The moment when I thought I was strong enough to face it, reality gave me a slap right into my face, telling me that I still wasnt strong enough.

What the mind tells is what the mind will do. It's all in the mind, as people say. Honestly, it is much easier said than done. Not only courage is needed, a whole lot of mental preparation is needed and a whole lot of support is really that necessary.

Yet we all strive for the best, we hold on to that smallest glimmer of hope we have. To some, it may seem non-existant, but the fact that it was still there, was already comforting enough. It is practically the only reason to why we have that strength to go even when everything was unlikely.

I'd like to keep memories in my head. Keeps me feeling like I have them in my mind as fresh as possible. For I know sometimes, I'd regret that I let go of that memory a little too soon. I guess I'd rather hurt than to regret. Who knows if those precious moments will be your last. By right, every passing moment will never repeat itself. And every coming moment that we face, will bring a whole different outcome altogether. Never the exact same one, similar maybe, but never the same.

Somehow I thought by recalling such memories could actually allow easy recall of the memory sometime in the future. Something I learned from my psychology class during AusMat. Yet, this is still debatable... provided if someone had gone through some insane thinking and come up with a whole new theory by itself. Heh.

What if some memories are not worth being remembered? What if your focus had cause you to focus on something that is less important than the important one? Well, I don't know. All I know is that I have visuals flashing through my mind whenever I had free moments to spare. It usually brings me into that feeling, 'ah, that happened before.' slightly emotional sometimes. But they were definitely good memories, memories that would allow me to feel like my past was a magnificent one. Giving me that spirit to decide properly, to continue that legacy of magnificent memories. =)

for a way of who i am, do i really need to explain myself?

a lost of identity, confusion and the uncertainty of who i am. when i think i am one, i turn out to be the other. what i think is normally based on what others think, little did i realise, i would get angry and would try to explain myself for the way i am. problem is, you can't control what people think of you, and i on the other hand, gets really sensitive when people talk nasty things about me, eventhough they may be good ones, where they have the intention of making me a better person. but as a person, 19 years alive with all those past i have, it was definitely something really difficult to comprehand with.

i would have to say that i am insecure. i listen to what people have to say about me really attentively, especially from my friends. as though i have built a thick bubble of protection around my head, i tend to absorb everything, but i would depend on the bubble from not erupting my true self. somesort like it. i would normally have psychotic thoughts and would normally blame myself first. i occassionally need help from someone who is sane, to listen to my abnormally insane thoughts. i have always wanted to go for a psychologist or somesort, and when i tell them to normal people, they would give me that, 'what the hell for?' look. which then strengthens the fact that they think i am insane.

i try not to find people when i am in trouble, i figured it would be better if i could solve them myself and not bother anyone. sometimes i take other people's problems and make them my own, which naturally causes me to think more than i should. it is sort of dumb for me to that, but it is something i would do as me. i've always felt like there would be no one out there who would understand what i am going through. silly, but sometimes i do feel so. as i choose not to tell it to the world. for that fear of what people would think of me in return. it is rather heartbreaking. and when i have friends whom i feel as though they were trapped as i was, i try to help them, telling them they are not alone.

fact is, almost everyone have problems of their own.
the reason why everyone has different thoughts on different scenarios, it is only the general feeling that we all have that we all share that keeps us feeling rather... safe. not lonely.

beating myself up would be a norm. that fear never seems to fade. and how people portray me is just horrifying. one would tell me i am such, when the fact, i was not at all. simply said, people just say things they feel like saying, thus creating a whole fuss out of it. stupid of me to actually absorb it all, but i do that, and i torture myself because i don't know how else am i supposed to be, for i can't see who i am, and all i want to do is improve myself for the better. parents and friends have different mindsets, it confuses me to the point where i wish i could just dig my brains out, and just end my life there and then.

ending my life is selfish, i know. and i figured, that maybe by distracting myself with other things would help me live another day. dying is by luck, even if you try to murder yourself, when it isnt your time to die, YOU WON'T DIE!

some might even say that i am only trying to get attention by being so low on myself, hoping someone would take pity of me and such. see, even that sentence is about 'what others are seeing or thinking' and it is rarely about what i sincerely think. i want to be accepted. i want attention. is that too much to ask for? i am neurotic with my actions, because i am daring, and i have nothing to lose. i make fun of myself, make myself the laughing 'thing' for people.

sometimes i try too hard to impress and eliminate the negative thoughts of me, i lose myself when i do that. it gets tiring. i think too much. i am aware of that. that is one way i have learned to be myself. i learnt to listen to what people have to say. what am i doing wrong?

have never stopped to think that i am at wrong. whenever a problem occurs, when it is me who is involved, it is an automatic response for me to blame myself first. because i realise when things turn wrong, blaming had always been the first thing that comes out from ones mouth. and they would blame others before they blame themselves, eventhough in my eyes, the observer, sees the fault clearly was the blaming one. humans have always been complicating. reason why i took up psychology. by right, it should make me want to learn more about them, but as the classes passed, there were not any answers answered directly to me, it just seems like a whole branch of problems all over again. categorising people into several groups, and then to be argued by another psychologist that it was a whole different crap to begin with. i got more confused. as a human, i got more confused.

i hate humans. i am honest as hell. i hate humans. watching the kardashian sisters just made my head feeling much more heavier than it was, wondering how it was possible that humans could actually behave in such manner when everything was right there, with solutions where everything like that could be avoided in the first place. it confuses me that people could actually be like that. then it made me realise there was nothing to be done about how people behave, how people think, how they live their lives, how they make their decisions. it would just make me go insane.

i thought by learning about people, determining which is wrong, and which is right, would make me create whom i would be seen as a normal person. there is not one person in the world who is perfect. just the random variety of humans.

the world around me meant the most to me.
i learnt to build myself from the rest.
getting crazy along the way.
i hate who i am.
it is torturing.
i can't stop either.
i don't know what to do.

"too focused on expressing yourself, abandoning me"

Now to think of it. I do agree with what had happened. And I believe it is me, my behaviour that has caused this matter to occur. Now to think of it, I believe this is what my mother and aunt is experiencing.

I havent been talking to people quite normally for the past few weeks. It was only me, talking mentally to my blogposts, or chatting online with friends. Honestly, most of it were false expressions. With a solemn expressionless face over on this end, while I send out some smileys that would sound like the normal me is talking. Somehow, it came to me that I had some difficulty expressing myself in person. Feeling rather constricted, one method I could express myself freely, would be by writing. Writing itself takes me an approximate one hour or more. Short writing doesnt really work these days. And blogposts are increasing by the day.

It gets worrying. My mother and aunt are now annoyed with the fact that I am constantly on my phone, either chatting, composing or gaming away. My life seems to be as dull and emo as ever. There does not seem to be anything else I would rather do than to sit alone, think of a topic and compose something. There were tons for me to do, yet I choose to delay, delaying it to the very last minute as possible, and getting scolded all over again.

There is this one thing about me. When I get focused into something, I couldnt bother less about anything else. One would be reading. For I know, when I get my hands into some good reading material, I could just sit there for hours, reading. Now, it's writing. It felt like I had tons to talk about, yet I could only get them out in words, and not verbally. It felt as though there wasnt any point talking anymore at one point. Somewhat like whatever I say would be worth nothing. And it works best when I have them down in words instead.

"you always say people dont understand you"

Simply cause I choose not to mention them. For I fear arguements. And when arguements take place, blaming follows tightly behind it. People like me, would take all the blame, just to stop the arguement from going on. Yet deep down, knowing that it wasnt your fault at all, and thus having that uneasy feeling for god knows when. Yeah. I may be talking about myself. But this is what I am feeling right as this moment. I choose not to trouble others with my thoughts and opinions. Do I want people to understand me? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Yes, because it allows me to talk freely without being judged. No, because I tend to get a little too demanding at times and it WILL annoy people; things I say would not be accepted, interpreted to something else.

