
and then there was this factor when i was in primary school.
i had no clue there were so many religions out there.
i only thought everybody was the same, praying to the same on god.
but i didn't understand the part where they had to split all of us up when it comes to this specific class, 'agama/moral'.
i remember me standing outside the class, lining up, getting ready to go to our 'moral' class, while the 'agama' class was taking place in my own class.
they keep doing that same prayer everytime they begin their class, which then got me even memorising what they said.
if i'm not mistaken, it's alfatihah? some eating prayers? i'm not too sure.
but i remember the content pretty well.
BECAUSE! it had a very intriguing tune to it that it managed to catch my attention, and that i even remember it until today.
you see! racism.
and because we had to split like that, i was then exposed to the fact that there are other religions out there.
if we don't put a religion in our religion column in forms given to us to be filled,
it would be questioned.
as a matter of fact, we don't even know what was it for, and we only followed what was being told by parents or teachers.
well, obviuosly i wrote 'buddhist'.
owh! not to forget, when i was in primary school and secodary school,
i have no idea why, but it seems like a forbidden thing to change religions.
i got invited to several christian events,
and i have never once converted myself into a christian,
but i know every single time i go, i'll leave the place with a mild giddy-ness in my head.
if i do tell my aunt that i am going for church events, the first thing she would say, "why? you want to convert to a christian ah?"
there, it sounded like i was forbidden to change my own religion, right?
thus, the mentality somehow lived in me up till today.
then when we had to learn about the origins of islam in our high school,
it evoked the racist part of me.
if you can talk so much about islam, why not talk about the buddhist and christianity and such?
owh, they did.
but it was only like one page for the religions that are NOT islam.
tracing back to the buddhist part,
i am not to be considered a buddhist.
because this family i live with prays to 'guan yin'; one of the many god in the chinese line.
if i am a buddhist, a pure one, i am actually forbidden to eat beef.
i, on the other hand, was never exposed to such rule, i just ate beef from the day i was born... literally.
i remember once that i was eating cheeseburger infront of that praying table with the 'guan yin ' facing me,
i can't really remember what exactly happened, but it got me a tad bit disturbed after i knew that i wasn't supposed to eat meat, because i pray to that specific god.
and i was so confused when i go temples, i see everybody praying too all the gods available in that temple.
and well of course, i dumbly followed.
even then, i didn't know what i was praying for.
until today.
it felt wrong for me to ask for things, especially from god.
so i never really asked for anything.
in the event that i do pray, i only pray for two things;
1. protecting all my family members, close and dear or whoever that is related to me in anyways.
2. asking to attain good results.
until today, i still don't know what i am doing.
as i grew older, i learnt that it was okay to be religionless.
provided that you know how to rationalise things and not be like those dumb bastards who claim that they are of a certain religion, but does not behave according to that specific religion.
my sister is a free-thinker.
my bro is a buddhist.
my aunt... i'm not sure.
my uncle is a pure buddhist.
my mom is also a buddhist.
i, am a cross between atheist and freethinker.
boo you. =P
it was a late drive home.
as i was reaching the end of a road with a sharp bend,
wanting to keep to my lane,
i saw a dog sitting there in the middle of the road,
swerved to the middle lane.
was afraid that it would get hit by other vehicles with wreckless driving skills,
elapsed into the thought that it was actually injured, otherwise why would it just sit there in the middle of the road, risking being hit by vehicles.
"do you want to turn back and help it?"
i thought that i could do no help,
gave a thought if i could actually do anything to help it,
all attempts seemed to lead to a failure.
went off, knowing that i could not help it in anyway,
knowing that it gave me that uneasy feeling that would keep me awake for the night,
knowing that it could possibly be injured, and waiting for it's death.
it hurts.
i feel helpless.
as i was reaching the end of a road with a sharp bend,
wanting to keep to my lane,
i saw a dog sitting there in the middle of the road,
swerved to the middle lane.
was afraid that it would get hit by other vehicles with wreckless driving skills,
elapsed into the thought that it was actually injured, otherwise why would it just sit there in the middle of the road, risking being hit by vehicles.
