hi there! it's three thirty am. and i refuse to sleep for somewhat reason that i am unsure of. but here i am, beginning a blogpost on my laptop. =)
so. i was that lifeless today that i decided to stalk an old enemy of mine
yeah. i have an enemy. which was a good thing, at least i know i'm not perfect.
and the moment i read her blog, i cracked up.
for in a sense, to me, she had not grown nor changed abit.
who knows, it maybe a good thing for her that she's still in that state.
as a matter of fact, my talking about her, here on my blog is quite insignificant,
but i just felt like doing something like this. =D

here, is the exact words mentioned by this darling princess on that post.
IF I WERE TO DIE TOMORROW, 2 PEOPLE I'LL NEVER FORGIVE, OU KAH SIM, NASHARINA NAZLAN. I KNOW THAT THEY TOO ARE NOT DESPERATE FOR MY FORGIVENESS.
nicely bolded, in full too, isn't it?
it's dated April.
and you must be wondering why am i still bothered looking through her blog and bring this up again.
it's just for my own entertainment! D=

will continue when i feel like it.
eyelids are getting too heavy

So! I stepped my foot into a club for the very first time after 18 years alive. May be deemed as a hypocrite to a few of you, for I had been going on and on about "why the hell are you going to a club" with the very disgusted facial expression of mine. Best part, people whom I thought would never do clubbing were in fact clubbing. Definitely got me curious on what the buzz about clubbing is like. And I figured that this bunch of people would be safest to go with because they are the experienced and sensible ones. One of them even said it was a must for me to go, by the end of this year.

Voila! With that fear I had about going into a club immediately evaporated once I was in there. It wasnt close to what I expected it to be. Haha! Thank you mainstream television shows and movies for the exposure. It was just... normal. People were all just standing there, moving a little to the rhythm. But it turns out that the 'party' had not started. So I guess everybody was just waiting for the 'party' to start. But then again, that stereotypical mind of mine gave me the thought that malaysians are like that. They wait, for the others to start before they participate.

So, clubbing is just dancing and not much of drinking? Turns out there are a few types. Not sure which is which, bet I wont want to go near the drinking ones. Lets talk about dancing, shall we? =) As soon as the 'party' started, some girl in a short white tube dress stepped onto the highest point of the stage and danced, looking like a whore. It looks like she is dancing like a whore, but if you don't stereotype like me, you would be able to see that she is actually releasing herself and enjoying herself. She was totally absorbed into her dancing that it made her look like a whore. I called her a whore cause I could see her underpants. And when we see that happening to Korean artists, we blame it on the company for doing a bad management on the dressing that makes the artists look like whores.

A friend of mine told me, if you can dance, you can actually chase her off that stage point. Heh. Didnt do that. Standing on the stage itself makes me abit intimidated already. For me, standing on the top it's for the good dancers, or for people who are just too high about themselves. Most of them who went up there, are of the second category. One would be that girl in the white dress, and another one, this girl, had long straight hair, wearing a black tube, quite flair, and she was on the top stage. What annoys me is that she was that she is of the second category, and was so occupied with her phone. Imagine watching a girl, dancing like she is drunk and stops to text on her phone for a few seconds before resuming her drunk dance. It. Is. Annoying.

But it bemused me that people could actually do things like that. Just breaking loose of their inner constrict, enjoying and relaxing themselves. Honestly, letting go like that isnt an easy thing for me to do. Thus, in a way, I do respect these people. These are things that we cant do in our daily routine. You cant expect to see a person randomly dancing like a crazy person in the middle of nowhere, right? So yes, this is the one appropriate place where people are given the chance to let loose. Provided that the intentions are good, I dont see how clubbing can be a bad thing. It still depends on the individual. And one has to be completely aware of one's own behaviour. Eventhough one lets loose, consciousness should never be pushed aside, for it is the only thing we can depend on to protect ourselves from any possible hazards.

