knowing how much i love to do cheerleading,
and you expect me to just sit down aside and just watch as others hop and prance around?
just because i have scoli, it just prohibits me from doing what i loved.
in a way, i have to change my points of interest, just to look away from the fact that i can't hop and prance around like the others could.
at this point of time, i really wish i had not know that my scoli existed in the first place,
otherwise i would just continue doing whatever i loved, and just suck up whatever pain that might be caused on me, but still doing it.
simply because i love what i do.
and that, i would not have any regrets, or dilemma, similar to the one i am facing right now.

it just icks me that the fact that for the one thing that could bring such joy to me, could not be further pursued.

and if you're asking me to get my scoli fixed, before doing what i want to do,
chances are, it could just get back to it's original shape as it is, or might even get worse if i were hardcore in what i do.


the fact that i know of my scoli,
i have to be constantly be aware of what i do,
just to prevent it from curving back to it's originally discovered state, or even deteriorate, or even to hurt me.
hah.
it just sounds like my body is hurting my by itself.

well, the only reason why i am posting such intense post is simply because,
it finally does feels like my scoli condition has been costing me my life.
literally,
though there may be many gazillion other things that i could find interest in,
but the interest has to be there in the first place,
you cant just go by saying, "oh, this is interesting, okay!" and then finding yourself being forced to like it simply because you don't want to get that thought of your initial interest in you mind, where it would just break you, into pieces, literally.

i am upset.
for when i told my auntie, that i wanted to go for a cheer practise,
she took sometime to respond to me,
it was different, as before this, i could just inform her that i'll be going out, and she's fine with it,
but not this time,
i somehow felt it was a reasonable thing to inform her that i wanted to go for a cheer practise.
well, of course, she was concerned about my backbone,
yet she knew i was really interested in cheer still,
so she hasitated, didn't say no, didn't say yes either.
and i too knew that i should be aware of my backbone, as i am unable to make proper decisions on my own from time to time.
i had to ask her the next morning, where she finally approved of me going for the training session,
but i told her, i would be just sitting at a corner, watching them.
well, there was no way i was to just sit and watch, cause i was very much interested, and so, i joined in.
regret not taken.
for it was what i wanted to experience ever since i could not cheer anymore.
the passion had never died in me,
but i knew i could not participate, somehow.
and i am right.

it is a debate on whether i should just ignore my back and go ahead with what i want to do,
or
drop that passion and take good care of my back.
honestly, i would rather take the first option.
but of course, that's the 'want' part of me, where i would ignore all consequences, just to enjoy myself.
everyone around me, would want me to take care of my back too.
thus dilemma is overwhelming.

i know i should just drop that passion and find something else,
but the truth is,
that passion is right there in your heart,
right where it grows within you,
the subconscious part of you that you are bonded with.
it's just not easy dropping a passion like that.

4 whole years of yearning to finally start cheering again.
when i finally had the chance,
reality smacks into my face and tells me,
NO, HELL NO YOU CAN'T, IN YOU FACE, BITCH!

thinking about it now just breaks my heart.
because the 2nd interest that comes in before cheer, would be dancing.
even it requires alot of movements.
yes, i can still dance,
but i can't do it hardcore.

the fact that i have to be constantly thinking about my backbone, just spoils the crap out of everything.
heck, i can't even sleep more than 8 hours per day,
i can't even sleep less than 8 hours a day,
i can't sit down too long,
i can't stand too long,
i can't carry heavy loads,
i can't walk for too long,
why?
because all these will lead to me having backaches.

i'm trying to be as strong as i can to push this matter aside,
as i know, this matter isnt a matter where its some kind of a super huge chaotic matter.
yes, i am aware of it.
i am only letting go of my frustrations.
and apparently, i am letting it all out, here.
i do apologise for that. =/

i have scoli, and i'm annoyed by the fact that i have scoli.
others who have severe scoli cases should have more difficulty than i have, right?
so why am i upset?
cause i don't know how to manage myself well.
that's just it.

sorry. ='(