"you gotta be more honest with yourself from now on"

Trying.
If you find me fake with my emotions as a person, well, it's your opinion, no arguements on that. But I am as happy as I can, taking things positively as much as I can, smiling, laughing, making a fool out of myself, pushing my problems and worries far off behind me. I do that. With those problems being pushed aside, they never fail to take over my emotions and pull me over to the darkside once in a while. I need to have my down moments too. Bottling up is how I lie to myself, that everything will be alright. It normally works. Lying to myself does not feel like a sin, yet, does this mean I am actually lying to the world too? Hrmm.

"you always portray an image where people would pity you"

Taking pity from others, is a sin to me. I hate that fact when people tell me that I make people pity me and also when people do pity me. Am I creating myself an image just to get people to pity me to get attention? Maybe some of you do agree, is it cause I managed to get your attention in that manner. Some may even tell me, my posts are all emotional based that will make my readers pity me. Maybe you are right after all. I write according to my feelings in all honesty. Whatever that comes to mind, it pours out here, and I wish to share them. I wish people could change the pity into something that would make me change myself whereby I need not to be pitied by people. Or just listen to me and not judge me.

"you stupid"

Yeah. I know. How I wish it was not true. How many hearts have I broken, with the fact that I am stupid. As much as I try, I can never change that fact. Maybe I can cover up by getting myself to learn more about things, but I will always be lacking of something. And that something will be the cause of the heartbreaks. Especially for my mother and my aunt. Tears from their eyes would be the best evident with the reality if such fact. As much as I try to pretend that I am not stupid, evidence is right there in front of everyone's eyes, would pretty much be living in denial for the rest of my life.

"when people tell you things you dont listen, when will you ever learn?"

I listen, I hear, I understand. Yet it is only applicable when I start to experience it on my own. I am hard headed, probably one of the most stubborn person anyone you have ever encountered. That way, I know I'll take a bigger hit on the things I am actually experiencing. I may look like I am not listening, but I am.

Honestly, I could sense that they are really worried about me being on my own, and it is making me feel upset too. I try to pretend not to listen, giving them the sense as though I am seriously prepared to be on my own, little did I realise, I had failed, yet feeling even more upset as I know what I did was actually making them even more worried.

Stubbornness is killing me at this point. Yet I need to keep being stubborn in order to keep myself brave enough to face aussie on my own. Cause right now, with them being worried, I am beginning to doubt myself.

Have totally lost my appetite for food. Even good food doesnt work anymore. Binge eating only worked when I just want to distract myself into doing something, that would not worry them.

I don't even know what am I supposed to do anymore. Whatever I do these days just makes them worry even more. Just when I got back from macau, my aunt cried, when my mom told her about me not eating and was constantly on the phone and related with me headed to Australia. Then, just recently, I made my mom cry. For the same things. For all I did expressing my thoughts on my phone and ignored the world.

Right now, I just reached my 2nd hour of composing.

All I wanted is to relax and not do anything, but I had elapsed into a person who chooses to hide from the world, refusing to move forward, despite the new year.

I got myself confused. Sometimes, I just dont know what is it that I want. I hate the fact that I am thinking too much about almost everything. Even petty stuffs that does not need to be thought of, it just sticks in my mind like somekind of tumour or some sort.

Have been rather emotional lately. With all that overwhelming feelings of crying, yet held on tight. There isnt any reason for my to cry, really. But the slightest things that gets into my heart, would just make my heart feel extremely heavy.

Notice the amount of times the word 'feel' had been appearing in this post itself. I have feelings, that I cant express. I wish I can. But as of now, writing it out would be the only way for me to do so.

I should stop.

P/s, I love you.

of selfishness.

we all are selfish in a way, buried deep down in our souls. whether we like it or not, we all are still selfish people. it only depends on how we project our selfish self to the world.

*am not too sure if i have come across this topic before, but i guess i will just go ahead with it. =)*

with selfishness, we opened ourselves to different possibilities. the main reason why some people would have to sacrifice almost everything in order to succeed in whatever that was intended to do. little did we know, we would be deemed as selfish when we make a decision to focus on that particular thing that we were to do. simple example would be portrayed when i took up the decision on travelling to australia to study Zoology. if one stops to ponder on this, it is actually one very selfish thing to do. first of all, it costs alot, and a career that comes after did not guarantee me a good income. selfishness of that is that i was practically leeching money off my mother's belt in order to do something that I WANTED TO DO.

arguements may come about, debating that, 'it is your future, it should be something that you want to do, you can always give the money back later'. which can be quite true. in retrospect, i would have to restrict my mother from spending money on herself, as she has to save those money just for me to study. honestly? i asked her if i was selfish, she had not hasitate to tell me that i was selfish that i was literally leeching her dry just to study.
another one? 'why not pick the uni that costs less?'. why did i not? i could probably save tons if i were to do that. as a defending statement, i would say it is because the education is as expensive as how the price is. don't get me wrong, i did opt for the cheaper cost, but if the best had accepted you, would you not pick the best one? it is similar to the cases where you choose to buy things, we see the things with better quality end up the pricier ones, and would normally end up with the 2nd best. on occasion cases, these 2nd best does not ALWAYS end up as good as the first one. but then again, it only depends on the individual. 2nd best still works BEST for some of us. it still does.

i admit, i am selfish with my decision. but if you were to speak to me about selfishness, i would probably tell you that the best option is to STOP STUDYING AND START WORKING.

*just as i was talking about selfishness, my brother just took the fan away and faced it towards him, now i'm heating up on the other side of the room. do you really want to argue with me on this one?*

though we may be selfish little bastards walking around amongst every other selfish bastards, there are times where we should learn to be selfless. and that, would be the best thing to do, it is somewhat of a good deed for the mankind. yeah, we are selfish, but if we do get selfless from time to time, i don't see how is it a bad thing to be selfish once in a while. at least it would calm yourself down when people attempt to bomb you with harsh comments, saying how selfish you are, would probably just make you go, 'really? you call me selfish? what about those other selfless things that i have done? why don't you try scolding me for being selfless then?'. ah. sweet revenge. even if you don't say that, what works best is what you feel in you. as long as you know what you did, then why worry? ;)

i try to be as selfless as i can, but once someone tells me how selfish i am, it does get into my nerves. one that would probably be the most stubborn memory that will haunt me until i get it solved. learning how to accept it, would be a start. learning to change and be a selfless person would be the next. okay, maybe not selfless, let's say, KIND! yeap. sounds much more pleasing, yeah? ;)

being kind is never a hard thing to do. what stops us is the fact that we think that others would be doing the kindness and there was no need for us to be kind. if you can think that way, what makes you think that others won't think the same way? it is only a matter of effort that we put into things we do. the slightest and the smallest kindness we do, would actually carry on a long way. if kindness was done to you, wouldn't you feel a tad bit special and touched at it? why not pass it on when you can, imagining that the others would get to experience that special kindness feeling you had. soon enough, we would see the whole world being KIND PEOPLE!.

such kindness immediately cancels out any selfish claims anyone could possibly speak of. it even overshadows it completely when done full heartedly. even then, any selfish decisions you made, would not even match up to the kindness that you have for others.

VAIN!
maybe. all i wanted to do is to share with you, my fellow readers the importance of kindness and how selfishness is only one silly thing humans can do to hurt each other's feelings and so on. yet we can't stop people from saying what they want to say, and the only way to overcome that, is for our internal self to accept things as they are. somewhat like the paparazzis constantly going on and on about the negative sides of the celebrities when they were all gossips to begin with.

okay. i am getting confused with what i am saying.
i should stop here.

owh, and be kind. it's good for your soul. <3

Stress. I wouldnt normally use this word much often, and well, since I am already using it here, might as well I release everything I feel compressed inside of me for all this while. Question, why compress when you can actually choose not to do so? I guess it is one way where I keep my thoughts to myself and only release it in a small amount, probably just the icing when the batter overflows, just to keep myself composed for the next straw.