I had that doubt, about going clubbing or even drinking. For the moment you are exposed to such, it shows that you, are growing up. It is the moment where you, officially gain trust from your parents (provided if you do inform them that you are actually going), you learn to make smart decisions on your own, for each option you choose then and there, will bring you instant change. Change that would probably cost you your future. Haha! Yeap. It really does.

You sit and wonder, have you really missed the chances that were once around? Chances that could've change the way things are happening at the present moment? Chances that could've bring a total different outcome with things that are about to happen in the future. You stop to ponder, was it worth looking back at what you could've done to make things different now, are these regret based decision made, are the regrets worth regretting.

We say, regretting is not worth anything at all, for the present is what matters most, present is what we can change, to sculpture a better future up ahead. People also say, regrets are factors that will hold us back from moving forward. Regrets pull us into a dark corner, and it only depends on how strong a person is before this person can stand up again and walk towards the light once again.

Regrets, is a reminder on how we should not make the same mistakes we did back then, mistakes that would make the individual stuck at a point of life, watching the while world passing by, but they are searching frantically for the strength to follow the flow, but the strength seemed to have sapped out by some evil dark force. That, results with the persons being stuck there at a stand still point.

We were forced to study history. The government tells us, it is necessary as it would expose to us about the treacherous past, a reminder that we should not do anything stupid to allow the past from repeating itself. Life tells us to look forward. But humanity is making us look back. Which reminds me if what we learnt in psychology, the id, ego, and superego. Id is the devil, who wants its satisfaction fulfilled, superego is the angel, telling us to do what is right from wrong, ego, is the human body, carrying out decisions, based on both the thoughts of the devil and the angel. In this matter, devil tells us to be selfish, and look forward, forgetting the past. And the angel, telling us to be conscious, look at the past before deciding.

As much as one chooses not to allow the past to resurface, the past will always return to hunt a living soul regardless of the situation. And when it does resurface, it will lockdown that person, being unable to make a decision at all. For it seems that whatever decision made, would return and haunt you like how the previous regrets made.

One may say that they do not have a single regret in their life. Well, truth is, nobody is perfect, mistakes will appear every now and then. If the person knows how to stand tall and overcome that mistake made, he or she will learn so much more that the experience becomes priceless.

Regrets are good. They help a person improve in whatever they do. Mistakes are the cause of regrets. Life throws us all over the place, it tears us apart from time to time. Life is also unexpected. Which makes it interesting. As life proceeds, light will always be there, we just need to want it.

It has been awhile since I last posted something. Didnt even bother to post anything, actually. Had been spamming twitter since the exam ended. That, is a wrong statement. Truth is, I have been tweeting endlessly eversince I got this handphone of mine. Pretty sure I'm overusing it at some point, but that, has nothing to do with what I'm about to mention. And yet again, a nostalgic road will be taken as I rummaged through my thoughts to get it written as presentable as I could. =)

Sometime this hour, last year, I would most probably be sleeping, preparing myself to be psyched up for my next spm paper. Situation would be similar between last year and this year, only difference is that this year, is a definite speeded version of last year. Exam had already passed, whats next? Outings? Gatherings? Searching on what or where to go next year?

Taking the next step after one stage is complete. That is how we move forward, and somehow try to be a level smarter than we originally were. Before the end of government schooling, we just knew we were.advancing another year ahead, nothing to be choosy over. Until it came to form4. Sciece? Or arts? Even that, some of us had difficulty deciding.

I would say it was due to the fear of choosing the wrong interest, resulting with a regret we will be carrying on our heads until the day we take our last breathe. Exaggerated fact, that. But possible. It was not until last year, where parents would begin nagging on us, asking us what is it that we want to do, bugging us on which course we should be taking. Teachers too, were busy giving lectures about the types of matriculations and all. But what did we do? Ignore.

It definitely didnt feel like it was something interesting, then. It was more like, "owh well, we can always register later." smiles, walks away. Before we knew it, we were thrown all over the place, trying to figure out which course would be the one course we should be taking, in preparation of what we want to do in the future. Many of us are still struggling, unsure of what we should be focusing on. Some decided that studying is enough, but they needed to go on studying, otherwise future seems really shaky.