"do you want to turn back and help it?"
i thought that i could do no help,
gave a thought if i could actually do anything to help it,
all attempts seemed to lead to a failure.
went off, knowing that i could not help it in anyway,
knowing that it gave me that uneasy feeling that would keep me awake for the night,
knowing that it could possibly be injured, and waiting for it's death.
it hurts.
i feel helpless.
Friday, October 14, 2011
people say being in the middle has the most benefits,
you don't have to worry about ruining the relationship between the two parties who were having problems with one another.
given that, this particular middle person is able to keep up with his or her poker face and remain the neutral one throughout the whole ordeal.
this middle person may try to help the two get back together,
but on normal terms, it would fail,
but the success rate is still measurable.
sometimes, when people know they are in the middle of a mess,
they learned not to care, and just leaving the two to settle their own problem.
whatever it is, it is never a nice thing being stuck in the middle.
most of us, had no choice, and we are somehow thrown to this 'sacred' place where no evil pranced about, making us go away from it all.
wait. that's because there are forces from elsewhere, pushing us towards this 'sacred' place and getting caught.
some people may have been lucky to evade from the 'sacred' space, escaping without the slightest effect of it all.
mind you, the force i was talking about was referring to the forces, the heavy emotional feeling of the two parties swarming you, flooding you, with such energy that you have no choice but to give in.
i am making no sense at all
i apologise for that.
so what do you do when you are caught in the middle?
you can be either one of the two types mentioned above,
both comes with different pros and cons.
and it is actually possible to be either one, because we, humans have our mighty minds, where we can use to help us make decisions, decisions that would bring a different outcome, based on which decision you have picked.
if you have decided that it would be a good idea to help the two parties,
you may as well be dubbed the dumb one
yes, you have good intentions,
you have that thought, "if i don't do anything, i might as well lose the both of them."
being stuck in the middle is one of the toughest situation to be in,
it is way worse than being stranded on a deserted desert,
or being locked up in prison,
even with these situations, you still have the thought where you will actually be rescued from.
but when you are stuck, you practically have no escape.
and the reason why i'm saying that thou shalt be dubbed the dumb one,
is simply because, you are missing the point that you are a human,
you have emotions, you can't stay neutral for too long,
you, will somehow succumb to either one of the side,
either that,
or, you'll just end up insane.
insane where you would start taking in whatever they are trying to tell you, trying to figure out why, and also understanding on how to fix that matter up.
you, will fail.
if you are the type who doesn't give it that much of a thought, you should be grateful.
in a way, you save yourself from insanity
but mind you, you will always be the one the two will find, because you are the only source where they could confront to.
they are somehow very dependent of you.
if you happen to be the one who manage to escape from the two,
you are lucky.
hold it. don't be too happy about it,
sooner or later, it will still come back to you, somehow.
somehow.
is just does.
what i was trying to say is that,
i hate being stuck in the middle
been caught in this situation for like ever.
as time passes, i learnt that it is okay for me to leave everything behind and try my best to evade from the two parties.
as much as i tried to evade, i always fail.
it somehow comes back and gives me a bitchslap, reminding me of it's existence.
i have tried patching things up,
countless amount of times,
i never succeeded.
never did.
and the fact that it could never be solved, and the fact that i will always be stuck in the middle, is depressing enough.
