So... I have been really lost lately. As much as I tried to stay positive, I just can't. Too much crap is happening, and everything is out of place. I know it is all in me. If I could just stop worrying, things would be fine. But I cant do that.

Things are just different now. I mean. It is such a blow that I cant even stand on my own two feet, feeling and thinking that everything will be alright. How can it possibly be alright when nothing seems repairable at this stage.

Its a whirlpool of chaos. I cant get my head straight. I dont even know what to do. All the things just vanished into thin air as though it never existed in the first place. Why? Why? WHY?!

I hate being in this state, for I dont even know what I want. I cant do what I could normally do anymore. Just feels like I am impaired somehow. Life just seems unworthy of living now.

Watched the season finale of greys season 6 last night. It got me crying. It would have to be the first time I cry over a tv series or even movie, other than those involving dogs dying... Yeah. That. It was showing how a massacre had happened in the hospital where people were dying. They captured scenes of those who were dying. I dont know why, but it got me really emotional. Probably its cause I had images of me dying, leaving the world in peace. But I guess dying itself is not at all that peaceful.

It still depends on the life of others who are still alive. People have the instincts to survive. Even when the environment threatens to kill you, the body is that magnificent that it finds ways to ensure that you, get out of there alive.

But what if you are destined to die? That, would be one that I am prepared for. Death is something that is unavoidable, if you were to die, you will die, if you were not supposed to die, you wont die. You cant control it. You cant say, you wanna die and come back alive. You only have one life.

And that one life is so priceless that you cant exactly pay to have a life. You pay, to give yourself an opportunity to have a life. You, are the one who determines what life is about. You choose life to be bitter, it is your choice. You choose life to be fabulous, it is your choice.

No one can tell you how to live your own life. It is YOUR life, not theirs.

I know its rather contradicting with what is happening to me. Frankly saying, I just feel lost. I am at a point where I dont see the worthiness of living my life. It seems crushed somehow. But I'll pick myself up, somehow, someday. And when I do, I'll be looking back at this day, laughing at it.

S.o @ 2.07pm, 13th Nov 2011