Then suddenly, it felt like the worst week ever, you didnt know what to do or where to go, worrying it might be the wrong decision made. Also wishing you had actually researched earlier on it, so you didnt have to go through such hassle at that moment. BUT A DECISION HAS TO BE MADE!! So you spent time scouting around, searching for the best course, asking around for opinion and such. And finally, a decision is made. Dont worry! You are still in that worrried, studies, friends, transportation, accommodation, these had to be given a thought too.

Personally, throughout my whole form5, I already knew what I wanted to do. An Australian matriculation. But then I found out there were two totally different ones. That itself got me thinking hard on deciding which exact one I should he going to. It took me a long time to make a decision, registering on the final week for registrations. Even after the decision was made, I was still in doubt, worried I had taken the wrong course. And the truth is, that worrying was necessary. It drives you to work at your best, making sure you did not regret your decision made.

Honestly, I had no regrets. Ausmat here at sunway won by a few extra points over Taylor's SAM. Parking availability, travelling distance, and it was also cheaper. =P owh. And its much bigger compared to Taylor's worn out building. Hehe. Win! And our classes have different people in different classes, we were not just stuck with the same group of people for the whole year. Hehe. I sound mean. But... Its the truth! And we could just walk to pyramid whenever we felt like it. Good choice made. =D lecturers were awesome too. <3

But hey, that part of life is over. 5years off high school being cramped into a 10 month course is still overwhelming. Knowing you had learn to love such awesome people, it is difficult to let go, just like that. We are left with no choice, but we have to move on. By that, it meant returning to that overly confused moment of our lives, deciding which universities we should be heading. Most of us will end up alone, some fortunate ones will go with an accompany or two.

Universities, requires a huge amount of money just to be in their course. I have no idea why is education so expensive. As for those weaklings like me, it really does feel unnecessary to continue studying when that fear of being unable to graduate after spending such a huge sum of money, is really unbearable. Life expenses, accommodation, they all need money. What if you end up at some university that is of no good? To think that deciding for college was already tough, this, would be much tougher.

There are just too many factors that requires a lot of thinking through before that final decision is being made.

=/

It seems really dark up ahead eventhough I'm holding about ten torches with me as I go through this path.

S.o @ 10.49am, 21st Nov 2011.

So... I have been really lost lately. As much as I tried to stay positive, I just can't. Too much crap is happening, and everything is out of place. I know it is all in me. If I could just stop worrying, things would be fine. But I cant do that.

Things are just different now. I mean. It is such a blow that I cant even stand on my own two feet, feeling and thinking that everything will be alright. How can it possibly be alright when nothing seems repairable at this stage.

Its a whirlpool of chaos. I cant get my head straight. I dont even know what to do. All the things just vanished into thin air as though it never existed in the first place. Why? Why? WHY?!

I hate being in this state, for I dont even know what I want. I cant do what I could normally do anymore. Just feels like I am impaired somehow. Life just seems unworthy of living now.

Watched the season finale of greys season 6 last night. It got me crying. It would have to be the first time I cry over a tv series or even movie, other than those involving dogs dying... Yeah. That. It was showing how a massacre had happened in the hospital where people were dying. They captured scenes of those who were dying. I dont know why, but it got me really emotional. Probably its cause I had images of me dying, leaving the world in peace. But I guess dying itself is not at all that peaceful.

It still depends on the life of others who are still alive. People have the instincts to survive. Even when the environment threatens to kill you, the body is that magnificent that it finds ways to ensure that you, get out of there alive.

But what if you are destined to die? That, would be one that I am prepared for. Death is something that is unavoidable, if you were to die, you will die, if you were not supposed to die, you wont die. You cant control it. You cant say, you wanna die and come back alive. You only have one life.

And that one life is so priceless that you cant exactly pay to have a life. You pay, to give yourself an opportunity to have a life. You, are the one who determines what life is about. You choose life to be bitter, it is your choice. You choose life to be fabulous, it is your choice.