...
especially when it involves people who are dear to me.
you don't have to worry about ruining the relationship between the two parties who were having problems with one another.
given that, this particular middle person is able to keep up with his or her poker face and remain the neutral one throughout the whole ordeal.
this middle person may try to help the two get back together,
but on normal terms, it would fail,
but the success rate is still measurable.
sometimes, when people know they are in the middle of a mess,
they learned not to care, and just leaving the two to settle their own problem.
whatever it is, it is never a nice thing being stuck in the middle.
most of us, had no choice, and we are somehow thrown to this 'sacred' place where no evil pranced about, making us go away from it all.
wait. that's because there are forces from elsewhere, pushing us towards this 'sacred' place and getting caught.
some people may have been lucky to evade from the 'sacred' space, escaping without the slightest effect of it all.
mind you, the force i was talking about was referring to the forces, the heavy emotional feeling of the two parties swarming you, flooding you, with such energy that you have no choice but to give in.
i am making no sense at all
i apologise for that.
so what do you do when you are caught in the middle?
you can be either one of the two types mentioned above,
both comes with different pros and cons.
and it is actually possible to be either one, because we, humans have our mighty minds, where we can use to help us make decisions, decisions that would bring a different outcome, based on which decision you have picked.
if you have decided that it would be a good idea to help the two parties,
you may as well be dubbed the dumb one
yes, you have good intentions,
you have that thought, "if i don't do anything, i might as well lose the both of them."
being stuck in the middle is one of the toughest situation to be in,
it is way worse than being stranded on a deserted desert,
or being locked up in prison,
even with these situations, you still have the thought where you will actually be rescued from.
but when you are stuck, you practically have no escape.
and the reason why i'm saying that thou shalt be dubbed the dumb one,
is simply because, you are missing the point that you are a human,
you have emotions, you can't stay neutral for too long,
you, will somehow succumb to either one of the side,
either that,
or, you'll just end up insane.
insane where you would start taking in whatever they are trying to tell you, trying to figure out why, and also understanding on how to fix that matter up.
you, will fail.
if you are the type who doesn't give it that much of a thought, you should be grateful.
in a way, you save yourself from insanity
but mind you, you will always be the one the two will find, because you are the only source where they could confront to.
they are somehow very dependent of you.
if you happen to be the one who manage to escape from the two,
you are lucky.
hold it. don't be too happy about it,
sooner or later, it will still come back to you, somehow.
somehow.
is just does.
what i was trying to say is that,
i hate being stuck in the middle
been caught in this situation for like ever.
as time passes, i learnt that it is okay for me to leave everything behind and try my best to evade from the two parties.
as much as i tried to evade, i always fail.
it somehow comes back and gives me a bitchslap, reminding me of it's existence.
i have tried patching things up,
countless amount of times,
i never succeeded.
never did.
and the fact that it could never be solved, and the fact that i will always be stuck in the middle, is depressing enough.
...
especially when it involves people who are dear to me.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
here is to the last one month to hell.
hrm.
maybe it isn't that bad.
thinking about the future scares the crap out of me.
considering how much i have to prepare for,
considering that i have no idea what is ahead of me,
those thoughts are scary, MAN!
the past will never leave me.
it will stay where it is.
but there is no way, you expect to be held back by your past,
being stuck at that particular moment forever.
even if one wishes to, that fact will never come true.
truth is, the past will haunt.
i don't want to be haunted.
i am waaaaaaaaay to afraid just by knowing that i am being haunted.
so i neglect this point.
i neglect the part where the past will swallow me up whole someday in the future.
someday where i would be pondering about today, the past, and what i could've done instead.
people say; live life without regrets.
so what if there are people who practise that statement?
it is actually possible for that statement to turn into a reality.
again, it all depends on the individual
with the given choice of having regrets or not to have regrets.
the past is haunting me, the future is scaring the daylights out of me.
what do i do?
make every present moment, count.
hrm.
maybe it isn't that bad.
thinking about the future scares the crap out of me.
considering how much i have to prepare for,
considering that i have no idea what is ahead of me,
those thoughts are scary, MAN!
the past will never leave me.
it will stay where it is.
but there is no way, you expect to be held back by your past,
being stuck at that particular moment forever.
even if one wishes to, that fact will never come true.
truth is, the past will haunt.
i don't want to be haunted.
i am waaaaaaaaay to afraid just by knowing that i am being haunted.
so i neglect this point.
i neglect the part where the past will swallow me up whole someday in the future.
someday where i would be pondering about today, the past, and what i could've done instead.
people say; live life without regrets.