My sister is getting married. It is a blissful event for sure, but to ensure that it will be flawless, tons are needed to be done, prepared and checked. Since I am the closest and easiest for my sister to reach, and with me looking at her fussing around, it felt like it was necessary for me to help her out in whatever way I could. No, I am not saying I am reluctant, but it is rather hard for me to listen to her requests when there was so much going in my head. Thus, with a slight change of impromptu plans, it would really get me off my cool and I would really blow up. This time, it would be my first time actually arguing back with my sister. And I would actually win. I guess it is cause she understood that I was going through quite abit recently. Yes, I understand that I should be tolerating, expecting that she is the one who is much more nervous than me, but there are times where I just can't control myself no longer. I do feel bad for any misbehaves I had done, and I have nothing I can do to reverse those actions of mine, but I guess what is left for me to do is probably calm myself down at least by a little, before carrying on with my next task.

What other things that could possibly cause me so much tension when it was the week where joy spills around into everyone's hearts? My exam results was about to be released in the midst of the celebration. Hand in hand with that would be me, making my decision on which uni I should be going to for the following year. Deciding in a uni would be a considerably hard thing for me to do, as I was still unsure which uni would be the best for me. And the question that goes around wondering whether I would have sufficient atar to be accepted to the uni. Prior to the release of the results, I had three unconditional offer already. Which had me in a slight relieve, allowing me to have a breather or two that I may have secured myself a spot in the Australian unis.

And then there was this question where I had to decide between Melbourne and Tasmania. Honestly saying, I had my heart telling me to go for Tasmania. Yes, the image given to me were all about how it is lonely and quiet there, with minimal entertainment and also the difficulty even trying to get to Tasmania. And they were also giving me how Melbourne is much better, without being too direct either. Melbourne had much of the upper side compared to Tasmania, no doubt. Yet, something about Tasmania was winning me over Melbourne. And this debate is still running up til today. And so happen, my results was 0.5 atar short of the requirement for monash in Melbourne, it gives me much more thoughts than I already had. Monash was my 1st choice, 2nd was Tasmania, but questions and thoughts about me had pushed La Trobe and Tasmania into a battle of its own kind. It is still a tough one. =/

Choosing a uni is difficult, getting a visa to aussie is another problem. My worried sister had yet to stop pestering me on getting my visa done. Well, seemingly that my sem begins by end of Feb, I really had to rush to get things done if I really do want to get there. Why I choose Australia? I like it there. Its calming and is totally different from what we experience here in Malaysia. And besides, it is about time that I have to begin to take control of my own life. It is enough that I have been a bothersome one to this family I have lived with for the past 16 years of my life. It is time that I leave. I am not a slight bit scared with the fact that I will be on my own. I am only worried that I wont be able to focus on my studies with my wild emotions, practically killing me. So yes, I need to mentally prepare myself for whatever I am facing when I am finally there. I really do believe this part is necessary.

Next, family issues. Owh. It isnt that much, really. It just gets me to have even more thoughts that I believe, would make me go crazy someday in the future. Partly the reason why I wanted to leave. Then there would not be as much conflict as there is now. I could prevent myself from listening to thoughts and opinions that I do not wish to listen to when it is evident it would only make me even more confused. Here, is an example of how I goes things. My mother had bought me two dresses costing of a total 2000 hkd. I told my auntie when I got home, for I was concern about my mother's spending habits. But when the purchasing was done, I felt like I could not say no, for my mom looked happy and which goddamned daughter would like to spoil their mother's happy moment especially when they rarely get to meet? Okay. Then when I was back, it was understood by my auntie that my mom only knew how to be spendrift and is never thinking about saving. Honestly, I had a personal talk with my mother about this issue, and we both even shed tears talking about it, so yes, I understand what is happening. And what understand could not be told to my aunt because she would not have listened to me in anyway at all, for I knew she had her own thought set already. Nothing could actually change that thought.

Lol. That was a long paragraph. But I am not done. So when she came to know about the 2k dresses, she had been using it against me whenever I do a little spending on my own. God forbid, money had been such an issue since I came to knew about things that I find it extremely difficult to even spend on my own. The only way I could enjoy myself without a pinch of guilt when I spend my money, is on food. Food had brought me joy and I would like to keep it that way for as long as I can. Because I know spending felt like a forbidden thing to do, with every dollar I spend, I would think, hrmm... is this worth it? Thus, the hatred towards people who mention, "aiya, you rich ma, nevermind!" really makes me feel like plunging not only one punch into their faces, it would be me having imaginations where I could cut a line across their stomachs and pulling their intestines out. Lol. Sorry. Abit too gory. But yeah. In all honesty, I am sadistic. =/

Which then brings me back to the fact that I am headed for Australia to study. How I wish I could stop people from using the 'rich' label when I tell them I am actually going to aussie. It is as though people needed to be rich kids to be able to study overseas and all. First of all, I have a passion for animals and Australia is one country that could provide me with sufficient education that could feed my desire to learn them. Zoology. There is no way I could study it here in Malaysia. Especially when everybody thinks that your only job when you graduate from a zoology degree, is to work in the zoo. Looking at how terrible our own zoo is, does it not leave you with a clearer image on why I could not study zoology here in Malaysia? Damn you people. Besides. There had been alot of difficulties, tons of arguements and bucketful of tears that had to be gone through just to get to where I am here today, a hopeful to be able to have a freakin chance to study in Australia. And why on earth did I even take ausmat if I wasn't headed for Australia? And I could have taken SAM, which is slightly pricier compared to AusMat. Rich? Go eat shit please.

Oh cool. It had turned into a rage post. Very good. Even the sarcasm is about to come in play in this awesome rage post. I am still not done. I was in a relationship for less than a month. And I have tons to talk about. Just a reminder, if this is getting tiring for you, you can stop now and free yourself from a continuous rage that I am about to get in with. In all respect and appreciation, thank you for even reading until this far. I'm sorry for the rage. ><

Here it goes. He was a guy whom I never had the thought who I would end up with. It coincidently happened when I had this weird relationship talk with my aunt. Somehow I told her I was really scared to be in a relationship, due to all the stories I had heard of, and I never once dared to open myself up for a relationship. I was that scared. What she said had somehow convinced me that it would be alright to be in a relationship, to learn and have a company with me to support me and all. I was already having slight crushes here and there, only thing that stopped me was my guts and my insecure feelings.

Besides, I was already having plans for Australia, figured I should not get into anything serious because it would only stretch and pull the relationship to a point where it snaps and hurts the two of us, like a rubber band. But he came along, and he told me he liked me. So my insecurities took the main stage, I had that crush on him, so I did not push him away, instead, I told him what could possibly happen if we were to be together and how it would hurt the both of us. Somehow he insisted. And that got me thinking, maybe it would be worth the try. Who knows we could actually work things out and be together eventhough we were apart. Things got slightly serious, when I eventually fell for him. Eventhough the fact that it would be strained and snap, I still hung on, trying to work things out. But I guess my insecurity was turning into a top notch security system that it had failed me. Eventually, it was already snapping even before we were leaving for aussie. People may say that it was better off that it ended early, then it would be something less of a worry when I leave for aussie. But the thought that I tried whatever I could to save it, yet the rubber band snapped a little bit too soon, is still a little bit too hard to digest at this moment.

Would have to say this is my first serious relationship. But time had not allowed it to be a better one. And so I am not too sure what it really is now.

Yeap. And there is also another problem with friends. I had initially planned to leave for aussie without informing anyone. Oopss. I guess it was only appropriate to inform, as I may never be seeing them ever again. As of now, I have no thoughts of returning back here as the ticket is considered really pricey. But I guess time will tell. It will be a three years course, honestly, I have no plans in returning to Malaysia even after I am done studying. It feels like I would have a better future there in Australia as compared to here, in Malaysia. Zoology = work in zoo. Pfft. Work in Australia's zoo also get so much more appreciation than working in Malaysia's zoo la. See you people only know how to torture animals. Tiger also can keep as pet. Such a disgrace.