No one can tell you how to live your own life. It is YOUR life, not theirs.

I know its rather contradicting with what is happening to me. Frankly saying, I just feel lost. I am at a point where I dont see the worthiness of living my life. It seems crushed somehow. But I'll pick myself up, somehow, someday. And when I do, I'll be looking back at this day, laughing at it.

S.o @ 2.07pm, 13th Nov 2011

knowing how much i love to do cheerleading,
and you expect me to just sit down aside and just watch as others hop and prance around?
just because i have scoli, it just prohibits me from doing what i loved.
in a way, i have to change my points of interest, just to look away from the fact that i can't hop and prance around like the others could.
at this point of time, i really wish i had not know that my scoli existed in the first place,
otherwise i would just continue doing whatever i loved, and just suck up whatever pain that might be caused on me, but still doing it.
simply because i love what i do.
and that, i would not have any regrets, or dilemma, similar to the one i am facing right now.

it just icks me that the fact that for the one thing that could bring such joy to me, could not be further pursued.

and if you're asking me to get my scoli fixed, before doing what i want to do,
chances are, it could just get back to it's original shape as it is, or might even get worse if i were hardcore in what i do.


the fact that i know of my scoli,
i have to be constantly be aware of what i do,
just to prevent it from curving back to it's originally discovered state, or even deteriorate, or even to hurt me.
hah.
it just sounds like my body is hurting my by itself.

well, the only reason why i am posting such intense post is simply because,
it finally does feels like my scoli condition has been costing me my life.
literally,
though there may be many gazillion other things that i could find interest in,
but the interest has to be there in the first place,
you cant just go by saying, "oh, this is interesting, okay!" and then finding yourself being forced to like it simply because you don't want to get that thought of your initial interest in you mind, where it would just break you, into pieces, literally.

i am upset.
for when i told my auntie, that i wanted to go for a cheer practise,
she took sometime to respond to me,
it was different, as before this, i could just inform her that i'll be going out, and she's fine with it,
but not this time,
i somehow felt it was a reasonable thing to inform her that i wanted to go for a cheer practise.
well, of course, she was concerned about my backbone,
yet she knew i was really interested in cheer still,
so she hasitated, didn't say no, didn't say yes either.
and i too knew that i should be aware of my backbone, as i am unable to make proper decisions on my own from time to time.
i had to ask her the next morning, where she finally approved of me going for the training session,
but i told her, i would be just sitting at a corner, watching them.
well, there was no way i was to just sit and watch, cause i was very much interested, and so, i joined in.
regret not taken.
for it was what i wanted to experience ever since i could not cheer anymore.
the passion had never died in me,
but i knew i could not participate, somehow.
and i am right.

it is a debate on whether i should just ignore my back and go ahead with what i want to do,
or
drop that passion and take good care of my back.
honestly, i would rather take the first option.
but of course, that's the 'want' part of me, where i would ignore all consequences, just to enjoy myself.
everyone around me, would want me to take care of my back too.
thus dilemma is overwhelming.

i know i should just drop that passion and find something else,
but the truth is,
that passion is right there in your heart,
right where it grows within you,
the subconscious part of you that you are bonded with.
it's just not easy dropping a passion like that.

4 whole years of yearning to finally start cheering again.
when i finally had the chance,
reality smacks into my face and tells me,
NO, HELL NO YOU CAN'T, IN YOU FACE, BITCH!

thinking about it now just breaks my heart.
because the 2nd interest that comes in before cheer, would be dancing.
even it requires alot of movements.
yes, i can still dance,
but i can't do it hardcore.

the fact that i have to be constantly thinking about my backbone, just spoils the crap out of everything.
heck, i can't even sleep more than 8 hours per day,
i can't even sleep less than 8 hours a day,
i can't sit down too long,
i can't stand too long,
i can't carry heavy loads,
i can't walk for too long,
why?
because all these will lead to me having backaches.