so what if there are people who practise that statement?
it is actually possible for that statement to turn into a reality.
again, it all depends on the individual
with the given choice of having regrets or not to have regrets.
the past is haunting me, the future is scaring the daylights out of me.
what do i do?
make every present moment, count.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
i am backing myself up really often now.
i am protecting myself from any potential harm now.
i know i shouldn't
i know i should be listening to what people have to say now and then
i know i should reserve some thoughts for myself
but i could no longer hold that self reserved thoughts any longer.
and example would be
yesterday, i saw this woman hitting this bird.
i'm pretty sure she intended to play with it.
but what i couldn't stand was that these people seemed to be playing with these animals as though they were toys.
that thought made me go aloud, scolding indirectly towards that woman.
going; "stupid woman, whack that bird, for certain the bird is pecking her."
then there was another time where we were in the discussion room in the library
i could not stand that these bunch of people simply left their stuff on the table,
booking the place for themselves while they leave for lunch.
i find that unacceptable, because the discussion room is always packed with people and they need to find place to sit.
why can't they just bring their belongings along with them to lunch, and then return to the libray after they are done?
if there is no place for them, then too bad.
the blardy property does not only belong to you!
unless your grandfather pays to own the land, then it's a different story altogether.
even if that is true, why must you be selfish and leave your things there, HOGGING the place?
so when they came back i was so angry, that i told them off,
"next time when you do go out, please bring your things with you, other people would like to sit too."
then there was once, i came across this car parked on two parking spots.
it was frustrating because everybody would be rushing to college early just to find parking spots, and this pathetic soul decided it was okay to do such a retarded parking at that time.
i was one of the unfortunate ones who thought i would be able to park there when it turned out that i can't.
i had to cross my fingers in hopes that there is another parking spot available for me.
what i did was, i wrote a note and put it on this particular car's windscreen.
stating, "dear genius, it is very inconsiderate for you for parking like that, other people would want to park too. signed, frustrated."
how long more do you want me to keep quiet?
how long more do you expect me to keep it all of it in me?
after 17 years of self absorbed thoughts, i really do need to let myself go.
i agree that i may have been making wrong decisions now and then.
and i need to learn from it all.
i am protecting myself from any potential harm now.
i know i shouldn't
i know i should be listening to what people have to say now and then
i know i should reserve some thoughts for myself
but i could no longer hold that self reserved thoughts any longer.
and example would be
yesterday, i saw this woman hitting this bird.
i'm pretty sure she intended to play with it.
but what i couldn't stand was that these people seemed to be playing with these animals as though they were toys.
that thought made me go aloud, scolding indirectly towards that woman.
going; "stupid woman, whack that bird, for certain the bird is pecking her."
then there was another time where we were in the discussion room in the library
i could not stand that these bunch of people simply left their stuff on the table,
booking the place for themselves while they leave for lunch.
i find that unacceptable, because the discussion room is always packed with people and they need to find place to sit.
why can't they just bring their belongings along with them to lunch, and then return to the libray after they are done?
if there is no place for them, then too bad.
the blardy property does not only belong to you!
unless your grandfather pays to own the land, then it's a different story altogether.
even if that is true, why must you be selfish and leave your things there, HOGGING the place?
so when they came back i was so angry, that i told them off,
"next time when you do go out, please bring your things with you, other people would like to sit too."
then there was once, i came across this car parked on two parking spots.
it was frustrating because everybody would be rushing to college early just to find parking spots, and this pathetic soul decided it was okay to do such a retarded parking at that time.
i was one of the unfortunate ones who thought i would be able to park there when it turned out that i can't.
i had to cross my fingers in hopes that there is another parking spot available for me.
what i did was, i wrote a note and put it on this particular car's windscreen.
stating, "dear genius, it is very inconsiderate for you for parking like that, other people would want to park too. signed, frustrated."
how long more do you want me to keep quiet?
how long more do you expect me to keep it all of it in me?
after 17 years of self absorbed thoughts, i really do need to let myself go.