Heh. Sorry. That was my hormones doing the talking a little while back there. ><
And yes, I am finally done with this post of mine. I really thank you for reading up to this far. ><
P.s: I still love my auntie, mom and sis regardless. They are my family. Just that from time to time, issues will surface and it boils me a little.
=)

7.13pm, 2nd Jan 2012.

Hello there! I'm the car, on the way to the airport. There had been alot of travelling to and fro from the airport quite recently. Make that for the past six months and also for about one more month or so. Or even maybe up til February. Haha! It all depends really. =)

Airports can be said to have one of the most fodest moments as we normally bid our goodbyes there and also welcome people. Not only that, I do like how the interior of airports are like. Somewhat complicating, but figurable as well. Makes you feel like you are in a maze that requires some thinking before you move to your next destination. Hehe. Airports have massive signboards almost everywhere. From the separation of the arrival and departure halls itself. That would probably confuse some people, as a matter of fact. And since the airports are so huge, young flyers would normally acquire an assistant to bring them to around the airport, to their destination and finally to their guardian or parent.

Not to forget, we get to look at awesome gigantic airplanes! I would dare say, this sight is definitely one sort of highlight for both flyers and non flyers. It isnt everyday that we get to see such ginormous transportation in masses, yes? Though I am curious how the air crew thinks of this. Or even the ground staffs. Hrmmm. Nevertheless. Flights are nice to look forward to... Really? Provided that you have the best services that you paid for. And also the safe flight all the way to your destination. Pricey, but I guess it is worth it since you get to cut down your travelling time by a lot.

Airstewardess. Airsteward. We would normally look at them, expecting them to be tall, lanky and most of all, pretty/handsome. Models on air? Haha! I used to think so. Cause they were normally pretty and handsome. And tall. There used to be requirements of a specific height just to secure a spot as a flight attendant. And also they have got to have no problems with their eyesight. As a matter of fact, has anyone seen a flight attendant with spectacles resting on their noses? Come to think of it, I have yet to see one. But thanks to technology, we now have contact lenses. (somehow it sounds like an advert. Hahaha! Oops.) They have since lowered their height requirements and I do believe contacts are acceptable these days too. =)

Pilots! We normally hear that mysterious musty mushy voice that tries to be joyful every now and then with a slight twitch on the intonations. Unlike the ever lively airstewardesses, you could really differentiate between these two. Often a times, you wont even understand what the pilot is saying even. But it is slightly comforting to hear the pilot's voice, informing you that things are going smoothly as planned. It used to be a biased occupation, where the men would dominate. And when we do know of a female pilot, we wound be stunned. This still happens until this very day, to be honest. Besides, pilots are no joke. They have the lives of the whole plane in their hands. So yes, alot had to be learnt to prevent nasty situations from occuring. Pilot itself is a course now, which is good. They are fully dedicated to learn the complexity of the plane's functions.

As a passenger, we are treated as kings and queens when on board. For if we dont, some of us would resort to threatening the company with a sue or somesort. Considering the amount of money we pay for their services and comfort, we tend to get a little bit selfish in that sense. Flying through the sky, zooming and shaking through clouds, following the sun, things are rather peaceful when we are in the skies. I like my flying moments. I'd always try to get the window seat as often as I can, so I could look out into the dreamy sky and doze off in peace. It used to be me being fascinated at how the wings function during liftoff and landing, but that got boring cause it had always been the same thing. But the sky is much more soothing than that. =)

7.40am, 29th Dec 2011.

The moment I start a topic, I could actually immerse myself into this thing for the whole hour or even more. It does indeed feel like how I would normally do for my exam essays, but this one is more free willed, no restriction whatsoever. Which then makes me feel even more free and mentioning whatever I want to. Which also then makes me sit here and stone for about two hours max, just typing something out.

Substance is important in every essay written. If there isnt any substance, then the essay would just end up a piece of crap. The least so say, that is. But some would prefer using blogs as diaries, some would use it to connect with people, as for me, I use it to test my skills. Not much of a skill I have in this, but it does allow me to express my thoughts in ways I dont normally get to. Returning to substance, yesterday's post felt a little off. Somewhat a little of something that I would not normally do. It doesnt feel right at all when I decided to post it up. The main theme of it was to somehow blame social sites for the lack of privacy.

Blaming. It involves alot of emotions, does it not? I have realised that by putting in much more emotions than I would normally do, gets me feeling that the post isnt right at all. Simply because, when emotions are in play, the writing style will definitely differ from the normal writing that a person normally does. (lol. I am running low on vocabulary. =/) And right now, I am racing against the clock to post about this. Another factor, to be honest, time. One that I would say, the best factor that works well for me. It leaves me very little space to be fully immersed into my emotions to have this post done.

I personally do not fancy blogs that consist of vulgar words. Though some people may use it correctly at times, but I still find them unnecessary. Maybe I am vaguely just jealous of the fact that they were able to express their emotions that easily while I have to hasitate to a point where those post will eventually end up as white elephants. (heh. White elephants. Awesome albino ones. =D Hold it. Or was it pink?! Oh uh...) Have always wondered, what was it that would attract the attention of readers to actually read my posts. But either way, I find it difficult to change my writing ways for it is a developmental matter. I then decided to stop wondering, and just carry on posting what I feel like posting best. =)

And I am done with this post for now. Typing from my phone feels much more carefree while the laptop ones felt a little bit more serious. I wonder why. Hrmm.
Alrighty, it took me twenty minutes to get this done. Haha! Loving this time factor. And I have got to go.
Thanks for your time, every read you do means the world to me... Almost. But really, I do appreciate it. =)
Thank you! <3

10.54am, 28th Dec 2011.

privacy.

how often do we get this at this modern age? facebook itself had been upgraded to ease stalking to the utmost. and now, stalking seems like a very common thing to do. one can just sit there infront of the computer screen, clicking away, viewing people's profile, what they have been doing, looking at their pictures, browsing through mutual friends list and all. stalking had since been upgraded. eventhough there maybe features where you still can toggle your privacy settings where you can limit certain things that you allow people to view. but given the choice, i guess i would be too lazy to even scroll down and pick the specific option one by one to see who is allowed to view what. nope. it is either it is too private where there is NO POINT having an fb account in the first place of it is too public that there is NO POINT protecting anything in the first place.

see the contradiction? and. we have people who have accept friends for the sake of accepting friends. the 'oh-i-have-more-friends-than-you' kind of people. it does give that tad bit of 'proudness' when you actually have more friends than the others. and well, if you see someone with over a thousand friends, of which is evidently much more than yours, you'll probably go, 'oh, yeah, these people. well, duh!'. (hi! i just proved that humans can be really contradicting. and i like it. heh. then again, it maybe just me.) next, we would look at their picture count. aha! "this person has so much more pictures than me! such a sociable person he/she is!" and then we would look at their walls, scrolling down on what they have been doing.

speaking of number of friends, if only one would stop to scroll through their own friends list, i am pretty sure only about 60% of whom we have actually communicate with, while the others are probably a 'hey! i've seen you aroud and i'm interested in who you are, let me add you!' or probably you only accept cause you didn't want to reject cause it feels somewhat evil. family members as friends? owh. this can be an issue too. some would definitely freak the crap out if their parents would add them on facebook while others would probably find it okay to have family members on facebook. it really depends on the individual. but anyhoo, does the numbers really tell a story? does it not make you wonder why is it that it somehow bothers you a little?

funny how facebook has actually become a routine to almost every single human being who had gotten used to this social website. the first thing a person would do when they turn on their computers or smartphones, i could bet with you, they have a facebook tab somewhere in there. unless this person is a very very very disciplined person who have no clue what facebook is, then maybe. but i believe 98% of the population who have technology knowledge would have facebook somewhere. unless of course, you are from north korea or china, then it would be a pretty fascinating thing that you have one facebook account even. stop right there. even when they don't have facebook, i'm sure they have their own social websites where it functions somewhat like facebook. and again, aside from north korea... yeah. (i am still curious what life is like in north korea. hrmmm)

if it isnt facebook, then it is twitter. or maybe some other social sites like myspace, for the americans? i'm not too sure. am speaking based on the malaysian majority. hey! i remember we were all into friendster back when i was still in primary school and facebook seemed like an adult thing that i didn't even dare to step into. why? because we couldn't decorate facebook and much as we could with friendster. and also because we were too used to friendster than to facebook. but hey, friendster was dying out and facebook was taking over. and now to look back, friendster was definitely something of the past. past worth leaving it as it is. =) and facebook felt more adult-like even with kids around, it still much more adult like.