i'm trying to be as strong as i can to push this matter aside,
as i know, this matter isnt a matter where its some kind of a super huge chaotic matter.
yes, i am aware of it.
i am only letting go of my frustrations.
and apparently, i am letting it all out, here.
i do apologise for that. =/

i have scoli, and i'm annoyed by the fact that i have scoli.
others who have severe scoli cases should have more difficulty than i have, right?
so why am i upset?
cause i don't know how to manage myself well.
that's just it.

sorry. ='(

there has been a slight change in my posting styles.
HAHA
if you do see a post ending with the
S.o @ time, date.
that, is posted from my phone.
thus i apologise for the weird typos that dont make sense sometimes,
because i am still not used to the touch screen typing sorta thingy.

speaking of which,
i got myself a proper handphone.
little did i know, i wanted to be like everyone else, having a phone equipped with a camera and internet excess.
and now, i have it.
didnt realise i havent give a name for my phone until a friend of mine asked.
haha. simply because i have a name for my special belongings,
my laptop, Baby.
my pink blanket, Blankey
and that yellow car i drive, Sunny.
and sooo~ i name my phone, G.
yeap. just one alphabet. G.
could've bring the meaning for Gaming, Guilt, and maybe Girls Generation.
Gaming cause it was meant for gaming.
Guilt is because it was the first feeling i had once i paid for it.
Girls Generation, well, it's just cause i love them, and their songs were the first to be transferred into my phone.
alright. BOASTING MOMENT!
you should just leave here if you have problems with people boasting for awhile.
=O
yes. i am mean.
i decided i have to be, otherwise i wouldnt have a proper life, thanks to them haters.
anyhow,
i got myself a white colours Xperia PLAY.
initially i didnt knew there was actually an existence of such phone.
i needed to get a phone anyways, the moment i saw it, i couldnt resist, so i got it.
after two hours of thinking throuhg.
i was in need of a phone, like seriously, otherwise i would take a much longer time to ponder around.
costs me almost half the price of Baby.
which made me guilty cause it was considered expensive for me.
Baby has so much more spec, but is only twice the price of G.
just felt a little wrong for me.
if it was 1/3 i guess it was still acceptable?
owh well.
it was quite worrying, cause i bought G, the day before i had to sit for my Biology paper.
honestly, i was distracted quite badly.
quite severely too.
HAHA
hey. it was confusing, new and interesting, of course it had my attention.
even got me giddy for the first two days i was using it. seriously.

hate the fact that it's battery dies out extremely fast.
bleah. i had to charge it like, everyday. sometimes twice per day too. =/
heavy internet user i am.

well. i am typing this from my laptop.
hopefully there isnt as many typos compared to the phone posts.
and it's distinctly different as my laptop posts are usually long but broken in many ways.
hehe. i like it like that. =D

alright. that's all from me.
=)
thank you for reading. <3

I am at a real cheer practise! Omg.
It has been years since I wanted to get my ass to one of these cheer practises. Well. The only problem I had back then was the fact that I had to travel long distances just to go for one cheer practise. Not only that, they only have these trainings during night time. It would really be difficult for me to go out, only reaching home when its dark. Especially when I'm a girl, who travels alone most of the time.

Pretty upsetting that it took me so long to finally come here. It is definitely a proper training for cheerleading. But now that I get to experience it, it is definitely rewarding. Despite me having really little knowledge about cheer, they seem to be determined to teach you what you needed to know about cheer. It definitely doesnt feel like how I felt like back when I was 13. Back then, if they feel frustrated, they just couldnt care about you, here, you just learn. They were that determined that you feel inspired to actually improve yourself.

I finally sweated properly this year. The last time I sweated was the time where I pushed myself to do some mountain hiking. That resulted with me having a minor headache. Today. Was pretty much hardcore. Slightly giddy, but I enjoyed every moment of it. I am learning to be a cheerleader again. Blissful peace I have in me, where it can be carried and implanted in my mind, forever.

Owh wait. But my aunt is worried about my backbone. I still have scoliosis. And that, might affect with the things I do in cheer, for I cant push myself too much, otherwise it'll ache.