i agree that i may have been making wrong decisions now and then.
and i need to learn from it all.
people will never fail to scrutinize you,
whether you think that they don't because you think that you have nothing worth scrutinizing,
or you're just too ignorant about what they are scrutinizing about.
i guess it's a normal thing to be done,
we sit there at one corner,
we look at what others are doing, and we have thoughts about it.
when we rummage through our thoughts, we make our own conclusions.
those conclusions are what we call stereotyping.
and when such thoughts are expressed amongst one another, it becomes something more than a typical stereotyping.
it becomes viral, and stereotyping will die hard.
just like habits.
though there isn't anyway that we can stop all this from happening
we, today, have freedom of speech.
we are free to say almost anything and everything we want to, without having fear, for we are protected in certain ways.
but are we misusing this freedom we have?
to a point where we use it to 'destroy' others?
sometimes, we do things unconciously.
we do things, without realising its consequences.
we do things, according to our feelings and our heart.
but little did we know, our brains are the ones that matters most.
most of the times, when we act with our hearts and feelings, we will regret what we did after a while
but even if we do regret, there is practically nothing left for us to do to change the fact that had happen.
the only thing left to be done would be thinking through and hopefully not doing the same thing the next time around.
=/
...
whether you think that they don't because you think that you have nothing worth scrutinizing,
or you're just too ignorant about what they are scrutinizing about.
i guess it's a normal thing to be done,
we sit there at one corner,
we look at what others are doing, and we have thoughts about it.
when we rummage through our thoughts, we make our own conclusions.
those conclusions are what we call stereotyping.
and when such thoughts are expressed amongst one another, it becomes something more than a typical stereotyping.
it becomes viral, and stereotyping will die hard.
just like habits.
though there isn't anyway that we can stop all this from happening
we, today, have freedom of speech.
we are free to say almost anything and everything we want to, without having fear, for we are protected in certain ways.
but are we misusing this freedom we have?
to a point where we use it to 'destroy' others?
sometimes, we do things unconciously.
we do things, without realising its consequences.
we do things, according to our feelings and our heart.
but little did we know, our brains are the ones that matters most.
most of the times, when we act with our hearts and feelings, we will regret what we did after a while
but even if we do regret, there is practically nothing left for us to do to change the fact that had happen.
the only thing left to be done would be thinking through and hopefully not doing the same thing the next time around.
=/
...
Saturday, October 1, 2011
The bigboy-biggirl age.
Here in Malaysia,
Our Chinese descendent has this habit of saying,
"Wahh! Grow so big already ah? big boy/big girl already ah?!"
It's this funny sentence that never fails to spill out of our aunts and uncles on those children (who are at their teen years) whom they have not seem for about one year or more.
Well, obviously we, the teens will have drastic changes as we go through each year within our teenage years, right?
But yeah, it's like something for them to talk about.
Especially at some-super-big-extended-family gatherings.
And the first question they will ask;
"got boyfriend/girlfriend already or not?"
Which can be a little annoying,
Because many a times, these sentences popped out are in that tone where it sounds sarcastic.
And also, because at certain age within our teen years, parents don’t necessarily agree that their child should be having a boyfriend/girlfriend at that particular age.
Normally, parents would only begin to let go once the child leaves high school.
So, if you are aged 18 and below, and you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you tend to lie when these aunts and uncles who ask “so how? Got boyfriend/girlfriend already ah?”
But on the occasion case, aunts are those who would normally ask these questions and the uncles would just be doing their own things.
Hey, it’s a general view. Uncles do ask too!
Then comes the second question; “What form are you studying in now?”
Somehow, these people have very bad memory and couldn’t be bothered about keeping track of our ages, so yeah, we have to answer this, EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
If you don’t experience this, then good for you, like seriously. =X
Owh, wait. The questioning does not stop there!
“How’s your studies?”
On a norm, this question will be asked, as you can see, Chinese family have high hopes on their children for doing ‘EXCEPTIONALLY WELL’ in academics.