facebook status, and again, numbers seemed to matter here. we always like to see numbers increasing on the like hits and sometimes on the comments too. it sometimes makes you want to think of something creative to be posted to see some good responses. somewhat like a good place to have open discussion. and when we see other people who constantly have like hits on their pictures while we have none, you'll go a tad bit upset. hehe. okay. maybe not to all of us, but some of us would probably feel. which could then lead to cyber depression. don't be fooled by this term, it does get pretty bad especially when it has to do with mentality. some could actually resort to using social sites to attack without meaning to attack. one could only assume and many a times, it would actually increase the intensity of the initial problem that had occured.

not only that, people were given a chance to be a whole different person throught social sites. people would never know if the other person on the other end were actually having a totally different and what we commonly dub as FAKE personalities. for all we know, our true colours may or may not be showcased in person and be demonstrated best throught social sites. when this happens, it does leave me with several questions. which am i supposed to believe? why is it that it had to take place? somehow, it felt like the social site had allowed people to be whoever they want to be but was unable as a person. it could be very well related to the amount of confidence one has in themselves.

this is a very general post. no clue why am i posting this though. but since it is done. i shall just post it. heh.
thank you for reading. ;D

as the year is coming to an end, i can't help but to look back at what i had this whole year. and the only best way to end this year would be a good atar for my wace examination. and if that one is perfect, then the year will probably end as perfect as it had begin with.

this will be a weird post. i have definitely lost my writing touch, i apologise for that beforehand. =/

well, i may be one of the last few of those who have packed their notes to be sent for recycling or for passing down to the juniors. i knew i had to do it somehow, but i chose to delay it as far later as possible. but it was getting more and more unbearable to look at the stack of notes and books sitting there, looking at me every moment i come into this room where i slumber in. it just stood there, collecting dust. it brings me some memories. it certainly does.

for one, i would remember walking towards this shelf, picking out the books and notes that i might need for my day in college. i leave my labcoat in the bookshelf too. just in case i leave it out of sight, which will then cause me to not be allowed to do lab stuff if i had unfortunately forgotten to bring it on lab day. which i did. once. and i was panicking, running around the whole campus trying to find one where i can borrow. or did i? but yeah. i only remembered that i had not bring it once. and then we have a few of them who borrowed my labcoat a few times. haha. well, i could actually sell it to my juniors if i want to, but i don't think i will. i'd like to keep it. for memories sake. =)

and so i was packing those notes i had. came across so many notes that brought different memories to me. this is practically insane that even for such small matter, so much memories were collected in it. biology. mr. varun. one of the three epic male lecturers we had. one of the most joyful person whom we'd always look forward to during the day. only thing was that when he gives us a heads up that we were going to do tons of work the next day, we would feel dreaded to go class, but we still ended up in class. because we know he would crack up something that would get our attention on. he prepared us well, cause he was preparing to leave us halfway through the course. bravo mr. V, you got tons of us complaining a hell lot about the next lecturer who was taking over your spot. sure thing she was interesting at first, with her BERSIH activities and all. but that was that. she was all about her bersih and her american experiences and that was all. and then we had our assignments. we were really praying hard that she would be generous with her markings and all. because when we had mr. V, we could just approach him and he would patiently guide us through each and every step, kindly checking our work, making sure we are doing it properly, finding ways that he would not penalise us in anyway possible. that was not the case with miss rekka. it was a total opposite. we even have students skipping her classes whenever we could. it was different. we didn't like the change. at. all. bio classes were the best. we even got to watch movies. and i really meant movies. =)

though i was suffering with other four subjects, to be honest. chem was never my strongest. and my strongest was nowhere above breathing level, english. and whatmore, maths. psycho was alright, as i have never learned it before, but yeah. it was only OKAY.

hehe. nostalgic year. too much to say. i shall just continue spamming. ;D

i remember i was doing oh so poorly with my stochio that it got miss diana concerned. never in my right mind that i thought lecturers would actually care. so it shocked me. and so i took the initiative to try harder. and well. she borrowed me her book and i went to photostat it. laziness was the world. but i did manage to get myself working on my chem right when ee2 was about the corner. the same thing i did for psycho as well. the fact that the lecturers actually did notice the improvement in the students, got me wanting to work harder. =) chem class was awesome. though it was the last class of our time slots, we would normally feel really tired by the time we enter chem classes. but what kept us alive and awake would be the really lame people we have in our classes. some chatterboxes and some boomboxes here and there were probably the best medicine to the tiresome day.

psycho class. i had this same group of people whom i sit with EVERY CLASS WITHOUT FAIL. =D except for the fact that this one guys always decides to come on and off from time to time... make that two. one just disappeared completely after one period of time. at least there were still two around. =) beginning of the year we had a different lecturer. miss zurina. boy how we all tried to like her. =/ i am being honest. i apologise. and then miss jane came in. we finally got a hang of psychology. heh. and miss jane is really adorable. our first impression of her was that she was strict and scary as hell. but i guess it worked well so that we would actually listen to her. but as the year passed on, we got to learn that her angry face was only a mask. we would still end up seeing her smile by the end of the class somehow or rather. she is awesome in everyway. adorably funny. "slap you up down left right, north south eash west." her famous phrase. and if we say something irrelevant, "i *insert irrelevent word here* you ah!". she tries her best to make sure that we all score too. =)

math class. heh. my most dreaded class. no offence. but yeah. i switched classes cause i wanted to have a longer break before my chemistry class. and so i wasn't really attached to my own class. =/ but yeah. when we are in math class, all we do was work work and work. i was even too scared to ask anyone how to do certain questions cause i felt like i was the dumbest there. not much of a fond memory of math class. =/ buti had good companions here. kudos to that. ;D

and lastly, EALD with miss Julia! best memory? got picked for the extra classes for weak students. yeah. i was furious. i mean, i didn't expect my english to be that bad that i actully need to go for extra classes. but hey! thank goodness i got to go. i sucked at synthesis and my writing needed some improvement anyways. so yes, it was a good thing that i was chosen. and i tried to be diligent and went for almost all of her extra classes. but there were times that the classes were cancelled. =/ so it gave me an idea to stay back in college to do some self studying. one good thing that lead to another. how awesome is that? and well. things turned out well.

for whatever it is worth, things had fallen into place and i can only hope that i had made the best out of it all. for i did not want to regret a single thing i do. there may be some times where i did complain that i regret what i do, but as of now, i prefer not to have any regrets, because to me, regrets are what that pulls a person back from advancing forward, and losing the whole point of enjoying life in the first place. it was my turn to take control of my life, college was a stepping stone for me to take lead of my own life. and thank goodness that i had chosen to not regret what i do. for i know regrets have been holding me back for far too long. college will definitely be something worth remembering.
p.s; i even have a favourite toilet that i go to. HAHA! oops. secret revealed. =P
and i also have a favourite food from the cafeteria, and also favourite hangout spot in the library. that is where i found my niches.

look ahead, uni is coming up. all these will have to be rearranged and we all would have to start from square one all over again. but nope, we have experiences now, we would know whom to hang out with, and we would know what makes us feel better when times are rough, and we would know what to do when situation turns cloudy upon us.