Ahh. I'm getting my head all over cheer now. Funny thing is that they dont know us, we just left like we were invisible or some sort, cause everybody were busy doing their own things. This, is what pure training is like, I guess. And of course it takes time to blend in with the rest. For they would have that thought, 'oh, maybe they are just here for fun, they are not serious about it' and such. I do understand why they are feeling so. Well, change would be difficult. I do feel slightly bad for just popping in out of nowhere, and getting first class treatment from the captain. He was doing his job really well, just like how a captain should be like.

I have a dream where I could get my own cheer outfit, with the name Rebels on it, proudly performing alongside these people. Yeap. Dream. Goodness knows where the future will bring me. Fingers crossed, if I do get the chance to study un Australia, they would have a cheer squad in that uni. =O

Haha! I'm going too far in this. Though I have some obstacles to ram over, if I do want to fulfill that longful dream of mine. First, would be my aunt. Next, my back. Third, distance. The 'getting to know them' part can come later, when I can prove myself to be loyal and to be as determined, to be one of them. =)

Today, I am a happy girl. =)

S.o @ 10.53pm, 9th Nov 2011

Here ye here ye
I have math exam in about 6hours time from now. Boy. I am definitely not getting enough sleep, not until chemistry is done with. Chem and math are my most feared subject if the 5 subjects I have taken in ausmat. Though I am still wondering, why did I take the harder math when I could actually taken the easier one. And honestly saying, thank goodness I took this math. Math had always been my weakest subject of all the subjects I took, high school and even now. Since the math that I took is the harder one, it makes me a little comforted that its alright for me to be doing badly. Hehe. And I could also imagine myself being really helpless if I had taken the easier math. Simply because my level of understanding of math is just nonexistent. If I had taken the easier math, I would have thrashed myself to a much higher level than I am now. For I have the chance where I can say, "maths CD, its the harder math compared to yours." in a probable arrogant yet frustrated manner that we could not solve our questions when we could actually help them out with theirs.

I, have no connection with math whatsoever. But because I didnt lol the fact that I was constantly doing bad for math, I made sure I learnt properly. And in my language of math, only I understand what I understand, cause I am in a league where I have no rights to stand next to these people at all.

We see the AB students in general, asking CD students for help with their questions. Since my math was that bad, I never bothered trying to see how it was like doing AB questions. So one day, some random ausmat student came up to me, "are you from ausmat? Can you help us with this math question?", "erh, I take CD though?", "its okay! Its AB question, it is very easy."
Immediately I was wondering, 'oh, if I cant get this right, I'll be embarrassing myself', and I saw that they really seemed confused with their question, I decided to help.

Lo and behold. The questions had answers given within the question already, only left was some analysing. It got me going, 'what? That is it? Crap!' . But then again, I have no rights in criticising in such manner, I take it back. =X
I was really suffering with my math then. Courage to even take up a math question without assistant would be near impossible. =/

My eyes are killing me.

It is also actually harder for them to score because their subject is a pulled down subject, just like my bio. It is supposed early, that their scales for scoring is that high. Thus, makes it much harder for them to score. =/

Fingers crossed, this would be my last math examination that I'll ever have to take. =X

S.o @ 3.13an, 8th Nov 2011.

Well hello there. Today would be my firsts for a few things.
Firstly, it would have to be the fact that i, had not been sleeping for the past almost twenty hours now. And I am pretty sure, it is the icecream that had caused me to be in such state. There could also be a reason where I am actually worried for my math, that I could not find gut to sleep, thinking about the precious time I have wasted.

Talking about time wasted, I had done alot of nonsense where I could have actually used it to study instead. I had icecream, as mentioned earlier, at about two am. And the flavour was non other than GREENTEA. Well. That first feeling I had when I had my first bite, wad heavenly. To a point where I was so happy that I wad beaming to myself. Little did I know, the effect lasted me the whole night long. I am seriously tired. Eyes sore and all. But I just cant sleep.

Well. That moment when I was eating my icecream, it really felt really good. It was peaceful and blissful. Nothing I would have imagined feeling at such time with my encounters with food. Bleah. Tired.