So yeah, it is a must to be asked. They expect to hear good things from you, but if you do know how to twist and turn a little on how to answer this question, you’ll be fine.
If you just answer, “okay ah!”, truth be told, that would be sufficient enough. ;D
…
Looking at what is happening; I believe I am at the age where I am considered as an official BIG GIRL.
The age where i…
- drive on my own
- plan my own expenditure
- plan my own future
- going out without asking permission, but of course I still need to inform on my whereabouts.
- study on my own without being nagged at
- owning a laptop
- sleeping in real late or waking up real late, not being nagged at
- have a certain level of freedom
- do my own shopping
- spending money unnecessarily. LOL
- learning how to come home and spend some time at home
- learning to appreciate them more
- hangs out much more with friends than at home
- becoming their driver
- paying for them
- they stopped going all “YOU ARE DEAD” when I get bad results. Instead, making me hell guilty for not saying very little words regarding it.
- have to think about my own safety because I’m on my own already.
Looking at that list,
my goodness, it’s like I was forced to grow up fast, and all this had actually changed … in less than one year.
I don’t manage my own expenditure up until this year,
I mean, I do get allowance and all, but yeah, that was just sufficient, and all my shoppings would be paid for
Now? Whenever I can, I pay for them. *due to some circumstances.*
Petrol? Under my own belt.
Not fully, but literally.
Yeahh...
As I was saying,
This is the age where we all learn to be independent,
Some of us will falter, leaving our parents behind, forgetting to go home as often as we could
But sometimes, when we do realise we’ve been neglecting our parents, we feel guilty.
I would say that this would be the age where our guilt is to the max.
Cause sometimes, we are unsure of what we are exactly doing, and we don’t want to ask for our parent’s guidance as we don’t want to bother them, in a way, we have our own ego as well, because we want to show them that we can do it on our own.
Little do we know, our actions may be worrying them sick.
But they couldn’t stop us, cause they may not know exactly what we are doing, but they know that they can’t do anything about it, because they know it is the time for us to learn.
But then again, they do know what the limit is, and they will step in when we seem to be going to wrong direction.
At least the guilt is pulling is back to our roots, where we stay ‘grounded’.
When it comes to spending money,
We spend more than we would normally do now.
Back in high school, we were given a certain amount of money, which was just enough for us to use.
And when we want to do shopping, they would pay for us.
Well, most of us do. Not all, most.
Now? I even stopped shopping already, because I was not used to the fact that I’ll be using my own money to do shopping.
And when this went on, eventually, that shopping frenzy left me already.
Even shopping with their money now, feels weird. It feels like you’re in debt.
But in my case, I wouldn’t mind spending money on them, however.
Hah. Whatever it is, there is ONE thing that I will never control from, shopping from food.
I can’t live without good food, let alone FOOD itself. =F
Uwargh! It tends to get a little frustrating from time to time.
By the end of each month, you’ll be sitting there, recalculating how much you have spent this month, and sometimes be shocked with the amount of money spent on that month itself.
=/
FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The one thing that we all have been waiting for since the very start of high school.
Back then, whenever we want to go on outings, parents would give us a certain time limit, and if we don’t get back by that time limit, we were practically dead; NO MORE OUTINGS!
Now that I have it, sometimes I do feel like I’m taking it for granted.
I tend to spend less time at home now.
Staying back in college, wanting to study until it’s pretty late, ending up going straight for dinner with buddies before heading home.
I’ve even started to neglect Sunny. I used to be able to have time to wash her at least once a week, now? She’ll be in a mess for up to a month long. =/
Sunny, is my yellow car.
This house of mine suddenly feels like a hotel, I only return home to sleep, bath and perk myself up… to go out again.
Though she didn’t say anything, I can sense that she misses my annoyance around the house.
Which then makes me feel guilty.
Being allowed to enjoy yourself while being guilty stricken,
I do believe this is what being a ‘BIG GIRL’ means.
Owh. You wouldn’t want me to start with the driving part.