i learned to treasure my belongings.
i learned that shopping is quite fun.
but i still restrict myself, mind you.
i only spent on food. like nobody's business. like the world is ending tomorrow.
hey, shouldn't we all be living like that? living like the world is ending tomorrow. aha! naise.
but that's too much. so what if you do live tomorrow and you don't have anymore money to even buy food... please don't. and save some for the rainy season. =)

i had stopped my bookshelf clearance just to post this. i just felt like posting something. keeping memories like the times i had them in my mind before i forget them. somewhat like a time machine. i like. =)

thanks for wasting your time reading this piece of junk. sharing what i thought meaningful to me, hoping to bring some memories back to you guys too. it's almost the end of 2011. reminiscing through would be nice. especially with all those good moments passed. allows you to stop to think, life was good. and you, keeping up with the good spirit in having a better life ahead! yeah. ;D

please don't ever think that your life sucks, for all you know, others out there may have worse experiences worth of the phrase, "f*** my life". just don't be so harsh on yourself. life is worth living. everyday you wake up, it's a whole new day. and you, should be blessed that you are still breathing. for what it's worth, do whatever you want to do before it is too late. HOLD IT. it is never too late for anything. never. =)

here is to the awesome year we all had this year.
and here, is the the awesome year ahead that we all will have!
*imaginary toast of some champagne*
;D

fears of growing up.
does anyone else out there have this fear too?

as a child, we've always wanted to grow up faster than our age, we would feel proud when someone tells us that we are mature then. we would argue with parents thinking that we were right and they were wrong, almost all the time, when evidently, they were right all along. nope, we just wanted to grow up. because it was cool to be a grown up. but that was then.

Here at the boarding area of the airport. Just said goodbye to my dear mummy about half an hour ago. Now of which, I am waiting to board onto my flight home to Malaysia. My first time flying home alone, I just realised. Will I ever return?

Hugging my mom for my dear life. Literally. How could I not? Much I have bonded with her this trip around. Each time I come here, each time I grow older, each time I grow wiser. At least, I'd like to think I did. =) it isnt all the time that we can have heart to heart talks like that provided the distance. Regardless, she is still my mother, it is just me, unable to feel the bond as close as those I see with my own eyes. Things are just different. As different as it is, well, truth is, everybody has their own different lives of their own... or so to say. Which, is quite true. Without a doubt.

We generalize things, it helps us to keep things as simple as it is, thus sometimes, gives us thoughts that 'they are of the same species' unable to understand what 'we' are going through from time to time. But would we bother to stop, to think about what the other party had been through before we have our own opinions and thoughts about it? In general, we wouldnt, and for those who think too much, are deemed silly for thinking so much. So which is which?

I realise I have been arguing myself with this exact same issue over and over again for the past few posts. I apologise for the repeated naggings of unnecessary ponderings. I truly am sorry for those posts. ><

I shall go back to my lovely days with my dear mummy, shall i? Hehe. Poor mummy was having that time of the month. Good thing her boyfriend was around for the first five days, where she could put all her attention on him and release her stress on him. =P it gets a bit annoying that they were arguing, but owh well, at least they were not angry at each other. Just that I did feel slightly left out whenever they talk. After all, I guess opposite sexes does attract more attention than blood. Hahahahaha! Shh! I did not just tell you that. I brought a little too many books to do some reading, thinking I would have nothing to do when mummy is off working. But he was around, so he was busy bringing me and mummy places. Guilt trip this had become. =/

It wasnt until he left that I could feel my mommah's loneliness. Even with my presence, I could feel it. Poor mummy. ='( So with all her focus on me, she was screaming at me. For my behaviours where I am like every other teenager, whom she has not raised up by her own, a child who seem like a big kid, still unable to be responsible for my own. Yes. I wish I could be mummy's little girl forever too. Probably it was my intention of making her scold me, when on occasion cases, avoiding these would be the norm. Nope. I sat there, watching her scold me fullheartedly. The moments where I felt love through whatever she was saying. Scoldings that made no necessary sense to growing teenagers, words that spilled love.

Haha! Who'd knew I was such a fillial child. I could very well had been the good daughter, listening to whatever she asked of me, but I simply refused. Somehow, I refused. I could tell mummy is worried that I am going off to Australia on my own. It is about time where I learn to experience life on my own, to mummy's eyes, I am still a big kid. A child that is growing physically but mentally still immature and childish. I'd like mummy to have that thought of me. I'd like her to remember me that way, for I know growing up is difficult, even for me, but what more for parents, watching their children grow and say, 'my baby is all grown up'. This would be the time where I would want to stop growing, for this age, at this point of time, one step ahead would mean the world. Literally, but true as it may be.

If you would want to say that I am still a child, it is a denial thought. Well, if my mom or aunt really thinks that I am still that immature, they wouldnt have possibly allowed me to take charge of the car, allowed me to go clubbing or even flying on my own. There will come a time where all denials will be voided. Where both physical and mental evidence will definitely overshadow them denials. But hey, keeping parents at the bay, thinking that we are still kids, will make them feel much more attached to us, eventhough the person is not present within the visual perimeter, it keeps the bond alive. The thought where we will run back into their arms like we used to, the thought where they are our sole pillar to keep our heads above water, the thought that we still need them in our lives.

I have two mothers. One who takes care of me, one who supports me. Without these two, I would not have been where I am today. And my limbs are too long to fit in this crampy seats of airasia flights. I complain like nobody's business. And I appreciate to those who bared with it all. I have no clue why I am writing this, but I did, and I have no plans of editing it, for I have promised myself to be as honest as I can. =)

Moments where we would sit and have heart to heart talks to understand each other better, looking back at what that had been understood wrongly, finally being cleared out. Moments where you listen to know what is on their minds, should be treasured. For they could have been thoughts buried deep down in their hearts and have been hurt countless of times because of it. The thoughts that are the hardest to be shared because of how much it hurts, just to even have a thought of it. Tears that flowed, because of such thoughts, tears that could have possibly meant the world. Tears that meant, the thought had been released. Tears that shows us signs, that things will be better. Tears that will keep us strong.

6.48pm, 15th Dec 2011.

Well, dont I have something to talk about today? =) the adventures I have here in Macau quite recently have been quite an eye opener to things I barely take notice of. Right now at this moment, I am seated at mcD, in Sands Casino, where my mom works at. She is currently working, but I am here. I wonder why myself, but it is good that I am somewhat given the opportunity to see my mom work... literally.

Honestly saying, I dont really know how to use the word 'literally' but it seems to match the sentences I make. High possibilities that I may have misused it many times without realising it, but it flows naturally. Hehe. I do apologise for the confusion, if I did cause any in the first place.

Right, back to my adventures. Today, I went shopping. As a girl, I love shopping. Trying on pretty dresses and clothings, dressing up and dreaming of wearing those pretty stuff. But there is always one factor that stops me short from purchasing them; the price. I mean, if it is reasonable, I'm pretty sure I, or any other girls out there would think twice before purchasing them. But really, what is the 'reasonable' price that we are looking for?

When we shop, there are other factors that play almost as important roles as the price, we would see if we actually do need it, or how worthy the price is, or how worthy the material is, or how fashionable it could be. Some might elapse into shopping fit; buying expensive things because they are in a bad mood or they just felt like shopping. Many a times, these people will fell much better after spending some money. We can say it is some method of self pampering. It works wonders, really.

Some would spend money on others. A certain portion would say that they are the generous bunch, some would also say that they are trying to buy people off. Some would find it difficult to spend on oneself than on others while there are those who are the complete opposite too. It depends on the individual, really. We cant really judge people in that manner can we? In fact, if one does start judging, there are tons of other aspects worth judging altogether.

Hold it. If you are trying to say that i, myself am doing the judging, which also means I have no rights in saying so myself, true. You have a point. But we all are humans, pretty much generalising everything else. After all, I am only merely stating my honest opinions.

Tracing back to my day, I had become my mother'd barbie doll today. She took me to this shop and started shoving me dresses to try. Each of these dresses costs about a thousand hkd/mop. Am sure I tried on about 5 to 6 dresses and mummy picked and purchased 2. Which totaled up to 2k plus. Got a free gift, a teddy bear.