And lastly. It feels really weird knowing I have actually stayed up the whole night. Whole. Night. When the sun went down and up again. Omg.

I am dead tomorrow. =X

Owh. And I played tf2 with my bro. For owned like mad by him. Haha. Yeah. I aint no pro. =P

Til then. =)

S.o @ 6.38am, 8th Nov 2011.

Oh. I'm blogging from my phone for the first time too. Heh!

it's november,
and it's two months away from the start of a whole new year.
which also hints that my birthday is coming!
yeap. beginning of the years always mark that my birthday is around the corner.
i am absolutely jealous of those who were born in the month of november and december. i am a whole ten months older than these people are.
two months short of me being a whole year older than them, which doesnt really make much difference, does it?

but then again, it also marks the end of the current year.
other than it marking the comings of a whole bunch of december babies, where their birthday celebrations are normally the grandest due to their long wait that they are FINALLY LEGAL. =/

and here i am sitting in front my my desktop,
talking about something random, while complaining about birthdays.
heh.
alright, let's get into business.
it's almost the end of the year,
and there is alot that i have to plan, to make sure that my year would end normally.
so that i would not have any regrets when it comes to the beginning of the new year.
and for now, i have a few things to do that i have to accomplish before the end of the year.
mind you, two months is not long,
it is indeed the shortest period ever when you have to use these remaining month wisely.
wisely.
literally wisely.

it wasnt until last year that i realise the importance of the last two months of the year before the beginning of the new year.
last year, i was determined to get my ass into college,
college resumes on the first week of january itself.
there wasnt much time to celebrate since it was an early course.
oops.
i was torn between AusMat and SAM.
i spent the whole month thinking, which would be the best, for i did not want to elapse into a year of regret.
for this level in college would have been the most important part of life... as of now that is.
and then there were outings with high school buddies, just to keep the bonding there, for we knew when the year begins, we wouldnt have that much of a facetime with each other anymore.

this year however,
it would have to be similar with the previous year,
where i would have to gather all my necessary information and such in preparation to apply for the universities, where ever i could land my luck on.
and also, since AusMat is only a one year program, this last two months would have to be filled with activities for our last chance to hang out with each other before we depart to our own separate ways for the future.
would also need to go visit my mom again.
being a filial daughter all this while, being having the freedom to have a decision whereby i could fly alone to my mom's and stay with her for as long as i can, at least i'm doing something i should be doing.
a filial child i am. =/

i apologise for my weird sense of writing this time around,
i have no clue what has gotten into me.
=X

hi.

i'm still coughing like nobody's business.
if coughing is still considered as me being sick, then i have been sick for the whole week already.

today will be a random post about my day,
for i wish not to forget this day for as long as i can remember,
today, it the day, where i am confused.

quite retardedly, i am actually confused almost every second available,
but like i said, i, want to type this out, in memories of today, for i do not wish to forget this day.

well, in a way, i'm actually using this as an excuse for me to compose something,
just to practise my language skills as i have an english examination coming up this thursday.

let's begin with today, shall we? =)

well, today is the first day of my WACE examination
and it begins with a biology paper.
bio is my favourite subject.
despite whatever that happens, it will remain as my favourite subject. IT WILL!! =X
and so, my nervousness shone brightly amongst the smog of calmness.
was really worried that i would be late for my paper that i rushed my way though everything.
i forgotten that i had already packed my purse in my bag,
i forgotten to bring water along with me to college,
i forgotten to bring my jacket along with me to college,
because i was so afraid that i would freeze to death,
i actually went home just to get my jacket.
through all those panicky moments, it got me in a state where i was much more panicked than i was supposedly was.
even that last sentence didn't make sense. =O
but anyhow, it was a good thing that i did not take the wheels to college today,
i would most probably get involved in an accident and would turn up late for my exam anyways, maybe i won't be able to turn up at all.
thanks for being in a panicked state, i couldn't really focus.