YOU REALLY WOULDN’T WANT TO!
Or maybe I’ll nag about it in my next post, provided that I have that mood then. =P
…
So.. what happens if you passed this bigboy-biggirl stage?
Don’t worry! THEY HAVE MORE QUESTIONS TO ASK!!!
The boyfriend/girlfriend question will still be asked, NO DOUBT.
And at this age, if you do have a partner, somehow these aunts and uncles suddenly seem to have perfect memory, remembering that you have a partner. Impressive, ain’t it? ;P
Then they’ll ask you what you are working as; how much you are earning…
WAIT! Then if they notice you’ve been long with your partner, or if you still haven’t have a partner until a certain age, they will ask you, “so, when are you planning to get married?”
And if you’re married, “When are you going to have kids?”
Or if you have your first child already, “When will your next child coming?”
As a conclusion, these questions will always appear, whether you are visiting relatives or visiting your childhood friend at their homes, they will be asked.
What I find intriguing is that the pattern never fails to be the exact same on as the previous years. =)
Haha. It’s interesting.
Probably build a legacy on its own already. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up like them too.
HAHAHHAHHHAHAH
For the mean time, allow me to enjoy my ‘BIG GIRL’ moments.
Here in Malaysia,
Our Chinese descendent has this habit of saying,
"Wahh! Grow so big already ah? big boy/big girl already ah?!"
It's this funny sentence that never fails to spill out of our aunts and uncles on those children (who are at their teen years) whom they have not seem for about one year or more.
Well, obviously we, the teens will have drastic changes as we go through each year within our teenage years, right?
But yeah, it's like something for them to talk about.
Especially at some-super-big-extended-family gatherings.
And the first question they will ask;
"got boyfriend/girlfriend already or not?"
Which can be a little annoying,
Because many a times, these sentences popped out are in that tone where it sounds sarcastic.
And also, because at certain age within our teen years, parents don’t necessarily agree that their child should be having a boyfriend/girlfriend at that particular age.
Normally, parents would only begin to let go once the child leaves high school.
So, if you are aged 18 and below, and you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you tend to lie when these aunts and uncles who ask “so how? Got boyfriend/girlfriend already ah?”
But on the occasion case, aunts are those who would normally ask these questions and the uncles would just be doing their own things.
Hey, it’s a general view. Uncles do ask too!
Then comes the second question; “What form are you studying in now?”
Somehow, these people have very bad memory and couldn’t be bothered about keeping track of our ages, so yeah, we have to answer this, EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
If you don’t experience this, then good for you, like seriously. =X
Owh, wait. The questioning does not stop there!
“How’s your studies?”
On a norm, this question will be asked, as you can see, Chinese family have high hopes on their children for doing ‘EXCEPTIONALLY WELL’ in academics.
So yeah, it is a must to be asked. They expect to hear good things from you, but if you do know how to twist and turn a little on how to answer this question, you’ll be fine.
If you just answer, “okay ah!”, truth be told, that would be sufficient enough. ;D
…
Looking at what is happening; I believe I am at the age where I am considered as an official BIG GIRL.
The age where i…
- drive on my own
- plan my own expenditure
- plan my own future
- going out without asking permission, but of course I still need to inform on my whereabouts.
- study on my own without being nagged at
- owning a laptop
- sleeping in real late or waking up real late, not being nagged at
- have a certain level of freedom
- do my own shopping
- spending money unnecessarily. LOL
- learning how to come home and spend some time at home
- learning to appreciate them more
- hangs out much more with friends than at home
- becoming their driver
- paying for them
- they stopped going all “YOU ARE DEAD” when I get bad results. Instead, making me hell guilty for not saying very little words regarding it.
- have to think about my own safety because I’m on my own already.
Looking at that list,
my goodness, it’s like I was forced to grow up fast, and all this had actually changed … in less than one year.
I don’t manage my own expenditure up until this year,
I mean, I do get allowance and all, but yeah, that was just sufficient, and all my shoppings would be paid for
Now? Whenever I can, I pay for them. *due to some circumstances.*
Petrol? Under my own belt.