I am not the kind who likes it when a lot of money is involved when purchasing, for I feel like these money could well off be used for other things. Deep down, I do have that feeling of spending that much too, but that would be after a long period of consideration. People would tell me it is too expensive and I would just drop that thought with a heavy heart. A matter with my laptop. It is a necessity, but I went on searching and eventually landed myself with a reasonable priced laptop. Not so much with my phone however. Even named my phone, 'G' to remind me of the guilt I had when I purchased the phone. It wasnt too long ago that I spotted this phone of mine with a much lower price. So yeah. Money wasted right there.

As for dresses. I find them a waste of money too. I am a huge fan of dresses. Loved how dresses compliments my body and makes me look and feel slightly different. But the difference is the cause that those dresses cant be worn repeatedly. More like a one time use matter. And these dresses are always expensive. =( beauty definitely has its price. If you are wondering, 'why not wear it again?', good question, I do not understand what it is that is stopping us from wearing it again. Unless it is a whole different clique of friends, it is possible, but if its the same, chances are... we would still opt to get something new. By we, I meant us, girls. Maybe its cause we were used to seeing everyone wearing something new, everytime there is a formal event or somesort. After all, it isnt everytime that we dress up like that. Or do we?

As a girl, I should be overjoyed that mummy is willing to spend so much on me. But as her daughter, I feel slightly upset, for she had spent those money on me instead of other better things. Yes, I am silly for thinking so, I know. But I guess I was brought up in a way where spending money felt like a forbidden thing to do, yet a must. Haha! I could've told my mummy not to buy for me, but that glowing face of hers when I tried on the dresses, made me speechless. It then hit me, I have never shopped for dresses with my mummy ever before. Ever. I couldnt say no.

10.10pm, 12th Dec 2011.

Double entry! Bam!
Still am here waiting for my dear mummy to come find me. And I just sneezed. It isnt that hard for a frail and stubborn person like me to fall sick. Mom was yelling at me yesterday, asking me to put on something warmer if I wanted to sit in the living room. But I was stubborn as usual, sat there and focused on my phone for the whole one hour. Surprisingly, I didnt feel that cold. I just sat there in the cold, insisting on wearing somethin warmer. Serves me right, I am now sneezing. Pretty sure I will hit fever soon if I dont take care of myself. *sneeze, sniff* voila. Need anymore proof? I am already sick. Mummy is gonna give me the, 'i told you so' face when she sees me sneeze later. Hahaha! Good job for the stubborn one. ;)

Ah yes. Plus the fact that I didnt get enough sleep prior to my flight here, and also not to forget the harsh weather, the stubborn one really deserves it. But then again, if I had a chance I would want to sue airasia. Fullheartedly. Damn. They made us walk around like lost tourists with a lost tourguide. It was noticed that the staffs had no proper communication with one another. I mean, why would you make a group of approximately 190 people walk so much of a distance to only be told that the flight will be at 9.30 instead of the scheduled 6.30 flight? They even made us sit in a plane, settled down, and then make us walk back down from the plane and walking all the way back to the boarding area. If its the klia distance from a plane to the boarding area, that, is still acceptable. But not this. Shyit! Do you know far do we need to walk at lcct just to get to and from the plane to the boarding area? We could well of walked about three to four times the football field.

Had been a loyal airasia flyer since it first came into business. It just deteriorates as years passed. And it is depressing to know that. Oh yeah. I am complaining. =P and this is probably one of the only good thing I can do when this kind of things happen. Heh. To think if I would still fly airasia, I dont think I would anymore. It gets more frustrating as the years go by. I would only end up complaining even more. Haha! Really. I would. ._.

At least other airlines would serve food, as it is already been paid for, and they have better airatewards/dess. ;D and the customers should be of a different group. Yes. Stereotyping had just taken place. =/ I shall stop here with that biased though of mine.

Anyhoo. Today is Saturday. Honestly saying, I cant wait to get back home to the heat. Hehehe. For I have fallen under the weather. ><
I would really like to sleep right now. Gaah. *sniffsniff*shiver* so yes. Dont underestimate the power of mother nature. And if I had the choice, I would like to sit here in Starbucks for the whole day. Atmosphere is good. Gets my brain working to do some writing. High chances I would not even bother to do anything like this back at home. The writing feeling comes go whenever it likes. Which pretty much sucks.

Alrighty. This visit was to come accompany mummy. But it feels like I have been bothering her more than accompany. =/ will be missing this place though. Might not be coming here again. Macau is like my... Third home. =)

Owh yes. I cut my hair. Here is how the scenario went; mummy asked if wanted to have a haircut, and I said yes. It wasnt until I was done with my haircut that I had no our why I wanted to cut it in the first place. But as of now, I am actually liking my haircut. Its something I have yet to try before. It is a messy do. Mine had always been the straight down slightly bob-ed cut. But the frizz was making it unbearable.maybe th was why I decided to cut it off. Now it is short and bushy and messy. Somewhat like Rene's on one of the antm cycle. ;D

Mummy is here! Continue shopping. ;D

5.03pm, 10th Dec 2011.

Hello there. =)
Today I had decided that I would publish a live blog on my daily life and where it evolves upon. This blog post would probably the introduction of what I may be facing, or even my thoughts. High chances that I will express myself sparingly. Thoughts are purely mine, free comments but not condemn comments are more than welcomed. Well, what is the point of a discussion if it involved arguements with bad intentions anyways. That would just ruin the whole thought of it. Mind you, there might be times where I would feel constricted to express myself. Times where I would keep quiet, for emotions would most probably be the whole thought, and therefore, the point is immediately altered.

Lets start somewhere shall we? I have yet to decide on the blog title. Best of all, I havent even opened a new blog and I am already starting up and entry. Well, honestly saying, I just want to get this thing started, otherwise it would end up another white elephant idea. Lets be frank, I have tons of white elephant ideas. *hold that thought!! I have Koreans behind me! Omg!! Omg! Omgggg!!!!... Okay I'm done* yeah. I have many of those. I daydream and imagine alot of fancy ideas. Ideas where it would be abit over the top to even achieve. But then again, even with thoughts like that, I wont be able to carry them out, for I had doubts, doubts that would stop me from reliving those splendid daydream of mine. But then again, there is a reason to why daydream are considered as daydream and not hopes and wishes, right? And if one thinks that they are actually of the SAME thing. Heh. I am truly sorry, my friend, for if someone asks me to think less, most likely, it will... NEVER happen.

Right now, I am sitting here at Starbucks, at the famous 'san ma lou' of Macau. It was filled with people and I actually had to line up. I guess the cold weather here is making everyone tempted to get a sip of some hot goodness of Starbucks. Haha! And a sip of the famous signature hot chocolate, with the bitterish flavour of each mouthful, hot, soothing, just the thing for the winter. Ahh. Yeah. Plus that 'under the weather' feeling, this, is really good. Not to mention that relaxing Christmas music that is playing here at Starbucks. Was apparently selfish enough to hog a three seater table while I am on my own, posting random stuff for the moment. Have been here for about half an hour now, waiting for my darling mummy to call while I indulge myself with some splendid heavenly goodness. I mean, I dont think I would be able to enjoy hot chocolate as much as I would back at home. The weather difference is definitely making every penny worth the price.