and the clock hit 1.30pm,
it was time for us to wait outside the doors towards hell... more like a freezer.
it used to be a freezer, but not anymore, they figured out how to control the coldness of the hall now. =D
hrm...
but anyhow, i was that confused that i almost forgotten my own table when i entered the hall.
we were given a super thick yellow book as our examination paper and also a piece of green paper, one small blue card and also a piece of sticker with our own information on it.
what got me interested was the green piece of paper.
for the whole ausmat course, we were stressed by the lecturers, telling us to shade properly with pencils, and also filling our names up at the specific column.
some of us even have marks deducted just because we forgotten to fill up our names at the designated columns.
and what turns out was,
our details were all printed readily for us to simply peel off the sticker and pasting it on our book.
all that was left to do, was to rewrite our student id, both in numbers and spellings of the numbers.
and the green sheet of paper?
we have been shading oblong shapped spaces with 2B/HB pencils,
but this time, we were to shade tiny squares with either black or blue pen.
due to inexperience we have, i believe shading with PEN is rather queer and takes a tad bit of extra time for the careful shadings to be done.
i am not complaining, i actually find it really fascinating. =D
*see why i don't want to forget this day? =P*

and lo and behold,
wait.
i'm not there yet.
it is also the first time that the invigilators will go through each page, slowly mentioning the beginning few words and the last few words of the particular page, just to make sure we all had the same paper.
how considerate.
unlike SPM, we were to flip through ours books of question, just to check if we have enough pages. HAHAHAH.
those days.
and then as soon as we were done flipping through, we had to close it and place it in front of us.
here, we were given READING TIME! yeay!
it gives us an extra ten minutes to look through the questions to have a good grasp of it, and then probably we could vomit whatever we knew without troubles.
really considerate. =)

but the thing is, why does the exam have to be so long?
=O
i get hungry easily, what am i to do? =/

but anyhow,
it was time to preceed with the questions.
i decided to spend some time speed reading through the questions on the 2nd section first before going back to visual answer questions on the 1st section.
i believe this was my first mistake, one that had cost me alot. *this will be explained sometime later in this post. =) *
the questions were somewhat tough.
questions that require one to think through before answering the question,
before making sure that the answer written would be the right one,
because there is barely enough time for you to check back.
three hours, and it was still not enough.
haha. insane.
so there were a few questions that still lingered in my mind,
causing me to have debates over and over again until this very moment,
- what are the two purposes of using DNA microarray.
here was my reaction : whaaaaattttt???????!!!!?!?!?!
initially the question came with a small description on PCR and DNA microarray, the first question under that description was regarding PCR, and of course, a question would be asked on DNA microarray.
but there was a problem.
i have NEVER seen or heard that term anywhere before.
it never hit my mind what on earth it was and also what it could be used for.
even had to googled for it when i got home.
turns out it was related to 'probes'.
=/

then there was another question
- organisms with large Surface Area / Volume ratio had its advantages and disadvantages in arid areas.
we were to describe how so.
i answered that question with breeze.
but two to three questions after that, popped up another question related to SA/V ratio, which got me into a standstill.
- large mammals are able to stay in the sun for long periods of time, but small mammals would have to hide when it's hot.
this question made me doubt my answer for that previous question,
i was debating against myself for a good 3-5 minutes, just deciding on which thought was right, and which was wrong.
here, would be my mistake number 2.
=/

and so i was done with section 1 and 2, i'm left with section 3,
a total of 4 essays, worth 15 marks each.
third mistake, spending too much time pondering on how to answer the questions.

all those mistakes summed up to a total loss of 15 marks,
simply because i didn't have enough time to even start with my 4th essay.
and because i saw that noone was collecting the book and sheet from my row yet,
i took the opportunity to try to write at least a few sentence to gain back some marks,
at least it's not a whole of 15 marks lost just like that.
but seriously, if i wasn't lucky enough to do that, i would probably be toast.
the moment i wanted to start on my fourth essay, the moment the invigilator announced for us to put our pens down.
i was in a state of shock that i couldnt even start with my last essay.
serious shock..

ahh.
there goes bio.