Here at the boarding area of the airport. Just said goodbye to my dear mummy about half an hour ago. Now of which, I am waiting to board onto my flight home to Malaysia. My first time flying home alone, I just realised. Will I ever return?

Hugging my mom for my dear life. Literally. How could I not? Much I have bonded with her this trip around. Each time I come here, each time I grow older, each time I grow wiser. At least, I'd like to think I did. =) it isnt all the time that we can have heart to heart talks like that provided the distance. Regardless, she is still my mother, it is just me, unable to feel the bond as close as those I see with my own eyes. Things are just different. As different as it is, well, truth is, everybody has their own different lives of their own... or so to say. Which, is quite true. Without a doubt.

We generalize things, it helps us to keep things as simple as it is, thus sometimes, gives us thoughts that 'they are of the same species' unable to understand what 'we' are going through from time to time. But would we bother to stop, to think about what the other party had been through before we have our own opinions and thoughts about it? In general, we wouldnt, and for those who think too much, are deemed silly for thinking so much. So which is which?

I realise I have been arguing myself with this exact same issue over and over again for the past few posts. I apologise for the repeated naggings of unnecessary ponderings. I truly am sorry for those posts. ><

I shall go back to my lovely days with my dear mummy, shall i? Hehe. Poor mummy was having that time of the month. Good thing her boyfriend was around for the first five days, where she could put all her attention on him and release her stress on him. =P it gets a bit annoying that they were arguing, but owh well, at least they were not angry at each other. Just that I did feel slightly left out whenever they talk. After all, I guess opposite sexes does attract more attention than blood. Hahahahaha! Shh! I did not just tell you that. I brought a little too many books to do some reading, thinking I would have nothing to do when mummy is off working. But he was around, so he was busy bringing me and mummy places. Guilt trip this had become. =/

It wasnt until he left that I could feel my mommah's loneliness. Even with my presence, I could feel it. Poor mummy. ='( So with all her focus on me, she was screaming at me. For my behaviours where I am like every other teenager, whom she has not raised up by her own, a child who seem like a big kid, still unable to be responsible for my own. Yes. I wish I could be mummy's little girl forever too. Probably it was my intention of making her scold me, when on occasion cases, avoiding these would be the norm. Nope. I sat there, watching her scold me fullheartedly. The moments where I felt love through whatever she was saying. Scoldings that made no necessary sense to growing teenagers, words that spilled love.

Haha! Who'd knew I was such a fillial child. I could very well had been the good daughter, listening to whatever she asked of me, but I simply refused. Somehow, I refused. I could tell mummy is worried that I am going off to Australia on my own. It is about time where I learn to experience life on my own, to mummy's eyes, I am still a big kid. A child that is growing physically but mentally still immature and childish. I'd like mummy to have that thought of me. I'd like her to remember me that way, for I know growing up is difficult, even for me, but what more for parents, watching their children grow and say, 'my baby is all grown up'. This would be the time where I would want to stop growing, for this age, at this point of time, one step ahead would mean the world. Literally, but true as it may be.

If you would want to say that I am still a child, it is a denial thought. Well, if my mom or aunt really thinks that I am still that immature, they wouldnt have possibly allowed me to take charge of the car, allowed me to go clubbing or even flying on my own. There will come a time where all denials will be voided. Where both physical and mental evidence will definitely overshadow them denials. But hey, keeping parents at the bay, thinking that we are still kids, will make them feel much more attached to us, eventhough the person is not present within the visual perimeter, it keeps the bond alive. The thought where we will run back into their arms like we used to, the thought where they are our sole pillar to keep our heads above water, the thought that we still need them in our lives.

I have two mothers. One who takes care of me, one who supports me. Without these two, I would not have been where I am today. And my limbs are too long to fit in this crampy seats of airasia flights. I complain like nobody's business. And I appreciate to those who bared with it all. I have no clue why I am writing this, but I did, and I have no plans of editing it, for I have promised myself to be as honest as I can. =)

Moments where we would sit and have heart to heart talks to understand each other better, looking back at what that had been understood wrongly, finally being cleared out. Moments where you listen to know what is on their minds, should be treasured. For they could have been thoughts buried deep down in their hearts and have been hurt countless of times because of it. The thoughts that are the hardest to be shared because of how much it hurts, just to even have a thought of it. Tears that flowed, because of such thoughts, tears that could have possibly meant the world. Tears that meant, the thought had been released. Tears that shows us signs, that things will be better. Tears that will keep us strong.

6.48pm, 15th Dec 2011.