On second thought, I might as well post this on my most recent blog as well. This is still a tad bit too general for it to be kept private. At least now I have a starting post for my newest blog and one to update my current blog! It might be boring to a few, but hey, it is definitely a start for me. Feeling pretty optimistic about this. ;) though I really am apologetic if I do confuse you, my dear readers. =/ but I am sincerely thankful that you are here reading my blogposts. =)

Well. That is it with my first enter for my newest blog, and also an update on my current blog! Dont worry, I doubt I would be doing double entries the next time around. Will be posting as time allows. Toodleloo~ =)

4.03pm, 10th Dec 2011

i have always questioned myself. something i would do at almost every given spare moments as life passed on by. me, having an empty thought would probably be something really rare. to say that i am not thinking about anything at all, it would definitely be a lie. as much as i try not to think so much, the chain of thoughts are just never ending. i used to think, it is because i'm a female, for generally, people will say that female brains are constantly thinking while men's are usually empty, and when they meant empty, they really meant empty.

what is there that is in need of such an amount of thinking to do? there doesnt seem like a possible way that a person could actually think 24 hours a day, can it? chances that i may be exaggerating that i am thinking that much, but to me, it doesnt seem impossible. sometimes, the thoughts may be too overwhelming that it pulls me under the wind, and there i go, feeling numb and emotionless, no thanks to the thoughts i had whirling through my mind.

i have a habit, where i choose not to mingle as much with the female human population as compared to the males. for i know that females will start having judgemental thoughts of me, which will then automatically break my safeguard of self confidence in everything i do. true enough, not every individual are the same, thus i have no rights at categorizing genders in that manner. but what if i say, that it is based on my personal experience, and it is what i see that is always happening as events occur? one could also tell me, that it is my problem for being fragile. by countering this, i am who i am, same like everyone else, different, didn't that just bite you back with your initial question?

hah! that was fun. i was in a mode where i was countering myself. i guess words could not further describe the fact that i have too much in my mind that it could even drive me crazy someday. from my point of view, having the fact that i overthink things is pretty much risky. for there are times where overthinking would result with a disastrous effect out of the decision made. similar like the proverb, 'too many cooks will spoil the broth', literally, in my situation, it would meant that there were too many ways and ideas on how to settle a simple problem, would eventually end up producing a whole chunk of mess instead.

it naturally poses a sense of insecurity in me. but i guess that's what makes me slightly different from everyone else. hey, it might as well be somekind of superpower altogether. a silly, but jolly thought that one is. =)

Kim ! I think you should start writing a book , because you have a lot of things to talk and issue about :) hahahah...

this has got to be one heck of an inspirational comment i have ever received. ever. definitely appreciating it to the max.

hi there! it's three thirty am. and i refuse to sleep for somewhat reason that i am unsure of. but here i am, beginning a blogpost on my laptop. =)
so. i was that lifeless today that i decided to stalk an old enemy of mine
yeah. i have an enemy. which was a good thing, at least i know i'm not perfect.
and the moment i read her blog, i cracked up.
for in a sense, to me, she had not grown nor changed abit.
who knows, it maybe a good thing for her that she's still in that state.
as a matter of fact, my talking about her, here on my blog is quite insignificant,
but i just felt like doing something like this. =D

here, is the exact words mentioned by this darling princess on that post.
IF I WERE TO DIE TOMORROW, 2 PEOPLE I'LL NEVER FORGIVE, OU KAH SIM, NASHARINA NAZLAN. I KNOW THAT THEY TOO ARE NOT DESPERATE FOR MY FORGIVENESS.
nicely bolded, in full too, isn't it?
it's dated April.
and you must be wondering why am i still bothered looking through her blog and bring this up again.
it's just for my own entertainment! D=

will continue when i feel like it.
eyelids are getting too heavy

So! I stepped my foot into a club for the very first time after 18 years alive. May be deemed as a hypocrite to a few of you, for I had been going on and on about "why the hell are you going to a club" with the very disgusted facial expression of mine. Best part, people whom I thought would never do clubbing were in fact clubbing. Definitely got me curious on what the buzz about clubbing is like. And I figured that this bunch of people would be safest to go with because they are the experienced and sensible ones. One of them even said it was a must for me to go, by the end of this year.

Voila! With that fear I had about going into a club immediately evaporated once I was in there. It wasnt close to what I expected it to be. Haha! Thank you mainstream television shows and movies for the exposure. It was just... normal. People were all just standing there, moving a little to the rhythm. But it turns out that the 'party' had not started. So I guess everybody was just waiting for the 'party' to start. But then again, that stereotypical mind of mine gave me the thought that malaysians are like that. They wait, for the others to start before they participate.

So, clubbing is just dancing and not much of drinking? Turns out there are a few types. Not sure which is which, bet I wont want to go near the drinking ones. Lets talk about dancing, shall we? =) As soon as the 'party' started, some girl in a short white tube dress stepped onto the highest point of the stage and danced, looking like a whore. It looks like she is dancing like a whore, but if you don't stereotype like me, you would be able to see that she is actually releasing herself and enjoying herself. She was totally absorbed into her dancing that it made her look like a whore. I called her a whore cause I could see her underpants. And when we see that happening to Korean artists, we blame it on the company for doing a bad management on the dressing that makes the artists look like whores.

A friend of mine told me, if you can dance, you can actually chase her off that stage point. Heh. Didnt do that. Standing on the stage itself makes me abit intimidated already. For me, standing on the top it's for the good dancers, or for people who are just too high about themselves. Most of them who went up there, are of the second category. One would be that girl in the white dress, and another one, this girl, had long straight hair, wearing a black tube, quite flair, and she was on the top stage. What annoys me is that she was that she is of the second category, and was so occupied with her phone. Imagine watching a girl, dancing like she is drunk and stops to text on her phone for a few seconds before resuming her drunk dance. It. Is. Annoying.

But it bemused me that people could actually do things like that. Just breaking loose of their inner constrict, enjoying and relaxing themselves. Honestly, letting go like that isnt an easy thing for me to do. Thus, in a way, I do respect these people. These are things that we cant do in our daily routine. You cant expect to see a person randomly dancing like a crazy person in the middle of nowhere, right? So yes, this is the one appropriate place where people are given the chance to let loose. Provided that the intentions are good, I dont see how clubbing can be a bad thing. It still depends on the individual. And one has to be completely aware of one's own behaviour. Eventhough one lets loose, consciousness should never be pushed aside, for it is the only thing we can depend on to protect ourselves from any possible hazards.

I had that doubt, about going clubbing or even drinking. For the moment you are exposed to such, it shows that you, are growing up. It is the moment where you, officially gain trust from your parents (provided if you do inform them that you are actually going), you learn to make smart decisions on your own, for each option you choose then and there, will bring you instant change. Change that would probably cost you your future. Haha! Yeap. It really does.

You sit and wonder, have you really missed the chances that were once around? Chances that could've change the way things are happening at the present moment? Chances that could've bring a total different outcome with things that are about to happen in the future. You stop to ponder, was it worth looking back at what you could've done to make things different now, are these regret based decision made, are the regrets worth regretting.

We say, regretting is not worth anything at all, for the present is what matters most, present is what we can change, to sculpture a better future up ahead. People also say, regrets are factors that will hold us back from moving forward. Regrets pull us into a dark corner, and it only depends on how strong a person is before this person can stand up again and walk towards the light once again.

Regrets, is a reminder on how we should not make the same mistakes we did back then, mistakes that would make the individual stuck at a point of life, watching the while world passing by, but they are searching frantically for the strength to follow the flow, but the strength seemed to have sapped out by some evil dark force. That, results with the persons being stuck there at a stand still point.

We were forced to study history. The government tells us, it is necessary as it would expose to us about the treacherous past, a reminder that we should not do anything stupid to allow the past from repeating itself. Life tells us to look forward. But humanity is making us look back. Which reminds me if what we learnt in psychology, the id, ego, and superego. Id is the devil, who wants its satisfaction fulfilled, superego is the angel, telling us to do what is right from wrong, ego, is the human body, carrying out decisions, based on both the thoughts of the devil and the angel. In this matter, devil tells us to be selfish, and look forward, forgetting the past. And the angel, telling us to be conscious, look at the past before deciding.

As much as one chooses not to allow the past to resurface, the past will always return to hunt a living soul regardless of the situation. And when it does resurface, it will lockdown that person, being unable to make a decision at all. For it seems that whatever decision made, would return and haunt you like how the previous regrets made.

One may say that they do not have a single regret in their life. Well, truth is, nobody is perfect, mistakes will appear every now and then. If the person knows how to stand tall and overcome that mistake made, he or she will learn so much more that the experience becomes priceless.

Regrets are good. They help a person improve in whatever they do. Mistakes are the cause of regrets. Life throws us all over the place, it tears us apart from time to time. Life is also unexpected. Which makes it interesting. As life proceeds, light will always be there, we just need to want it.