Not fully, but literally.
Yeahh...
As I was saying,
This is the age where we all learn to be independent,
Some of us will falter, leaving our parents behind, forgetting to go home as often as we could
But sometimes, when we do realise we’ve been neglecting our parents, we feel guilty.
I would say that this would be the age where our guilt is to the max.
Cause sometimes, we are unsure of what we are exactly doing, and we don’t want to ask for our parent’s guidance as we don’t want to bother them, in a way, we have our own ego as well, because we want to show them that we can do it on our own.
Little do we know, our actions may be worrying them sick.
But they couldn’t stop us, cause they may not know exactly what we are doing, but they know that they can’t do anything about it, because they know it is the time for us to learn.
But then again, they do know what the limit is, and they will step in when we seem to be going to wrong direction.
At least the guilt is pulling is back to our roots, where we stay ‘grounded’.
When it comes to spending money,
We spend more than we would normally do now.
Back in high school, we were given a certain amount of money, which was just enough for us to use.
And when we want to do shopping, they would pay for us.
Well, most of us do. Not all, most.
Now? I even stopped shopping already, because I was not used to the fact that I’ll be using my own money to do shopping.
And when this went on, eventually, that shopping frenzy left me already.
Even shopping with their money now, feels weird. It feels like you’re in debt.
But in my case, I wouldn’t mind spending money on them, however.
Hah. Whatever it is, there is ONE thing that I will never control from, shopping from food.
I can’t live without good food, let alone FOOD itself. =F
Uwargh! It tends to get a little frustrating from time to time.
By the end of each month, you’ll be sitting there, recalculating how much you have spent this month, and sometimes be shocked with the amount of money spent on that month itself.
=/
FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The one thing that we all have been waiting for since the very start of high school.
Back then, whenever we want to go on outings, parents would give us a certain time limit, and if we don’t get back by that time limit, we were practically dead; NO MORE OUTINGS!
Now that I have it, sometimes I do feel like I’m taking it for granted.
I tend to spend less time at home now.
Staying back in college, wanting to study until it’s pretty late, ending up going straight for dinner with buddies before heading home.
I’ve even started to neglect Sunny. I used to be able to have time to wash her at least once a week, now? She’ll be in a mess for up to a month long. =/
Sunny, is my yellow car.
This house of mine suddenly feels like a hotel, I only return home to sleep, bath and perk myself up… to go out again.
Though she didn’t say anything, I can sense that she misses my annoyance around the house.
Which then makes me feel guilty.
Being allowed to enjoy yourself while being guilty stricken,
I do believe this is what being a ‘BIG GIRL’ means.
Owh. You wouldn’t want me to start with the driving part.
YOU REALLY WOULDN’T WANT TO!
Or maybe I’ll nag about it in my next post, provided that I have that mood then. =P
…
So.. what happens if you passed this bigboy-biggirl stage?
Don’t worry! THEY HAVE MORE QUESTIONS TO ASK!!!
The boyfriend/girlfriend question will still be asked, NO DOUBT.
And at this age, if you do have a partner, somehow these aunts and uncles suddenly seem to have perfect memory, remembering that you have a partner. Impressive, ain’t it? ;P
Then they’ll ask you what you are working as; how much you are earning…
WAIT! Then if they notice you’ve been long with your partner, or if you still haven’t have a partner until a certain age, they will ask you, “so, when are you planning to get married?”
And if you’re married, “When are you going to have kids?”
Or if you have your first child already, “When will your next child coming?”
As a conclusion, these questions will always appear, whether you are visiting relatives or visiting your childhood friend at their homes, they will be asked.
What I find intriguing is that the pattern never fails to be the exact same on as the previous years. =)
Haha. It’s interesting.
Probably build a legacy on its own already. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up like them too.
HAHAHHAHHHAHAH
For the mean time, allow me to enjoy my ‘BIG GIRL’ moments.
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